ALLEGED HUMOR.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LII, Issue 210, 9 October 1909, Page 3

ALLEGED HUMOR.

Oflice Boy: "Miss Keyes, please i:t | me look at your face!" . Miss Keyess ''What for*" ' Oflice Boy: "Why, the boss said some of the paint was scratched oil his typewriter. I didn't know whether he meant vou or the machine."

Visitor at Farm: '"Well, this is unusual! Win*, vou arc putting all the big apples in the bottom of the barrels | and the little ones on tqp. w | Farmer: "Yes. Those fruit-dealers in the city are gettin' eo sharp; they open the barrels from the bottom to see whether we farmers he try In' to cheat them."

The first day out. Steward: "Did you ring, sir?" Traveller: "Yes, steward, I—l rang." Steward: "Anything 1 can bring you, sir?"

Traveller: "Y-yes, st-stcward. B-brTng me a continent, if you have one, or an island—anything, steward, so l-lul-long Jih it's solid, ll you can't, auvsink thi ship."

Chemist's Boy; "TCre, I'm In c bloomiu' fix. I've got a bottle o' stumtc mixture to deliver, and I forgets wii-ie I 'ad to leave it."

Grocer's Hoy: "Oh, that's all riglil.; you coiue along an;l leave it where I in goin'; it must be for there, for I've got to deliver them one of our chicken-an • 'am pies, a bottle o ! port, an' a jar o' our pickles." It was a bacon-and-bean dinner given by a lady to the prisoners m an American gaol. The supply of bacon was always very limited, and a prisouer, having received his share, called out, "I say, warder, you've forgotten the bacon!" The warder hastily turned round, and the prisoner continued, "Oh, no! 1 beg your pardon. I find the bacon had got hidden under one of the beans."

A young Bedfordshire farmer at a cattle show, where he made himself conspicuous by his bluster, cried out: "Call these prize cattle! Why, they ain't nothin' to what our folks reared. My father raised the biggest calf of any man round our parts." "No doubt of it," said a bystander, ' and the noisiest."

"Owen Flanagan! Are you Owen Flanagan V' said the clerk of the court. "Yes, begorra," replied the prisoner, with a merry twinkle in his eye. 'Tm owin' everybody!"

Physician (looking Into his antc-room, where a number of patient 6 are waiting) : "Who has been waiting the longest?" Tailor (who has called to present his bill): "I have, doctor. I delivered the clothes to you three years ago." Twynn: Ji l hear the weather has had to be taken to the hospital." Triplett: "That is true. The shock was too much for him." "What shock?" "One of his forecasts came true," Mrs. MeDuff: 'This paper says that mice are attracted by music, but I *don ; t believe it." McDulF: "Why not?" Mrs. McDufl : "ttecausc I never sec any mice around when I play the piano." MeDuff: "Well, that's no reasoji for doubting the paper's statement." ".Mrs. Naggett," said the doctor, 'your husband needs a rest. He must go to Hastings for three months." "Oh. splendid!" she exclaimed. "I'll iie delighted to go there." "Very irood. You can go for three month* niter he comes back. That will give him six months' rest." "lie's not what you call strictly handsome,'' said the major, beaming through his eyeglitsses on an utterly hideous babv as lie lay howling in his moiner's arms, "but it's the kind of face that trrows on you."

"It's not the kind of face that ever L»rew on you." was the indignant and unexpected reply of the maternal being; 'you'd be better-looking if it had!" She wa- She drifted into Ihe place where they sell blankets. Roll after roll was deposited and spread out before her. Still, she listlessly a6ked for more. Finally, with brazen face, shp remarked as she rose, "Oh, well; I don't really mean to buy any. I was only looking foi a friend." '•Pray, wait a moment, ma'am," said the attendant suavely; "there is one en-re blmk-'t on the shelf. Perhaps your friend its in th it."

Pas-er liv: "Is that your pork down tlrve on 111" road, guv'uor?"

Karmer: "Pork! What d've mean There's a pig «»' mine out there!"

P;«s*T-hv: "Ail, but there's a motortar just "one by." "I sivcil a h'ggar's life yesterday."

"How?" "I askeil him what he'd do if I gave him a sovereign, 'flood lor'!' he said, I eshould drop down dead.' f?o"l put the sovereign back into my pocket."

An amusing Incident occurred recently at a theatre in Lancashire. In a play called "High and Mighty" the heroine has to die, her death being brought about by a villain, who shoots her with a pistol. At the critienl moment the weapon misses lire; but the actor was equal to the emergency, and declaimed at once: "Die, then, the first victim o! smokeless powder!"

"Did you deliver mv message to Mr. Stumps?" asked the merchant.

New Office Boy: "No, sir. He was out, and the oflice was locked up."

"Well, why didn't you wait for him. as I told you ?" "There was a notice on the door, sir, saying, 'Return at once,' so I caiuc back a«? quick as I could."

A sober resident in a small village on Ihe sea coa«t occasioned quite a commotion by saying that the bodies of three children had just been washed ashore. The citizens were indignant when, after much enquiry, the sober resident said: 'i tell you they were. They we-c washed ashore by their mother. You don't suppose she could take 'em out into the middle of the ocean to wash 'cm. do vou ?"

A timber merchant was sitting in 1-is office one day mining «adlv over the g nrral iu the wood trade, when a quiet-looking young man entered.

"Ill) villi sell beeehwiiodv ' -Hiked the stranger. "Yes. sir." replied the merchant, rising with alacrity, and hoping devoutly lo took a large order. "We can supply any quantity oil the shortest notice, either in Ihe log or the plank." . "Oh, I don't want 90 much as that," oaiil tii.' youth, shifting his feet mi easily. •'] just want a hit for a liddleliridge,"

"Who gave the bride nnay!" "Her little brother. He stood up right in the middle of the ceremony, and yelled, 'Hurrah, l'aiini', you've got him at last!"

Doctor: "You have no reason to believe. mailam, that your husband shot hinixdf intentionally?"

Madam; "Oil. dear, 110! It was purely accidental, liut is lie seriously hurt?" Doctor: "Quite seriously; but I thin!* we can save him."

Madam; '-What arc you going to do now with all those horrid eurgieal instruments?"

Doctor: "We are going to probe for the bullet.'' Madam: "Yes? Well, doctor, while yon are about it, won't you be good enough to see if you can't find a gold eollar-lmtton T lent him last week and that he carelessly swallowed?"

Fair Millionaire: "Oh, Vladimir, they say you are a fortune-liunter, and are only marrying lue for my wealth. Tell me that this is not true."

Lord Dcdbroke: "Why, my dearest, I would marry you if you were penniless." I Fair Millionaire: "I'rove this, my own , Vladimir, and I shall be alraolute'.y liappv." 1/ird DcdbruUe: ''Settle the whole of your vast fortune upon me, leaving your- | self destitute, and 1 will wed you ill the face of the whole world." ' He: "'Do you know that as long as I have known you T have never seen yon dressed in white?" She: "Indeed! Are you, then, so partial to the color?" He: l 'Xot exactly that: but whenever I see a girl dressed in white I am always tempted to kiss her." , ■She: "Will you excuse me for a quarter of an hour?"