ALLEGED HUMOR.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LII, Issue 204, 2 October 1909, Page 3

ALLEGED HUMOR.

I There; are many anecdotes of aetois | and playwrights in the lately published recollections of Sir Squire and Lady iiaii- ! croft. Some of these, of course, originjute with the always amusing 11. J. Byron. To a provincial landlady he once bitterly I lomplnined of having been attacked uy j lleas. "Fleas, uir!" was the retort. "I am sure there is not a single Ilea in mv house.'' 1 "1 Kill sure of it, too," was Byron's rejoinder;-"they are all married and have large families." Jack: ''Halloa, Tom, old man, got your neiv Hat lit ted up yet?" j Tom: "Not quite. Say, do you know where I can buy a folding toothbrush?' l'red: "Yes, the old gentleman will soon have another wife to support." Henry: "What? You don't mean to tell me he i* going to marry another wife while your mother i« aliw "Xo; lam going tu get married." j -Miss Goldiug: ''Here's your ring. I have decided tliat 1 can never be your ivife, so the engagement is oil' and 1 shall expect you to return everything you may have in your possession that belongs to me." •Mr. Ilamlin: "All I have is a lock of your hair and a photo. 1 don't suppose you care anything for the photo, but Uo. lock of hair you will no doubt want to preserve as a souvenir." Miss Goldiug: "As a souvenir of what ?" Mr. Hamlin: "Of the time when yon were a brunette." "Look, Henry j mamma has sent me her portrait. It's a very speaking likeness."

"Good gracious! is it? Hang it in the attic, then."

Composer: "Did you hear the torment and despair in my latest effort, 'Tantalus,' that I just played you?" Listener: '"No; but I noticed them on the faces of the audience."

At the Old Bailey, not long ago, a man standing in the dock awaiting his trial took out a sandwich and commenced eating it. "Put that away, sir, at once," said the judge. "I'm putting it away as fast as I can,'' was the reply of the prisoner, as he took another huge mouthful.

A student at a medical college was under examination. The instructor asked him:

"Of what cause, specifically, did the people die who lost their lives at tlw destruction of lierculaneum and Pompeii V'

"I think they died of an eruption, sir," answered the student.

"Xo," drawled the mayor of the far Western settlement, "the boys had some money tied up in that thar bankrupt telephone company, an r they just dnhi t like the way th*» receiver was handling the business." "Didn't, eh?" commeutcd tile tourist. "Well, what did they do about it?" "Oh, they just hung up the receiver,"

| Chairman (at concert): "Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Discordant will nu« sing 'Only Once More.'" ; bareastie Critic: "Thank heaven for 1 that!"

Chairman (coming forward again): "Ladies and gentlemen, instead ot singing 'Only Once More,' Miss Discordant will sing 'For liver and liver.'" Collapse of S.C.

lo the Dean of a University grave complaints against the college cook were made by one of the undergraduates, lhe Deau summoned the delinquent, duly lectured him upon his shortcomings, and threatened him with dismissal unless matters were improved. "Good gracious, sir!" exclaimed the cook. "You oughtn't to place too much importance on what the young men t.'ll you about my meals. Why, sir, thev come to me in just the same way a.id complain about your lectures!"

husband has all the Virtues but one," remarked the wife of a stru""lb" young doctor. eo ' ° What is tliutK" asked her sympathetic friend.

"Patients," replied the young wife.

"How could you muster courage tu knock that burglar senseless with the rollmg-pin 1" they asked her. "I just shut my eyes and imagined it was John," she answered.

Old Mr. Dadkins: "A-r-r—r! So I have caught you kissing my daughter, have 1?"

i'uuiig Mr, Coolev: "I trust there is no doubt about it, -sir. The light i* quite dim, and 1 should feel vastly humiliated if it should turn out that I had been kissing the cook."

Boilc: "The Binkses must buy everything on the hire system." Hammer; "What makes you tlunk so V'

Iioile: "I heard Jimmy Binks ask his father whether their new baby would be taken away if they couldn't keep u.> the payments.'

A noted divine was very fond of riding on horseback, and, being vastly conceited about his fine figure, wore stays to show it off. One day he was thrown from Ills horse and lay prone on tie road. A farm laborer from a neighboring field rail to his assistance. The firstaid man began to feel tho parson all over, and suddenly yelled out to another laborer:

"Rin, Jock, for Heeven's sake, for a doctor. Here's a man's ribs running north and sooth instead of east and west."

Au ambitious politician who has at various times been a candidate for publie office has a son, a lad of eight, who, meditating upon the uncertainties of kingly existence, at last asked his mother:

"If the King of England should din. who would be King?" "The Prince of Wales." 1 And if he should die, who would be King 1 /"

His mother turned the question oft in some way, when the boy, with a deep breath, said:

"Well, anyway, I hope pa won't trv lor it."

Kora: "All, Pat, Oi can't foiud worruds to tell yez how much Oi am indebted to yez for this Jovely watch." , Pat: " Sllre > Xow, an' it's mesilf that 'S in debt for it dape enough for both of us!"

'two Jittle ragged street worv gazuig at a nutlet? outside a police station.

See that'.'' said one. "It's my father who s wanted."

(jUin, said the other, "yer always bragginV'

"I have t \ riddle J'or you," said a frivolous girl to a Iriml. "Jf ton men proposed tu mt', what would that be?" "What if" "A tender." Very likely. And if one proposed to you it would be ;i wonder!" A tramp a doctor's door-boil and abkud the pretty young woman wiio opened the door if „h,» would be so khd as to ask thv doctor if ho had a pair of old troiiser* fi,. would kimllv «ive away. "I'm tin- doctor," said the smilinc lady. ° And the traiiip fainted. j '"Ma faithor's a soger," said a little I .Scots lassie. "An' ma faithor, too." said her plav nate. Ah! but/ ma faithor's a brave nior. llu's l)Oon in war, a:i' lie's got a hale ?ang n' medals. An" he's got. the Vic-1 toria Cross. The King pimiod it on Siini wi' his ain hand!" breathlessly announced lassie number one. "All' ma faithor's braverer!" «rica til,: other little one. "He's been in dozeus a wars, fjn' he's got gangs and gang's o' medals an' Victoria Crosses. An' he's got a bonnie wuddon log, nil"'—with a triumphant shriek—"the King nailed '.t 011 wi' his ain hand." Smith walked up the street the otiier evening with a box of chocolates under one arm and a big package of meat under the other. "Halloa. Smith," said Brown, "gone in for housekeeping? I didn't know ymi wove married." "I'm not yet." "What are you doing with those chocolates and meat., thou?" "Uoing to see my girl." "Do you have, to furnish the family with ineat already?" "Oh. 110; tho sweets are for the "irl, and the meat i d for the dog. I hava to' square both."