ALLEGED HUMOR.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LII, Issue 198, 25 September 1909, Page 3

ALLEGED HUMOR.

CIRCUMSTANCES AND A CASE. The colonel of a certain cavalry reg.nieiit was a martinet ill all except his own habits. On one occasion the regi- ' inent was about to start on ii long ! march, and orders were issued thai baggage should be reduced to the minij mum. A lieutenant of the squadron ! had just received from his father a small box of books, and asked Hid colonel if he might not take it along. "Ccrtainlv not, sir!" roared the chief. I "No, sir!" ' I "I'm very sorry, colonel; it will be j very dull out there without any reading. My father sent me a case of whisky, but of course I couldn't tako that?" "Not take it, sir?" again roared the colonel. "Certainly you can, sir! Anything in reason, sir!" PHEW! It was a very hot day. Jinks, win has gained a great reputation as a world-wide traveller—chiefly on the strength of his travelling-bag, which is covered all over with foreign labels--came strolling into the iiiuing-rooiu, looking provokingiy cool, just in timo • for dinner. "Well, old chap, is it warm enough for you to-day?" someone queried. ! "\Varm? Where?" innocently asked Jinks, as a slight shiver ran swiftly along his spinal column and branched oil from rib to rib. "Do you call this warm?" lie continued, satirically. "Why, I remember when I was away from home for a few weeks I got into a place where tin scorching sun-rays actually used to raise large blisters on the blocks of ice which we had to sit upon to keep in from catching brain fever. Ah! that was a warm place if you like. The water in the river was boiling hot—the cattle in the fields used to walk about all browned over like a smoked jointoven the old hens used to lay hardboiled eggs—and when it rained, as it did sometimes, we all used to stay indoors for fear if the scalding rain-drops. Why, actually " "You'll go there again some day, old man, if you stick to the story," quietly said the first speaker. Short: "If Long calls with that lit'.lc bill tell him I'm out." Mrs. Short: "But that would be telling a falsehood." Short: "Nothing of the kind, I'm out of cash."

"How's yer 'usband after the accident, Mrs. Ginnerty?" "Faith, sumtoinies he's betther an' sumtoimus he's wurse, but from the way he yils an' takes On whin he's bettheiOi think he's betther whin he's wursa." Kindheart: "So your father's "ill and can't work? It's very hard to have tho breadwinner ill."

The Kid: "Yes, sir; but it might 'a' been wuss. It might 'a' been mother, an' she's butter-an'-cheese-an'-meat-an'-tatei'6 - an' - coal -. an' - boots • an'-clothes-an'-rent-winner all in one."

Tommy: "Mamma, is the old bro-.-n hen going to be sent away for the summer';"

"No, Tommy; hut why do you ask?" Tommy: "Well, I heard papa tell I lie new governess that he would take hor out driving when he sent the old hen away for the summer."

His Wife: "And you arc to defend that shoplifter!" The Lawyer: "My dear, she isn't a shoplifter. She was formerly, but she has saved so much money in the last ten years that she has become a kleptomaniac."

She: "Why was the engagement broken off?"

He: "Well, after taking the girl to dinners and theatres, giving her costly presents and a birthday gift of a motorcar, her father accused me of amusing myself at her expense."

"Your daughter's music is improving,'' 1 said the professor, "but when she gets to the scales I have to watch her pretty closely."

"Just like her father," said Mrs. Nuriteh. "He made his money in tic grocery business."

Mrs. Gubbel: "What do you thi-ik, George? When the doctor "called Ue other day he asked me to put out mv tongue, and when I did so he quite hurt me. He "

Mr. Gabbel (interposing): "Did he tread on it?"

Ma: "Veil, Aaron, it ig little Abv'a birthday to-morrow. Vat are you going to give him for a presentt" Pa: "If he's a very good poy I'll hav.the front vinders cleaned and let him look at the horses going by."

A meddlesome woman riding in a tramcar began sneering at a° vouug mother's awkwardness with her 'baby, and said: "I declare a woman ought never to have a baby until she knows how to hold it!"

"Nor a tongue either," quietly responded the young mother.

Mrs. Payne was glancing over the evening paper.

"Is it going to be fine to-morrow?" asked her husband, who alwavs read the weather probabilities first.

"Perfectly lovely," replied Mrs. Payu», absently; "there are n o fewer thv.i seven bargain sales advertised!"

Wife: "In a battle of tongues a woman can hold her own."

Husband: "M'yes, p'r'aps she can; but she never docs."

Air cut, sir?" enquired a barber of a customer whose head was almost bald.

"No," was the sarcastic retort. "I want it done up in a bun and fasten-t! with a pink ribbon!"

"I saw you kissing my daughter from behind that palm. Now, what have yon to say to me, sir?"

_ "Well, I'll say nothing about it this time, but don't let it occur again!"

Private Bill Iluggins (to colonel, who has brought him to see a memorial brass l n the church to those of the re<r|. ment who fell in the war): "Well, zur, if I'd a-known your name wnrn't agolng to be amongst *cm, blessed if T would *a' give a penny to the thing!"

"Oh, dear!" sighed her husband's wtfe, "I can't find a pin anywhere. I wonder where all the pins go to, anyway?" "That's a diflicult question to a!iswer," replied bis wife's husband, ''because they are always pointed in 01c direction and headed' in another."

Smithson was a confirmed spendthrift. When he removed into Aristocratic Street (not without the help of his friends) he boasted to one of his ro'ations how carefully he was living, and declared that his affairs were going on like clockwork. "That I can easily imagine." was the reply; "all lick-tick-tick!"

"I understand that our friend Hujiter," said Joakley, "is workin on a big money - making scheme to remove weeds."

"The idea!" exclaimed Coakley. 'I didn't know he took any interest in gardening." |r He doesn't. He's merely laying his plans to capture old Gotrox's prcttv widow."

A young Continental humorist who came over to England, hoping la find London editors in receptive mood, forwarded a contribution to one with this note:

Dear Sir—l arrived in London this morning and paid a visit to Westminster Abbey this afternoon. I found th:? call depressing, for a man naturally shrinks from inspecting the spot where he is to be buried."

Mrs. Rashun: "That new beehive hat of yours makes your face look very short." J

Mrs. Fashun: "That's funnv; it made my husband's face look very'long!"

Jimmy: "1 was up at the menagerie yesterday afternoon."

"I was there, too," responded Xtikc. "By me soul," said Jimmy, scratching his head, "I was lookin' for ye. Which cage were you in?"

Two guests came to spend the evening, and didn't know when to depart. The host and hostess were patient with them, very patient; but when elevn. twelve, and finally one o'clock struck, the husband realised that somethiig must now be done. He was nn original chap, and. in his droll way. he looked over at hits wife and said, mildly: "My dear, hadn't we better get up to bed? Our friends may want to be going."