ALLEGED HUMOR.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LII, Issue 193, 18 September 1909, Page 3

ALLEGED HUMOR.

| QUICK TRAVELLING. J One Sunday a number of travellers ! were applying for refreshments at a ; public-house in Liverpool, when the folI lowing conversation ensued:— I ''Where are you from?" said the doorkeeper to an applicant. I "Gerston," said the man. "Slept there last night!" I "Yes." i "All right, passin." "Where are you from?" to the next, '■Liiivenhciid.' "Slept there last night?" "Yes." "Pass in." Just then a time-expired soldier came along who had arrived from abroad that morning, and asked to be admitted. "Where are you from?" asked the doorkeeper. "Hong-Kong," suid the ex-soldier. "Slept there last night?" ! "Yes." ; "Right; pass in." IT BELONGED TO SOMEONE ELSE. Not very long ago a young lady was choosing a hat in a milliner „ shop. Sue was afflicted with the usual uncertainty of mind as to the kind of hat she wanted—or whether, indeed, she wanted ] a hat at all—-when, after trying on , nearly every mold in the shop, shl pounced with glee on one she hau overlooked. ! "Now, this is something like!" she said. "Why did you not show me this before?" Without waiting for an answer, she appealed to her patient frieuu. "There's some style about this, isn't there? How do I look?" The friend distinctly sniffed, "it makes you look a hundred, and it's very dowdy," she said. The other tried the hat at another angle. "It is rather dowdy," she admitted. "Perhaps 1 won't risk it, after all." A voice from behind her made itfc third attempt to gain a hearing. "If you've quite done with my hat," it said, very bitterly, "I should rather like to put it on." A canvasser stepped briskly up to Mr. Meekem's desk and laid a small article close to his right hand. "I have here a new letter-opener," he said; "a handsome article, to be kept on the table in your library, and " "Pardon me," interrupted Mr. Meekem, ■ without turning his head, "but I have already the best letter-opener, and the quickest." ' "How long have you had it?" persisted the canvasser. "You know there are constant improvements always being introduced." "Mine couldn't be improved," responded Meekem. "I've had her for about two years now—anniversary of the wedding next month!" Mr. Juggins: "A black cat came to our back fence last night." Mrs. Juggins: "Did it bring you good luck?" Mr. Juggins: "That's what it did. / hit it the very lirst time I fired." Bronson: "1 understand that he painted cobwebs on the ceiling so perfectly that the maid wore herself out trying to sweep thSm down." Johnson: "There may have been such an artist, but there never was such a housemaid." "Och! Dennis, darlint, what is it you're doing?" "Whisht, Biddy; l'sc tryin' an experiment." "Murther! What is it?" "Why, it's giving hot wather to the chickens 1 am, 60 that they'll be afther laying boiled eggs!" "What are your plans for the holidays?" "I expect to send for about three hundred various booklets uuVcrtising summer resorts." "Yes?" "I shall examine them carefully, and then go where I always go." Little Elvira: "Mamma, when the fire goes out, where does it go?" Mrs. Gaylord: "I don't know, dear. You might just as well ask where your father goes when he goes out." "Was his motor going so very fast ?" "Your honor, it was going so fast that the bulldog on the seat beside Tun looked like a dachshund." Suffragette: "We believe that a woman should get a man's wages." Married Man: "Well, judging from my own experience, she does." "I am sorry, my dear sir, but I neglected to bring my surgical instruments with me." "That will be all right, doctor. The plumber who has been working in the cellar has left his tools here." Mrs. Nagger: "The noise you make at night is very unpleasant music." Nagger: "Do you call snoring music?" Mrs. Nagger: "I should say so—sheet music, arranged for the bugle." Leader of Lynching Party (in Far West): "You got anything to say before we strings you up?" The Condemned Man (apologetically!: "If it ain't too much trouble, I'd like* to have you trim the end o' the rope where it's frayed. It tickles me neck." Father: "Yes, sir, I began as an officeboy, and here I am at the top of the tree. And what is my reward? Why, when I die my son will be the greatest rascal in the town." Tho Prodigal (calmly): "Yes, pater. But not till you die!" "But," protested the young housekeeper, "the milk is sour." "Ycs'm," replied the honest milkman; "it's shameful how lazy them farmers is gittin'. Ye see, ma'am, they've been ■ overslcepin' theirsclvcs lately, an' before they git their cows milked the stuff turns." "Where are you off to in such a hurry 1" "To fetch the doctor for my husband." "What's up with him?" "He tells me he has got hepatitis, dyspepsia, rheumatism, enteritis, gastritis, appendicitis, nephritis, and cerebro-spinal meningitis." "Holy terrors! Where did he get all that?" "Why, a man induced him to buy a medical dictionary, and he's just been \ reading it." There is a story told of a Welsh doctor who went to settle in a Kentish village, and the first night of his arrival he was sent for to attend a child. He looked at the little sufferer very attentively, and then delivered this opinion: "This baby's got the measles; but I ain't posted up on infectious diseases. We must approach this case by circular treatment. You give the little child this draught. That'll send him into fits. Then send for me; I'm a stunner on fits." The sages of the village were discussing the veracity of old Si Perkins when Uncle Bill Abbott ambled in. "What do you think about it, Uncle Bill?" they asked him. "Would you call Si Perkins a liar ?" "Waal," answered Uncle Bill, slowly, as he thoughtfully studied the ceiling, "I don't know as I'd go as far as to call him n liar exactly, but I know this much: when feedin' time comes, in order to get any response from his pigs lis has to get somebody else to call 'em for him." Of the culprits haled before a police magistrate there was one—an Irishman —who had caused no end of trouble to the police. _ The magistrate regarded the ! prisoner with mingled curiosity and in- I dignation. [ "So you're the man that gave the i officers so much trouble?" his Donor j asked. "I understand that it took seven policemen to lock yon up." "Yes, yer Honor'," responded the Celt, with a broad grin; '■hut it would take only one to let me out." A sinter who was engaged upon the roof of a house i„ Scotland fell from the ladder and lay i n an unconscious state upui the pavement. One of th; pedestriann in the street who rushed to the aid of the poor man chanced to have a flask of spirits in his pocket, and, to revive him, "began to pour a little down his throat. "Canny, nion, canny," SauT a man looking on, "or you'll choke him." The "unconscious" slater slowly opened his eyes nnd said quietly: "Pour awa', mon, pour awa'; ye're doin' fine." * ■ * # Tin the temporary absence of the Beauty Editor this question was handed by mistake the Sporting Editor: "How should-one get rid of superfluous ( hairs on the upper lip?" > "That's easy." )„, wroti , iu r ; I ush the young man away.' »