ALLEGED HUMOR.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LII, Issue 187, 11 September 1909, Page 4

ALLEGED HUMOR.

OUTTS KNEW. Cutts, the screaming comedian, and Sinutts, the roaring humorist, chanced to hit upon the Bame town for their ' shows one night. Consequently when Sinutts with his company arrived in i'udford and came upon a hoarding on which was announced the fact that Cutts would be playing that same night at the rival theatre, he started in consternation. Sinutts read the announcement from top to bottom, and then turned lo an unoutrusive luau near by. "Have you seen this show?" asked Smutts. I

"Rather," said the young man. "How's this fellow Cutis in it?" "Simply Al," answered the individual. "He's screaming!" "Is he as good as Sinutts?" ventured Smutts. "Lick him into fits!" said the young man.

Smutts looked at him very sternly, and then, in the hollow tone of a tragedian, he said, "I am Smutts.'" "I know you are," said the young man cheerfully; "I am Cutts!"

A LASTING EFFECT. On the local market ground a lustylunged auctioneer was holding forth in flowery tcrm6 on the virtues of a particular brand of cigars he was endeavoring to induce his audience to purchase. Holding up a box of cigars, ho shouted:

"You can't get better, gentlemen. 1 don't care where you go, you can't got better."

"No," came a cynical voice from a man lr. the crowd, "you can't. I smoked one last week, and I'm not better yet."

WHY SHE WAILED. Little Mary, three years old, brought her mother to her nursery with heartlending wails. "What is the matter, dearie? Why are you screaming?" "Maninin, am I all here?" "Certainly you arc all here right there in your bed!" "But, mamma, feel me and 6ee if I'm all here. Are both my feet here and the top of my head 1" "Certainly, Mary! Every hit of you is here, tucked up among the sheets. Why do you think you are not?" "Why, because, mamma"—this with another sob—"l dreamed—l dreamed I was a big packet of chocolate, and that 1 had eaten myself!"

A CONFIRMED OBSERVATION. A one-armed man entered a restaurant at noon and seated himself next to a little other-peoplc's-business man. The latter at once noticed his neighbor's left sleeve hanging loose, and kept eyeing it in a how-did-it-happen sort of a way. The one-armed man paid no attention to him, but kept on calingwith his one hand. Finally the inquisitive one could stand it no longer. He changed his pOsi. * tion a little, cleared his throat, and I said:

"I beg pardon, sir, but I see you have lost an arm."

The one-armed man__picked up his sleeve with his right hand", and peered anxiously into it. "Bless my soul!" he exclaimed, looking up with great surprise. "I do believe you're right." JUST WANTED A SENSATION.

The girl was very rich and the young man was, poor but honest. She liked hiin, but that was all, and he knew it. One night he had been a little more tender tua n usual. "You arc very rich," he ventured. "Yes," she replied frankly. "I am worth one millio?i two hundred and flftv thousand pounds." "And I am poor." "Yes." "Will you marry me?" "No." "I thought you wouldn't." "Then why did you ask me?"

"Oh, just to sec how a man feels when he loses one million twg hundred and fifty thousand pounds."

Gerund, who stuttered badly, returned home at tour a.m. in a blissful mood from an "evening" at the club. On entering the house he was greeted from above by Mrs. Gerund, and the following dialogue ensued: "Is that you, John?" accused Mrs. Gerund from the landing. "Y-y-yes, m'dcar, that's m-inc!'' delightedly answered Gerund. "What do you mean, sir," thundered his wife, "by coming home at four o'clock?"

"F-four o'c-clock!'' echoed Gerund in a gently surprised and hurt tone. "Why, it's j-j-jus' one o'clock."

"Sir," came the frigid voice from above, "the clock has just struck four!" When Gerund replied, it was in a sub. dued, almost hopeless tone, but with absolute conviction. "D-do you know, my d-d-dear, that the clock is st-t-tuttering again ?"

He was one of those people who are not really incredulous, but who seem so through an unfortunate inability to express their emotions as they feel them. He overheard some acquaintances discussing the death of a friend, and on his joining the group the following dialogue ensued:

"Did I understand you to say poor old Brown was dead?"

"Yes; died on Wednesday of last week."

"Is it possible?' "Yes, it's only too true." "So Brown is dead?"

"Yes, he Is dead." "Well, well. Do you know, I can scarcely believe it. Poor Brown, I knew him so well. So He's really dead?" "Well, if he isn't he's in a very awkward fix, for I saw him buried on Saturday."

The conversation ended abruptly

"Arc you sureHiese sheets are clean?" asked a traveller. "Quite clean, sir," the chambermaid answered confidently. "They were only washed this morning. Feel them, sir—they aro not dry yet!"

The following notice appeared in a well-known shop in Sunderland:— "Overland trunks."

A witty American, who happened to see the notice, entered the shop, and began to talk to the shopkeeper. "I say," he began, "do you keep any underland trunks?"

The shopkeeper was ready for him, however, and replied, "Oh, yes, sir." Then, turning aside, he called an assistant from a back room, and said, "John, show this gentleman the coffin department."

Cobmiggor: "I hear Mie storm blew your tcn,t down?"

Circus Fakir: "Worse 'than that. The rain gave the sword-swullower a. sore throat and .Washed nil the designs off I'he tatwoed -man."

"My hair 'is falling out, old chap!" a solicitor confided to a medical friend. "Can you recommend something to keen it in?"

"Certainly!" 'was 'the reply. "A cardboard box!"

Mrs.ll'arvenoo: "This, Major, is by an aid WM'Ster." The Major: "Really! I shouldn't have thought so." Mrs. Parvenoo: "Oh, yes. Why, the man I bought 'it from gave me a written guarantee 'that the na'tist was over sevcnf.y ■when he did it."

Lady Tourist (to cottager's wife): "Arcithf-e three mice little boys all your own, Mrs. MiK'farlnne?" "Yes.'iuiini; but Jiini in the middle's a lassie."

"I suppose you find that a baby briglJtcns up the house?" said a, Imlchelor to u, friend wiho had ranged himself among -the Benedicts.

"Yes," was the semi sad reply, "we burn twice tile gasiwc used to!"

"Maunuia," said iictilo Tommy, as he closed .the big book, "what 'are the 'wings of 'tome' ?"

"The 'wittgß of time,' my son," replied his mo'tilicr in, loud tones, "are the faded wii)gs_ I have been wearing on my hat for three seasons."

And tlion pa coughed uneasily and told Tommy if he did oi»t stop asking foolish questions he would send him to bed.

Suburbanite (to visitor): "Oil, how are you? Come right in. Don't mind the dog." Visitor: "But won't he bite?"

Suburbanite: "That's just I want to see. I only Sought him this •morning as a ■watchdog."

"I vrmt to ask you «, pa," said Tommy.

"Ask your mother," answered £!io .tired father.

"Well, tat it dsnty ft silly question I want to a«k you." "All right." wearily. "What is it?" "Well, if 'the end of tliio wor.ld was 4o come «nd the earth was destroyed while a man was up in a. Walloon, where lyould ho to catne down?"