ALLEGED HUMOR.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LII, Issue 181, 4 September 1909, Page 4

ALLEGED HUMOR.

I CHICKEN FOR ONE. ' I A tramp, wandering, footsore, and weary, for the sake 01 avoiding work, oailed at the door of a, country fitrni- , house and said he would like something to ,eat. "Arc you so hungry?" "No, ma'am, not so (hungry, but kind of faint. I t-ould cat a bit of cold thicken." "It seems to me tliat you arc pretty fastidious for a—Or-for an—itinerant:" "Y'is, ma'wn; 1 11111 that, ma'a,'.n. That's just what ails >ine. I had that itinerant so bad that I was laid up with it six weeks last month. It seemed to take me in- the spine of me back, ma'am, an' iver siiuce notliin' rests so alisy in uie as cold chicken." TOO MUCH DOC. A melancholy - looking gentleman, shabbily dressed and with long hair, was shown into the editor's room. "I have written a poem on 'the dog'," ho said. "What dog!" demanded the editor Percely.

"It is not any particular dog," faltered the poet. "Do you mean to «iy you t*)k advantage of the dog, 'beeniioc it was not particular, and wrote your poem on it?"

"I am afraid you do not understand me," explained the caller meekly. "I wrote the poem regarding the dog " "But why were you rcgau'ding the dog at nil? What had it done?"

"If you 'will allow wc to explain, I lincl been inspired by the dog's fidelity—" "If 'the dog was 'faithful, why should you soak to hurt it« feelings by writing! a poem on it? And, again, how did you manage to write a poem on it? DM you ■Wave lite poor brute sharved, and tattoo the versos on its birck, or did you mere. ,\ wri'to tliem on? Perha'ps you " * But the poet hud fled! Albert Chevalier, the comedian, tells of an amusing conversation he overheard i;i the old Lyceum Theatre, London. Tic was sitting in the stalls, enjoying one of ■■■ i limrv Irvine's famous scenes, when lie became conscious of an unusual

■;. ~ni>:>. u; whispering proceeding from nis ieft. The interrupters were two ■.. \uiing ladies. "Quite too nire, i-u't_.he>" said one, referring to Sir Henry. "Oh, quite more than too nice!" answered her companion. "Only, ■i'...:ii't it strike y-!i! —n little weakno.-s m the knees?' "Weakness!'' retort nl her friend. ".My •;>■:■.:■ girl, that's his pa Hick."

Prospective I'tireii aser (arrived from town to see the property as advertised -naie throe weeks a;."'. He has not heard of the recent lloo:!s in that part of the country): "Look here, are you selling this property by tlie yard or oy the pint!" A London hailed by a countryman who was dressed in a style calculated to nuke the Cockneys laugh, shrugged his „'.n;i:iders and was aboiit to drive on, v.'iun (he countryman shouted to him: "What! you refuse to take me, although you are not engaged?" "Well, no," said the cabby. "I'll talce you just to amuse (lie poor old horse." At an athletic ii:rrtinsr a cyclist once broke tlie record for a certain distance, i for which he received a grand reception. A boy who witne-s.d it asked his uncle why they tarried him round tile ground. "Why, lie lias.liiokeu a record on Vs cycle, and tliev are proud of him." "Well, T broke a record on father's gramophone y-tenhj, but I got a thrashing for it." An officer on board one of Tf.lt. ships was about to reward an Ivisli sailor for some act of great bravery. "Now, ray bids." said ho, "I am very proud to pin lh\s in 'ilnl nn the breast of Patrick V.y.ia and lodge Co to his credit in the ban!; as a reward for his great pluck." Pat blushed, looked at his superior officer, and said: "If it's al! flic same to you, sir, I'd rather you'd pin the ,t's note on my chest and lodge the medal in the bank." A hoy in a certain school was is'-:ed during a geometw lectin to dcline a circle. After a little thought he answered with a smile"lt's a line caught hurling.'' Mrs. Crupp (seaside landlady): "I never diargeu my gents for h.iny cxleas, sir, whatsmnove'r, but coals is sixpence a (scuttle should you want anv.'' Prospective Lodger (•■vim' Ins had some): "Quite so, ma':m, ipii'c -o. Anil, as you see"—producing lin-;e eoal-cul tic from behind his luggage 'l've brou«!it my own!" The boy terror was in evidence oga;n. Jlis parents had invited siaie friends to dine, amoticr them being !i! fi sister's limit, who took the incorrigible on his knee. During a lull in the ennveivalkm tint young hopeful smldeniv yelled out: "Mr. P.rown. is 1 as heavy n« sister?" But no one ""me I to hear him! "May I ask what is your occupation, sir?" said the old boarder to the latest arrival. "My occupation ?" replied the newcomer. "Oh, I'm a sculptor." "You carve marble, do you?" "Yes." "Ah, I foresee you will be a vat nliMi acquisition to this house. Will you kindly come up to this end of the table anl , carve this fowl ?" A keen golfer, hut middling playir, who was paving his annual visit to a certain seaside course, remarked to his I caddie: I "By the tvay. T played a round with Tom McGregor 'the last time I was here. I Grand player, McGregor!" '. | . "Aye," said the caddie, "but ye could , bale McGregor noo." "Do you think so?" exclaimed tie M "ratified visitor, well aware of the I I .\p flregor's prowess." , "Aye," drawled the caddie: McGregor's