ALLEGED HUMOR.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LII, Issue 175, 28 August 1909, Page 4

ALLEGED HUMOR.

"According to this magazine," said \ Mrs. Billingnam, ''siieed onions scalt'M:d about a. room will absorb the odour of , fresh paint.'' u '"I guess that's right," rejoined Bifling-' ham. "Likewise, a broken neck will relieve a man of catarrh!" t The Collector (endeavoring to /alee f funds for a widow and orphans): ''.Now, t Mr. Flanaghan, can I put you down for a small subscription?" j Fiiinaglian (a very lard case): \ * Siture: it's a very Uudubie objici, and 1 ye can put me down tor ihrec aiid-siA-per.cu, a:il Heaven knows I'd give )e i he inonej' if 1 had it." A Sunday-school superintendent want-' | ed to "show oil" the intelligence of his pupils to a wealthy visitor on the plat- . form, so he smiled at the school and < said: 1 "Now, children, what kind ui people ' to heaven. Now, wiio can lei!':' < "1 can,'' said To.li.ny. "The dead < uties.' ; ! < • « . . H "Here!" slionted (lie ruilwr.v uilu.a:, I "what do vou mean bv tlinnv.m; iii..«e trunks about like thai!" " , Ihe m ii'ioiiishnli.nt, and several travellers |iinc!ied tliein.vus to make .-ure tnat il wiw real. Then the olliiial .spoke iiL'ain: "Jj .u't ! . 011 see that lOii're iuakiiig big dents ] 11:1 this concrete piatform?" | ! A clergyman, who was not averse to I •ill occasional glass, hired ail Irishman | to clean out his cellar. The irishman 8 iiegan his work. He brought lonh a )„i iv ■ 0!' f eni|>ty whisky hollies, and as he ' 8 J lifted each one looked through ic at the I j sun.. The preacher, who was walking I I on the lawn, saw him, and said: I I "They arc all dead ones, I'at." | I "They arc!" 6aid l'at. "Well, there I i is one good thing about it, they all had | the minister with them when they we.-e ( dying." I A young girl once asked Hark Twain B if lie liked books for birthday gifts. I "Well, that depends," drawled the f great humorist. "If a hook has a leather! r cover it is really valuable as a razor, 1 strop. If it is a brief, concise \vork,| such as the French write, it is useful | to put under the short leg of a -wobbly ' table. An old-fashioned book with ai clasp can't be beat as a missile to hurl | at a dog; and a large book, like a j geography, is as good as a piece of tin j C to nail over a broken pane of glass." 11 Sunday - school Teacher (greatly shocked): "Oh, Tommy Griggs! Tommy Griggs! Playing cricket on Sunday! Wherever do you expect to go to?" Tommy Griggs (hopefully): "Well, ma'am, if I stick at it, I 'opes to go to Lord's and play i n a Test match." "We've bnpn linviiifr n vootilni' nlftnr.

"We've been having a regular clearance at home," explained .Mr. X. at the office, "throwing all sorts of old things away. I put one of my wedding presents on the life this morning." "Did you nally!" a?ked a horrified colleague; "what was it?" "A copper kettle," replied X.

, "Captain," remarked the nuisance -a shipboard who always asks foolish question*, "what is the object in throwing the jinchor oyerboard!" "Voung man," replied the old salt, "do vou understand the theory of seismic disturbances! Well, we * throw the anchor overboard to keep the ocean from slipping away in the fog."

Willie hud tried by various means to interest his father in conversation. "Can't you see I'm ti'ving to read?" said the exasperated parent. "Xo>v> don't bother me," Willie was silent for almost a minute, Then, reflectively: "Awful accident in the Tube to-day." Father looked up with interiut. "What's that?" Jle asked. "An accident in the Tube?"

"Yes," replied Wiilie, edging towards the door; "a woman had her eye on a seat and a man sat on it."

One morning, when Abraham Lincoln was on his way from home to his office, two girls ahead of him were skipping backward on the sidewalk. As they ncared and were within a few feet til !ii:n one of them struck the edge of a Iniek and fell backward. Before she reached the ground Mr. Lincoln had (■■.night her in his arms. Lifting her tenilerly to her feet, he asked the girl her lnrne.

"Mary Tuft," she answered, blushing. "Well, Mary." said Mr. Lincoln, sin'!ing, "'Allien you resell home you can tlitc'ift:ll-.- tell your mother you have roste.l on Abraham's bosom."

Mrs. Uustavt was civiita h'-r first At Home, which included the elite of ill" county, and Mrs. C.'s mother, a vvy loquacious old woman, whom Mrs. Upstart. had previously told the wav !o behave before such distinguished gucUs. Mi's, Upstart was at the .height of her

ambition, dialling mid laughing with her most notable guests on either side, when a lady at the end of the table iemarked:

'II the y.-iy. ' ,s. IVirart, that's a lovely new brougham you have got." "Oil, Mary!" exclaimed the ladys mother, reprovingly, "is il another new broom, an' John only swept the yard twice with, the last one?"

Kirsty McDougall, who lived in a reHighland parish, had a visit from her Edinburgh nieces, who were to spend u week or two with the old lady. She determined to show them oIT on Sunday at the ancient village kirk of Loehaber, The young ladies wore costumes of tip] purest snowy hue. At the point of his sermon the minister, in speaking of the angels o£ Heaven, was heard to say: "And who are those in white array?"

To the consternation of the congregation Kirsty was heard to exclaim: "It's ma twa nieces, sir, frae •Edinburgh."

"They say that Stevenson frequently worked a whole afternoon on a singlo line,"

"That's nothing. I know a man who lias been working the last six years on one sentence."

Skinner: ''Good morning, ma'am! Did you ever see anything so unsettled as ilie weather has been lately?" Mrs. Hashley: "Well, there's your hoard bill, Mr. Skinner." * * # Fancier: "This dog, madam, would be .cheap at ,C 20," Ladi': "I would take him; but I'm afraid my husband might object." I'ancier: "Madam, you can got another husband much easier than a don like that." *» « j , Umpire (anxious to give the villagJ toper, who lms been called in (it tho! js'it minute to fill a vacancy in the team,l Ins -'centre"): "Xow, Garge, what'll yo.i { take?" Garge (with gratitude): ''Kr—a largcl .brandy-and-soda, meester, and thiinlt f you kindlv!" * * * "I often wonder," remarked Mr. ■Stubb. in solemn re!lectio:.i, "if tin- last! man on earth will have the last word."l "Of course lie will, .10.),.,.'' laughedi Mrs. Stubb. "Hut why are you so sure?" "Because the last woman will give it to him. » * * ''ls there a stone quai'iv being worked j» the vicinity?" enquired the traveller, as he stood wailing to board liis (rain .at the, country station, "f tin.n»hi | heard loud reports, like the explosion oi dynamite in the blasting of locks.' "Xo," rejoined the porter, willi a j chuckle; "those noise* come from Cut vlittle structure olf the ticket ollice or:r j there. It's the lugEragc-room.'' I Mr. and Mrs, Kliea were oik' dav wa'l-. iu<r at a ruilw station fin- th"'n- train.) When the (nhi arrived Mrs. Shea went; .into a cnrriaL'!' labelled '.'Ukluu only."! ■ Iter b.u-bauil \yas about to follow wlkmii lie iras sioni'cil hy the guard, tin told him tlint Hie ' om|iar!i;icnt \va,< i-'-'i'vcd for ladi' ,(; . ; "That's all right, mv stood tn in." said', Mr. Shea, ''but v. " should not stop mej for"—pomtmir to his wife—"l'm as much I of a Hlr.-a fsh-' as -he is." ! Poet: "The editor returned tlit\(j | poem." | I Artist: "Xever, miiid, you had yoar ruv.engn.H I I'oet: "In wlint way?" j ArlMt: "lie liiid.to read it." ] Critic (as the enninoscr olnvs his li;t| niece): "Very fine indeed! ft'.i*wwit; idii'ls run down the back?" I i Cnnrios"!': "That is w!t«v> ' 1... ! derer lnin the hotel i.ill brought hj, him." ' I Little Willie: "Say, pa. wlnn i; *j ' .. i - l'a: "A bviii.icciv son. ■> -n"i v.'Vr.i wiWWv th«nl» I'twM •<«»•> fr>- V» body insinuates t.hat lie isn't siisr.iilv *e sponsible for it himso'.f."