ALLEGED HUMOR.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LII, Issue 179, 21 August 1909, Page 3

ALLEGED HUMOR.

"I feel bad this morning, Sis. There was the "usual ,\ark' 'at the club last night." "You mean the 'usual swallow, Augustus."

Parke: "You keep a joint banking account with your wife, don't you?" Lane: "Well', yes; I deposit the money and she draws' it out."

A bashful young man escorted 'in equally bashful young lady to her home As they approached the dwelling of tli.' damsel she said, entreating!}': "Zekil, don't tell anybody you satf me home."

"Sary," said lie, emphatically, "don't you mind; I am as much ashumed of it as you arc!"

A truly eloquent parson had been i preaching for an hour or so on the j immortality of the soul. ' "I looked at the mountains'," he declaimed, "and could not help thinking, 'Beautiful as you are, you will be dc-: stroved, while my soul will not.' 11 gazed upon the ocean and cried, 'Mighty i is you are, you will eventually dry up, I but not II"' I

An American travelling in the under- [ ground of London between Hammersmith and Islington heard the guard call: " 'Ammersmith—'Ammersmitlt!"

Whereupon, being of a humorous turn of mind, he said to the guard: "You have dropped something." "What?" said the guard. "Au 'h,'" answered the American, "Oh, never mind," retorted the guaid. "I'll pick it up at Ilielmgton."

"I will soon lie with my forefathers." exclaimed a blatant orator.

"Yes," interrupted a knowing auditor, "and give them points at it, too." The following brilliant bit of dialogue was heard in a coroner's court: "Had the deceased any hobby?" "Yes, he liked a pint of beer."

"You persuaded your husband to join a glee club?" "Yes," answered Mrs, Bliggins. "When he starts to 6ing at home I can now. advise him not to tire his voice, and when he sings in the club I can't hear him."

Professor Max Muller told a good stcjry of a young American lady visitor to Oxford. She was lost in admiration of the cloisters of Magdalen College, when suddenly a window opened somewhere above her head and a young man looked out.

"Oh, my!" cried the damsel. "Are these ruins inhabited?"

Not long ago, at a village near Durham, a quack doctor was selling recipes lor rheumatism; so a pitman, bought one. It told -lii'm to catch a common house-lly and tickle its r ibs with a clothes-prop until it cried ; then catch the tears in a teaspoon and rub the part affected, and he would get instant relief. .

"Yes," proudly'observed Mr. Smith to bis actor friend, "your profession may be a very lofty one in an artistic sense, but that of a successful City merchant is much better, Look at me,, at the early age of forty-five retired on my fortune and presented by my fellowmerchants with ail illuminated address. Can you boast of any tiling like this! Have you ever had an illuminated ad dress!"

"I have," replied the actor, "once.'' "When." cross-examined Mr. Smith. "Why," replied the actor, "when my lbdgings caught fire."

A major in a certain Tegjment has a great contempt, for incapacity of any kind, and is somewhat impatient. A sergeant complained to him that he could get no man to undertake the duly of barber to the company. "Is there no gardener in the company!" asked the major,' testily. "Sje if you can find one, and send him to j inc." The man was duly sent, but on receiving orders to act as barber he ventured to expostulate. "Great gunsl" cried the major. "If you can cut grass you can cut hair I Go and do it I" • « # # An old worthy went into a bar and ordered a glass of whisky. Just as lie was about to drink it a man standing beside him said: "That is another nail in your coffin, Tam." "Na, na," replied Tam, "it's just another rivet in a Dreadnought." The Heiress:. "Have you seen papa?" The Duke: "Yes. It's all off." The Heiress: "You don't mean to say that he refused to, give his consent!" The Duke: "Oh, no. I-ie said he'd give his consent—but not another cent." »* * ' Two Quakers were having an argument, and one considered the other was speaking falsely. TJiis is how he reproved him: "Friend Thomas, I will not call thee by any bad name, but if the mayor were to ask me who was the greatest liar in' the town, I- would hasten to thee and say, 'Thomas, I think the mayor greatly , desireth to sp»ak with thee.'" . | The young lady, travelling by rail in company with her stern-looking father, from Loudon to Glasgow, was evidently j not in Hie best of health. She was de- : cidedly pretty, but her checks were pale, i | and she appeared generally out of sorts; i The kind, if inquisitive, gentleman oppoj site leaned forward and addressed the stern parent: "Your daughter seems very'ill,"' he] remarked, in a tone of'great sympathy. "Yes, sir," replied' the father, "she j suffers sadly," | "Consumption, I fear!" ' "No, sir. I am sorry to say it is of the heart." ■ "Dear me. Aneurism!" "Oh, no, sir; only a lieutenant in the Navy."

/ His Mother (reprovingly): "Come here, Willie. You know Satan always finds work for idle hands, so I'll get you.to sweep up the yard for me." A newspaper, in speaking of a deceased citizen, said: "We knew hira as old 'IVn per Cent.—the more he had the less' he spent—the more he got the less he lent —he's dead—we don't know where he went—but if his soul to heaven Is sent—he'll own the harp ami charge 'en\ rent."

The wife addressed her husband plaintively: "John William, .you are taking salmon again, and you know that you roust never take anything which does not agree with you." John William smiled sadly: "[ wish I never had, my dear; but where would you have been?"

A professor of the class in Eng.isli history was telling his young men of the impressionable age about the Elizabotlian era, when suddenly turning l" one of the young men who seemed tt> be in a dream, with a far-away gaze, said:

"And how old was Elizabeth, Jlr. Casel"

"Eighteen last birthday," came the instant reply.

The other-people's-lmsiness' man persisted in trying to extra d information from a prosperous-looking elderly n|an next him in the sniflkcy.. "How many people w-o|'H in your office?" lie asked.

"Gil," said the elderly limn, getthi'r up and throwing away his cigar. 'I should say. at a rough guess, about twothirds of tlieni."

Mrs. filnirp: "Have you liled those divorce papers for me? If so. T want yon to stop them at once." ' Lawvev. "Hav.?, yo\i uuidt: it Ml> with vour hiHi-tmlf'

Mrs. Slum: "Hood gracious -in! But he's jii'Vt been run over and killed bv a motor-eaij. and I want to sue the owner for damages."

Am'/ii" the Northumbrian unemployed who annlied for relief -was' a dog-fancier. He was well known by the relieving oITi; cer. so wlien lie declared that his wife] and family >yero % flfflcWj asked; "How can that be? You have ronr great big bulldogs." "Onvbodv knnas that." renlied the man: "but, ye dhmlt think Ah's gnnliin' to fmvi n"i wife e'l'i I-' l ™-- ou such grand bulldogs as Ah liev!"

"f?o niWin* has written I'Morical novel':'' "Yes." ans'wered Miss Cnyejine. "Who is the hero of the book?" "Tiie man who has undertaken to publish it."