ALLEGED HUMOR.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LII, Issue 153, 24 July 1909, Page 4

ALLEGED HUMOR.

!HE PREFERRED (THE OASII. A commercial travelled having got settlement of a long-standing account ivitb a shopkeeper, invited him out 10 U'ue. "Nil, cu," said the tradesman, "I'll ae'cr gang to an inu; tout ju»t tell ' 11 ■L 1 how muckle it would cost ye 10 gi'e rr lilu ni_- dinner. '"Oh," said the tr.ivelier, ® ,t i three shillings or four sliili" Jin's." '-Very well, then," replied tb>' .11 jomist, "gi'e me the four shillings. I'.l be just as well pleased as if I'd ||f . £O. li.u liiiiner." :,ord Churcliinouse: "That horse I had ol vou is all right, .but he doesn't hold ■- l) , 1 iMli high enough." * - jJtaler; "Oh, that's 'is pride, m'lud. t',l 'old it tip when 'e's paid for.' A country visitor to a big city conEj : • lei vplated with amazement the huge s'< gilt sign displayed over the entrance iSSsj, f 10 an institute in a prominent thoroughj' laie "Stammering Institute. Trial Le=-" sou Free." fc "Upon my soul," exclaimed the rural jSx traveller, "if that don't heat all! 1 |g-' • knew they taught 'most everything ' these days, hut who tile dickens wanls & ■ to learn stammerin'?" A kindly old gentleman was tellii:;: |p?-. some lads the story of Samson, "lie «jj£ was ettong," said the speaker in su;.. ML' iiimg up, "became weak, and agjij tvBf' gained his strength, which enabled h.a. Bh;,, -to destroy his enemies. Now, boys, if I l,ad an enemy, what would you advise Efe' ind to do?" J®* A little boy considered the secret of ■By that great ancient's strength, and liis Kf- hand went up. Sv; 'Get a bottle of hair restorer," he ex■m,- claimed. • • • lifer, r "Halloa, Mrt. Lovejoyl" exclaimed a E§|ri gentleman of that lady's acquaintance; jPjjfc "pray. what brings you out so "early in the day!" "Oh, I've just been to the photoIK grapher's with my pet dog, Dido (which |P?J. she carried in her arm), and we had SSs' our portraits taken together, haven't SEt" 1 v.l, Dido? Beauty and the beast, you Bfc know, Mr. Johnson"—with a saucy little Rp laugh. B* __ 1 And what a little beauty he is, to be ffiL*- suie!" replied Johnson, inadvertently, Kg as he tenderly stroked poor Dido's head KP-and pulled hi'ears. And then he sudBspt" denly remembered, and became hot and iu turn. A religious worker gave a "Talk for Mg~ ' • ilra," during the course of which he exBi; f pressed his conviction that no young Bgfc iran should visit any place to which he jfis'r'--would not'feel justified in taking his jK> o\vn sister. "Is there any young maij present who B? thinks one'may safely disregard this KL wise rule?" asked the speaker. Whereupon a youth in the rear of the SwS ; V hall arose and shouted in a stentorian Spt:-. tone: "Yes, sir, I do." ■ "And what, sir," demanded t,he angry Ip* and surprised speaker, "is the place to which you yourself would think of visit- • jng to which you could not take your sister?" •, aPr "The barber's." ggjjrsV-v * * * "There will be a meeting of the sj| loard," said the preacher, "at the conjgiy; cimion of this service." So the official HgS! brethren of the church gathered around i®- the pastor after the benediction was j||t pronounced. Among them was a stranS|jH ger, whom it was necessary as delicately gig t as possible to remind that his presence Ear,V was not needed. "I beg your pardon," |||f said the stranger; "I understand this E||| was to be a meeting of the bored, of which I claim to be one."

In 1868 Judge Little, a testy man ' but a good lawyer, was suddenly appointed. to fill a vacancy on the superior court bench in North Carolina. He had ■ a habit of swearing which could not be : / suddenly laid aside. At one of his first courts, a lawyer, nettled at one of his , decisions,, said, in a rather emphatic . way: "We will appeal from that." The old judge forgot the proprieties of his new post, and promptly replied to the j: f startled counsel, in the same ton?: V "Appeal and Jie d——d!" V A matron ol the most determined character' was encountered by a young " -woman reporter oa a country paper, • vwho was sent out to interview leading ■ citizens as. to their politics. "May I I see Mr.<—J'' jh« : asked of the sternInokisg woman .who opened the door at t one louse. "No, you can't," answered ' the matron deaisively. "But I want to sk I now what<party he belongs to," pleadWX I'd the girl. The woman drew up her grj tall figure. "Well, take a good look at Kf 1 ine," she said, 'l'm the party he belongs W "Some men preach," said Sydney §f 5 Smith, "as if they thought sin is to be jp taken out of a man as Eve was taken H' out of Adam, by casting him into a protv, found slumber." So, at any rati?, Jiought not South, who, preaching one jp- day at Whitehall, observed King Charlis I* i the Second and several of his attemlants asleep. Stooping down, he cried fip/- out to one of the delinquents: "My lord, \ lam sorry to interrupt you, but if you ? snore so loudyou will wake the King." S His Majesty thereupon awoke, and, turning to his neighbor, remarked, with pk. , lus accustomed good nature: "This man must be made a .bishop; remind me on K the next vacancy." Latimer speaks of 9® a woman who suffered from insomnia, 0, and who, all soporifics having failed, wai S*A. taken to the Church of St. Thomas of Acres, when she fell at once into a refreshing slumber. % "What did Jinx say at the banquet Kg-;- . Inst night?" ( m; ; "Nothing." 5-"Why, he told me he made a speech! §&•.•- •■ "So he did." r. * * * Little Clarence: "Pa, what is a voltaiior" Mr. Calipers: "A volcano, my son, is ff; i cramped and feverish mountain which Bv< . .wrelies forth fire, smoke, lava, statistics, •.adjectives, and 'copy' for the aewv papers for two years or more after the f i l)i-,t eruption, and beggars description S/3 tvery time it is described." ~ # rf » p A certain schoolmaster, better vereed in classics than cricket, was taking a £party of ladies to watch one of the school matches. Perceiving when he arp - rived on the ground that the game raas /*. • «(lready in progress* he called one of tin* * J pupils to him and linked how the score "r ' stood. The boy rejmtid that they had taken seven wickets for pighty runs. 'How very singular!" said the pednW ; gogue. "I always thought there were only six wickets."

y Vrabc h " said old Billyuns, as he j' finisjid hia dinner, "1 am going to ask £/*' aou o do me a favor. I want yon to H pe i oui i oung man, Mr.—Mr.—WatsP «nimc —a message from me." inuella inuella blushed and looked down at if" Itrll-U $r Tell him." the bluff old millionaire gt went on, "that I don't object to his Ist "-lajing here and running up my gas vs r ills, Ibut that 1 do object -to his carry- '' nig the morning paper away with him * when he leafes." J M Minn have a nice, delicate way of r suing even unpleasant tilings. £ i >oung Mexican lady, talking with a 4 risoncr in ye penitentiary, politely & t i iked How long do you expect to be £ awa\ from home?" ft, A lawyer in Mexico (writes, politely, }§£/ »f a certain client: "I nave written to Br *>i nor about the documents, and I |sf ar awaiting his reply. He has not an-j Bfe'' sn red, although there has been plenty KK, of tune I hear he is in gaol, and that, l|r of course, handicaps him to some expa. A one legged Welsh orator named |!fe Jone« was pretty-successful in bantering gU 'jui Inshma l, when,the latter asked him; ■if How did you come to lose your leg?" sk" , "Well," said Jones, "on examining my jiff .pedigree and looking un jny descent I H* round there was some Irish blood in me, becoming convinced that it was H3E J* tiled n the left leg, I had it cut off Hh*» once ' 'I «9'WIHi Bgfr?'' Bv the powers," said Pat, "it would M&Javt uecn a ver 7 good thing if it bad Bsytelv settled m your head." R&& Pn«ienger Agent: "Here are some ird views along our line of rail. KjgwvuM you like them!" l||jß* Patron "\o, thank you. I rode over HgniihK.' line one day last week, and have gg|§i'jcw-. of my own on it." agfry Jimmv Johnnie U untruthful, or jjljft'sjojiidhin BlfcSs- Jtmie Why?" Big. jiuVnn He told i» his grandfather ,: jffi&w>st a leg or arm in «v«ry battle he Hj|ram>'h,t m an' I, asked him how many BE|jUu , e>> he w a/, in, an' he said, *More'n 4 0*-a Lomai: "I don't see what she ■Kgfctntcd to nutrrv him for. He has a Hffijri. leg i glass' eye, as well as a wig ; HillSS, false teeth." Well, mv dear, you know always diet have a hanier|«KP^fj|>'Tremiiantß.''