ALLEGED HUMOR.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LII, Issue 146, 17 July 1909, Page 4

ALLEGED HUMOR.

Suffragette: "Wliat we mnintaia is t|i# women should get men's -wages." Voter: "Well-, eo they do, mum. Leastways, X know my old 'onwu gets mine!" Teacher: "Wilfred, a lice is something we get wax from. Now, tell lue, what is a .bee Wilfred: "Our teacher is a bee because he's something wc get whacks from." Mr. Jiggins: "liowM you like me for your second, Mrs. Migguis?' Mrs. Miggins: "Uo along with you! You might wuitUll I'm a ividdei. -Mr. Jiggius: ""well, 60 you are. Your liiU's just been run over." "1 hear, my boy, that you have lately told your mother several falsehoods. This grieves me to the heart. Alsvays tell the truth, even though it may bring fullering upon you. Wild you promise me "Ves, father." "Very well. Now go and see who :s knocking at the door. If it's the ratecollector, say I'm not at home!" "My dear," said the -banker to his only daughter, "I have noticed a young man attired in a drees suit in the draiv-ng-room two or three evenings each week of late. What is his occupation!" "He is at present unemployed, father." replied the fair girl, a dreamy, faraway look in her big blue eyes; "but he is thinking seriously of accepting a position as life-companion to a young lady of means." A lad was standing with his donkey and barrow selling vegetables in London one day, when a sinartly-dreGScd .young man came up and asked: "1 eay, boy, would you like to drive me to the Mansion' House?" The boy thought for a moment and then replied: "Yes, guv'nor; but I don't think the 'amess would fit yer."

A doctor, visiting a small country town, wcat over the local museum. After admiring one or two of the exhibits, the curator, who was an old man, said: "Ah, ibut we've got a chair here that belonged to Louis Cross-Eye." "Oh," said the doctor, "who ivas he?" "Don't you know, sir? Why, he was one of the Kings of France." "King of France? Louie Cross-Eye? There must be some mistake. Show me the chair." The old man promptly complied, and pointed with conscious pride to a ticket inscribed: "Once the property of Louis XI." During a recent strike some men were talking as to how it was they were out of work. "Well," said one, "it's the depression in trade." "No, it's the strike," replied the second. "It isn't that at all," said the third; "it's the cost of material. For instance, there's Jack Smith got a piece of steel in his eye; that cost the firm two hundred pounds. Just fancy what a toil of that would cost!" A 'well-known professor on the me Ileal side of a well-known University was a short time ago honored by a Eoyal npjjointmont. With a flush of pardonable pride he wrote on a blackboard in his laboratory: "Professor informs' his students that he has this day been appointed honorary physician to the King." After the class assembled he had occasion to leave the room for a few minutes, and on his return found that some wag had added the words, "God .Save the King!"

Mrs. Brown: "We're so glad to see you give all the scra]>S to the cat, Susan." The Now Treasure: "Wot I ses, raun, is—be good to the eats, and you may save 'arf your washing-up.'^ Jack: "That young Simperly seems such a fragile fellow J should hesitate to touch hill], for fear lie would break." Sam: "lie wouldn't hesitate about touching you if lie was broke." "What's the matter, JohnV" "Why, ma'am, here's a note from the master in which lie tells me that he's off on a little holiday, and lie wants 1 mo to send his drawing materials aloii". 1 ' I "Well, and isn't that plain enough?" "Hardly, ma'am. I don't knew I whether to semi his paint and brushes jor a corkscrew." | "Here, Benny," said Mr. Bioomlmrapcr to his young son, us the latter uturiu.l j lo church, "are a shilling and a pennv. I You can put which you please in tlio t contribution-box." I Benny thanked his papa and went '.u j church, j Curiuus : to know which coin Beany | had given, his papa asked him when li.: I returned, and Benny replied; ! "Well, papa, it was this nay. The preacher said the Lord loved a cheerful I giver, and I know I could give a peany a good deal more cheerfully than I could give a shilling, so I put tiie penny in." He: My dear, I have a splitting headache. Can't you manage to get rid of these people! She: I can't very well show them lo the door. He: Certainly not; .but you can show yourself at the piano. "My grandfather was a captain of industry." "Weli?" "He loft no sword, but we still treaI sure the stubs of his cheque-books." | Solemn Man: Do you hear the clock slowly ticking ? Do you kiKnv what day it is ever bringing nearer? Cheerful Man: Yes, pay-day. Musician: At your afternoon concert would vou like me to play some of Wagner s works 1 Parvenu: Yes—but on the hurdygurdy, or my guests will not understand it. "Nature plans well for mankind's needs." "I should say &'o. What could be more convenient than ears to hook spectacles

A miner took his boots for repairs, tut was not in a hurry to pay for them. After a few weeks hail elapsed the shoemaker called and asked for the money. The miner's wife answered the door, and on being told by the shoemaker that he had called for the -money for the boots, she shouted into the house and told her good man what was required. "What!" exclaimed the miner. "He | wants paying for repairing the. boots! I Tell liim it's not his turn. Why, the | man that made them hasn't j>ot paid I yet!"

"Them seventeen mothers in the village Alothers' Club agreed to decide by ballot which had the handsomest baby." "Well, who won it?"

"Each kid got one vote." It 'was on one of the Clyde steamers. Sonre of the passengers were relating their experiences of fogs. "Yes,' said the old salt, "I've seen some pretty thick fogs in my time. Why, off the coast of Newfoundland the fog was A'oinotimes so thick that we used to sit on the rail and lean against it! We were sitting one night, as usual, with our hacks np against the fog, when suddenly the fog lifted, and we all weut flop rati) the water. A hit thick, \vasts it'!"

An old plasterer is called upon to give evidence for the plaintiff. Counsel'for the defendant tries to bully him. "Have you ever been in prison?" "Yes, twice." - "Ah! How long the first time?" "One whole afternoon." "What! And the second time?''' "Onlv one hour.'' . "And, pray, what offence had you 'committed to deserve so small a punishment?" "I was H'lit to prison to 'whitewash a cell to accommodate n lawyer who had cheated one of his clients."- * 4 * Ummley had a dog. It was a good, gristly dog with a fond brown eye and bay-window teeth, He was' a dog with a sense of humor, too. He loved to sit uiioir Ills master's doorstep and blink dreamily until u stranger passed by the house. Then he. would leap no and hiiVk in a manner which suggested that the stranger was a deep-dyed villain. "Possibly." remarked a .oass'er-by to Bramtoy, "if 1 were to give that illconditioned brute a sound kicking 1)0 would stoo scaring passers-by out of their. wits." ■• I "T dare say", drawled. IJramlcy. "He i never lhnrk/s with hi? mouth, fny, fit I meat", ' ' : ' '■ " " '