ALLEGED HUMOR.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LII, Issue 138, 10 July 1909, Page 4

ALLEGED HUMOR.

AN IMPORTUNATE INSURANCE AGENT. A ccrUin busy merchant, almost worried to death by the persistent attentions of an insurance agent, suddenly wheeled round in his chair and demanded: "Is your life insured!" "Of course, sir!" "In the case of your death, who beneats?" "My wife, sir." "H'm! Send your wife to me." Rather puzzled, the agent withdrew; but, being a man who u.d not stick at trifles, lie prevailed upon his wife to cail on the merchant, who was sure, he said, to "do something big in the end." "Mrs. Z ," remarked the merchant when the lady called, "I understand \our husband's'iife i 0 insured?" "That is so."

1 "And that you would be entitled to Maim in the event of his death V"

"Certainly." "Then, madam, if you can prevail upon your husband to visit me once more—only once, mind—l'll see that you don't'have .ong to wa.t for .\our money! That's ati! Good morning.'' Z didn't call again. PENNY-IN-THE-SLOT.

There had been some teclin.eal classes started in connection with the parish schools, and when the Vicar called at the home of one of the pupils the boy's nipther expressed her delight at their institution.

"Do you kuow, Vicar," she remarked, "since 'Enry took up the plumbing and gaslitting at them classes it ain't cost us a single penny for gas." "Dear me!" replied the much-gratified reverend gentleman, "and how is' that;" "Why, he went and moved our penny-in-thc-slot meter from the kitchen outside the front door," came the explanation.

"But don't you have to drop the pennies in just the same?" queried the Vicar.

"Npt us, Vicar!" came the proud reply. "Other people does that for us. 'Enry writ 'Chocolates' oyer the top of it, you see."

PARTING IS SUCH SWEET SORROW. The young man and the girl were standing outside the front door having a final chat after his evening call. He was leaning against the doorpost, talking in low tones. Presently the young lady looked around, to discover her father in the doorway, clad in a dress-ing-gown.

"Why, father, what in the world is the matter?" she'enquired. "John," said the father, addressing himself to the young man, "you know I have never complained about your staying late, and I'm not going to complain of that now; but for goodness' sake stop leaning against the bell-push and let the rest of the family get some sleep."

WHAT IT SEEMED LIKE. The aged motor-van was somehow always getting out of repair, and it usually indulged in a little breakdown about once a week in order to vary an otherwise monotonous' existence. Slowly it snorted its way into the broad stream of traffic, when there wus a sudden whirring of wheels, a loud snajp, and the weary and worn framework came to a dead stop. "Look here," said the policeman to the driver, "this kind of thing is occurring too often. Let's sec; what's your number? Yes, 1588!"

"Gam!" said the precocious youth who was' in charge of the cart immediately behind. "That ain't its number. That's the year it was built!"

An. old woman was' profuse iji her gratitude to a magistrate who had dismissed a charge brought against her. "I thought you wouldn't be 'ard on me, your worship," she remarked, as -lie left the dock; "I know 'ow often a kind 'art beats behind a ugly facel"

Dobson: "One thing I like about Litewai'te is that he always stands up 'or his friends."

Ho'bsmr. "Good fellow to meet in a crowded railway carriage, eh?" Saplcigh: "Queer fellahs', these poets. There's one, for instance, who speaks of 'an aching void.' Now, how can there lie an aching void?" Miss Blunt: "Have you never had a l.eadac-hc, Mr. Sapleigh?"

"This play in its intensity," said the go • out - between - the - acts young man, 'fairly takes my breath iawuv." '

"I only wish'it would!" gloomily-r marked the lady in the next seat.

Wife (angrily): "It seems like a liuilIrcd years since we were married. I -vancly recollect where and when we first met."

Husband (emphatically): "I can. It v-ns at a dinner-party, and there were thirteen at the table."'.

Yornigly: "Did you ever notice that tlie matrimonial process is like that of making a call? You go to adore, and unit a belle, anil give your name to a maid," k Cynieus: "Yes, and then you're taken in."

Master: "How was this vase smashed, Mary?" '

%: "If you please, sir, it tumbled dowiTaud broke itself." Master: "Humph! The automatic brake again!" » '* * Schoolmaster: "Xow tell me -what were the thoughts that .passed through Sir Isaac Newton's mind when the apple fed on his head." Hopeful Pupil: "I 'xpects he wis awful glad.it wasn't a brick." - /'Grandfather, I know' what I shall give you for your birthd|ay-a nice meerschaum pipe." "That's good of you', my dear, but I al'mdy have one," "That is to say, grandpa, you did have one. I've just broken it." "He's a coward as well as a bully" was the comment of a manager of a tourist agency, referring to an antagonist. "I called him a liar in six lan<mii"es and he didn't ,-esent it!" ° "Was English one of the languages?" asked a companion. "Er—no!" , "Xow, Mr. Jones, I don't see how. with your salary, you can afford In smoke such expensive cigars?" remarked the merchant, severely, to one of his

_ "You're right, sir!" responded Jones. "I can't. I ought to have a higger salary."

"Keep out of debt, young man," said the philosopher. "People will thinkbetter of vim for it."

"lYi-haps." was the thoughtful reply; "and yet I've noticed that the more* I owe people the more pleased they always seem to sec me."

. A cabby once entered a "pub," for his midday pint, and left his horse h charge of a small boy. Presently the urchin put his head inside the door and piped: "Hi, mister, your horse has tumbled down!"

"You young beggar," said the cabman, in wrath, "you must have bcc'.i leaning up against him."

The village schoolmaster looked anxious and worried. "What's the matter';" asked the vicar.

•I'm worried about the boys in the upper classes, sir," replied the master. "I've been teaching them how to revive the apparently drowned." "Well, why should that worry you? You could not teach them anything more useful."

"Yes, sir, I know that, but I've already ijaught several of them trying to drown one another in order to practise what they've been taught."

"I hope, yon are not angry with papa for kicking yon, dearest?" "Oh, no; I never pay any attention to what, goes; on behind my back,"

"How many people work in your office?" asked one City man of another.

''Oh, I should say, at a rough guess, about. ,two-t!iinls of them," was the reply,!

■ Sfclllo' (calling to her sister): "I'm going to make some lemonade, Mary. ■Where'is the squeezer?" Mary (in a brown study): "The squeezer? Oh, he hasn't arrived yet; but I'm expecting him any minute."

"Waiter," 6aid u. guest at an hotel as he inspected his bill before leaving, "there is one item omitted." "What litem, sir?" enquired the waiter.' 'I "The manager said 'Good morning' to me yesterday, and lias forgotten to charge,ffiV 1$!" "What broke up the Suffragist par< adc?" ; 1 "A shopkeeper hung out a sign jj. xiounstag 5s allka at Is U%i"