ALLEGED HUMOR.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LII, Issue 133, 3 July 1909, Page 4

ALLEGED HUMOR.

' .* i < First Child: "We've got a now bally U at our house." 1 4 Second Child (contemptuously): jjJ "That's nothing. We've got a new ffi papa at ours." \-4 Bishop (who has "luoked in" nt ruKtj Sunday-scnool): "Sow, children, cIJ any 01 ,\ou tell what is meant by &M. visitation of ( the iiisjiop - /" "it Little Girl (alter a, loug pause|V|' "i'leuse, dr, an affliction sent froi| heaven." Ft' A man had just become engaged mL the widow of a' rich tobacco inanufatffc turer. A friend of his, meeting hii|,B remarked chaflingly: "Halloa, oid man|| I hear you are going to marry thil widow 1" k '-'Yes," ha replied, seriously, "and'thtl weeds, tool" , f

"If .vour mother bought four bmichci of grapes, Ul3 shopkeeper's price beiiid iiincpunce a bunch, how much inouey .vould the purchase cost her!" askeij he now tcaelier.

•;You never can tell," answered Tommy, who was at the head of his' ■lass. "Ma's great at bargaining!"

Hicks: "I owe-you un apology. The ict is, it was raining, and I saw j our}' inbrelln, and supposing you had gidioh .me iur gogd, 1 took it." . 1-

Wicks: "Don't mention it. I owe yu.ll' ,:n apology. You left your new silk! i.at, jou liupw, and wore your old one I As I had 110 umbrella, and as I didn't/ want to wet niy own hat, I put on yours, 'tfoue jou don't mind." i

The storm was raging and the ship off the seaside resort was obviously in peril when the old lady reached the beach. "Can't somebody do something;" she exclaimed. .i

"Its all right," remarked a bystander; "they've sent 'em a. line to comol 'ashore.'

"Gracious me!" exclaimed the lady. •Were they waiting for a formal invitation?"

Lady (to tramp who has accosted her in the street): "So you really tell me! you have given up drink?" Tramp: "Yes, ma'am. Only a week ago I passed twelve public-houses and didn't enter one of them." j

Lady: "Really! The temptation must have been very great." Tramp: "Ycs, : ma'ain; but I wa» locked up in the 'Black Maria.'"

| The following notice is posted conspicuously in a certain newspaper office: "Shut the door, and as sooji as you have done talkin| business serve your mouth the same way." Church': "You say he's in the corn-l producing business!" Gotham: "Yes, indirectly." "I don't understand you.' "Why,- he's a sh> manufacturer." New Tenant: "L#ok here, you'll have to make some alteration in this place. It's not lit for a pijsty." Landlord: "I didn't know you wanted it for ? igsty. Ilthought you wanted it to live :ii." !

The host was 1 one of the newly rich of the vainglorious kind, and he Was explaining to his dinner guests the' cost of the dessert. "This pineapple, for instance, cost me two pounds, and—er— Mr. Jones; can I offer you a slice?" "Yes, sii you may," rejoined Jones. "I will tak j about five shillings' worth. - ' . A prominent man was chaffing a certain town councillor about the doing/' of the counjil,,and saifl: "I'd sooner put up us a candidate tOi a lunatic tsyliim thai put up for v llK> town count il." i

"Well, you'd stand' a much better chance of getting in,'* dryly responded the town councillor-. '

A countriv minister In the course of his visiting! stayed at k house where'a roast chickjen was ircived for dinner. The chicken] looked good to him. - "Well," |he focetiquuly remarked, "hero's' whejre that chfcken enters the ministry." t j "Hope it does better there than in lay work," rejoined the suall boy or tut family, who 1 recognised »n old barnyard retainer. ' l

1. . V In a village church dilr ing,' service ! the organist because tbe j organ-biowef the lever noisily after pi playing. Aj famous preii down from' (London to yki ganist scribjbled a note It ,i nd sent it round by a |1 misunderstanding his ins t into the hands of theTi

iring the mornit was annoyed i kept working pe had finished idler had come leach. The orto the blower, hoi r boy, who, itructions', put preacher. The

note was as kindly stop! people have i not your noi

| follows: "Pi I when I tell tome here to Ise."

rhaps you will you to. The kear my music,

The Waiti ahem!—the ber my sorv

Ir: "Beg pawn, sir, but—vents here usually remem-

Tke Guest I "Do they! charitable ai

(pocketing all the change): ought) to be more d forget tliek" . * • . •!, "■Mildred,"! murtaurcd ai fashionable young iunn, pinking on oie knee, "for your birthday gift I offer-j-myeelf." "Thank yoij," was the eoB reply, "but I only accept useful preßeritsl"

Mr. Mcakii (who is hoarling out for a few days): f'By the way, ifrs. Perkins, I must confess the mutton Kve had for dinner to-dayi is not the kind of meat to which I halve been accustpmed." Mrs. Perkins: "Wery likely not, sir. I alwiz gits the best" . i

A London boy told the teacher that bis sister had the measles. The teacher sent him home and told him to stay there until his sister got well. After he had skipped joyfully away another hoy held up his hand and said: . "Teacher, Jijnray Dolan's sister what's got the measles lives in Leeds."

Mrs. Dearborn: "You say that is Mrs. Burke-Martin r Mrs. Waibasj'.: "V •■. Burke was her name, and Murtin wai her husband's name." I

"But why does she use the hyphen between the names?"

"To show that she's separated from her husband."

"And ye have taken the teetotal pledge, have ye?" asked comebody \>t an 'lrishman. "Indadc I have and r.m not ashamed of it either."

"And did not Paul tell Timothy to take a little wine for his stomach's sake ?"

"So he did, name is not Timothy, and (.here's nothing the matter with my Stomach."

"You must d#hk hot water with your whisky," the i ijjctnr told his patient; "otherwise you Jmstn't take it at all." "But how slss f I get the hot water?" the patient qt fried, plaintively. "My wife won't let n £ have it for the whisky toddy." t "Tell her yo j- want to shave," the doctor said, and flook his departure. _The next da sthe doctor called and •ked the wife How his patient wos., "He's gone rt ving mad," his' wifo -e----plied. "He alun CB every ten minutes.' "I want a v V '■•: ttlu \ soda, hut I don't suppose y m\\ cite to change this flvu-pound noti i" remarked ft wolldress'ed man to a publican. "All right, sir, I'll change it. liere you are, sir," 1 "Ah, that's gAod!" said the customer, when he had swallowed the liquor. "Yes," rejoincH|tiie innkeeper, hastily, "but this notoiU't. This is no gWl!" "Al|/ rospondUl tho customer coolly, ( 'I said you 'wpldn't care to change HI" J "Are you goiig to make a flower-bed here, Judkins?'! asked a young lady of the gardener. -I "Yes, mum; them's the borders," answered the gardener , "Why, it'll quite spoil our tennisgroundl"

"Can't help ,it, (mum; y uir pa's borders; lie says as he'll hev it laid out for 'orticultur,' iiofc for 'ushandry," \ The Banker's 1 Kvife: "Give W a lonn of your handketchief, John.'M The Banker (lybsent-mindcdty) i "Wait a bit. What security have you got to offer?" \

"Do you like a brass band?"'he asked, as they were listening to the\music in (he park. j ) "Oh, yes," sin) said; "a brass', band is very nice, but J think I would rather have a gold oneL" 1 He: "What wiuidyou say, darting, if I told yon that,tou can,never be faiine?" She "I shou sav, pet. that V\e got a nice bundle o» 'letter* that VfWM help to make it expeiujw& to ymf , f \