ALLEGED HUMOR.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LII, Issue 127, 26 June 1909, Page 4

ALLEGED HUMOR.

"Have you any alarm clocks?" enquired the customer of a jeweller recently. , , • i ••Us, ma'am," suid tke muu beliniu the counter. "Abuut whul price do you wish to pay for one?" •■The price is no object if 1 can got the kind I'm after. W u.U 1 want is one that will ruuse the girl without wakug tlie whole family." "1 duu'f know of any such alarm clocks as that, ma'am," said the man. "Wu keep just the ordinary kind- Ihe kind that will wake llic whole fumilj without disturbing the girl."

.Long after midnight the Suburban man sat on his front slup listening l» the dismal howls of a identic.* ennui''. •'Awful racket!" contimsitcd a big policeman sauntering up the street. '•Terrible!" agreed the man on Hi" steps. "Wonder you don't make u complaint." '•Well, I'm just waiting. "May I ask what you are waiting "Certainly! I am waiting to Hud out if that is my dog or my neighbor'* dog. If it is my dog-well, you know, wo all have to put up with unseemly uoltf'isometimes; but if it's my neighbor's dug —confound me if I don't shoot hiinl

He was verv deferential, but he wan a deacon in the church, und he felt that he had a right to criticise. "I hope you'll pardon me," he s'aid. "if I suggest that your sermons are—ah " "Too prosy, I suppose?" suggested the minister. "Oh, no; not that. But too long.' "But you mustn't blame me for that," returned the minister, pleasantly. "If you knew a little more I wouldn't have to tell you'so much."

"If I were younger," said the rich old man, "I believe I might win you for my wife." "Yes," replied the cold _ beauty, dreamily considering his sixty-five years; "or, s'ay, fifteen years older."

Mrs. C: "Good morning, Bridget. I Hope your master and mistress have not forgotten that they're, coming to dine with ine to-night." Cook: "Indade, and they've not; they've ordered a good hearty meal at home at six o'clock."

Small Girl: "Why doesn't baby taik, father?" •

■ Father: "He can't talk yet, dear. Young balbies never do." Small Girl: "Oh, yes, they do. Job did. Nurse read to me out of the Bible how Job cursed the day he was born I".

Little Johnnie, who had been praying for some months for God to send iiim a baby brother, finally became discouraged. "I don't believe God has any more little boys to send," he told his mother, "and I'm going to stop it." Early one morning not long after this he was taken into his mother's room ' o see twin boys, who had arrived in the night. Johnnie regarded them thoughtfully for some minutes. "Golly," he .remarked, finally, "it's a good thing I stopped praying when I did."

"Before you were married you aaid you'd lay down your life for me," she sobbed.

, "T know it," lie returned, solemnly; "but this confounded flat is .so tiny that there's no place to lay anything down." A friend was once talking to a crazy woman when a stingy man passed by. "l)o you see that man!" she said, with a cunning smile. "You could blow his soul through a humming-bird's hill into a mosquito's eye 1 and the mosquito wouldn't wink."

John Bright used to tell how a barber who was cutting his hair once said to him; "You 'ave a large 'ead, sir; it is a good thing to 'ave a large 'ead, for a large 'ead means a large brain, and a large brain is the most us'eful thing a man can 'ave, as it nourishes the roots of the 'air."

.The guest glanced up and down the bill of fare without enthusiasm.

"Oh, well," he decided, Unally, "you may bring me a dozen fried oysters." The waiter became all apologies. "Very sorry, sir, but we're out of all slielliish 'oeplin' heggs." '

Archbishop Ryan once concluded a brilliant defence of the Irish cause, when a listener shouted: "But the Irish are guilty of treason." "Perhaps," replied the Archbishop; "but please remember that what is treason elsewhere becomes reason in Ireland because of the absentee (absent 't')."

A loving husband' once waited on a physician to ask him to prescribe for nis wile's eves, which were very painful.

"Let her wash them," said the doctor, "every morning with a small glass of brandy."

A few weeks later the doctor met the husband. "Well, my friend," he said, "did your wife follow my advice?"

"Shu has done all she could to do it," replied the husband, "but she never could get the glass higher than her mouth."

Miss Gillet: "So there is a tablet in your transept to her memory. Did she do anything to bring people into the church'!"

Mrs. Perry: "Well, she wore a new hat every Sunday for three years."

Father (who is always trying to teach his son how to act while at the table): "Well, John, j.ou sec, when I have finished eating I always leave the table." John: "Yes, sir, and that is about all you do leave."

Trotter: "During my travels in Italy I was captured, bound, and gagged by 'bandits."

Miss Homer: "How romantic! Were they anything like the bandits in the opera!"

Trotter: "No, indeed; the gags the used were all new."

A gentleman called the other day at the post office of a county town to uplift ii five-shilling pension "for an old-age pensioner. The beneficiary was unabie to sign her name, and the clerk informed the gentleman that he must make a cross for her and sign his name under it. He immediately complied, remarking at the same time: "I suppose this is a case of 'No cross. no crown.'" * » * "Moike!" "What is it, Pat?" "Shupposin' Oi was to have a fit?" "Yis." "And yez had a pint of whisky!" "Yis." "Would yez kneel down and put the bottle to me lips?" "Oi would not." "Yez wouldn't!" "No; I could bring v ez to yourself quicker by standing up in front of viv. and drinkin' it mcself!" "Your tickets were complimentary, were they not!" "W.eiy replied the man who had seen a painfully amateur entertainment, "1 thought they were until I saw the show." Caruso, the groat opera singer, tells of a (ady's-inaid's artless criticism of an aiipitour singer whose methods were of the strained order. The maid was brushing her mistress's hair when she mentioned that she hail heard Miss Bird sine in the pavlo r the night before. "And how did yon like it!" asked the mistress.

"Ob. mum," answered the maid, "it wuz beautiful! She sung just a« if she wuz gargling!"

A retired naval chaplain became roctor of an English' country parish. On one occasion his parishioners, wishing to give him a surprise, bought a flag" for the church tower. When the rector saw it hoisted on tire tower he at once ordered it to lie taken down. On being asked his reason for doing so. he indignantly answered: "Allow that Hag to 'lly over my church? Never! Do you 'know what that particular Hag signifies'? 'ln distress; want a pilot!'"

"Mother's compliments," said n youngster to 11 hutchw who keeps a shop in "a hiisv sulmvlmn thoroughfare, '•; in' she's spilt me tn show you tlm liijr hone brought, with the niece of lieef this morning." "Tell your mother next time 1 kills a lmllock without bones in it I'll make, her a present of n joint," said the mini of meat, with a grin. "Mother's compliments." continued the hoy, "and she savs next time you find a hit of sirloin with a shoulder of mutton bono in it she'd like to buy the whole carcase as a curiosity."