ALLEGED HUMOR.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LII, Issue 121, 19 June 1909, Page 3

ALLEGED HUMOR.

First Doctor: "This is a most myslivioils'case. I can't make anything out of it."

Sncond Doctor: "Hasn't the patient any money I''

"1 think from the utensils about him (hat lliin 111 iiitiiuy must have been an Egyptian plumber." "li wouul he interesting to bring him back to life."

"But too risky. Who's going to pay him for his time!"

For sheer simplicity of phrase and conception few have surpassed that delightful old lady who, with a shrewd twinkle in her eye, enquired whether " 'soda-water' should he written as' two separate words, or if there should be a siphon between thorn?"

Kind Friend: "Hiimpeclc, let me introduce you to Professor Glass, the great hypnotist, who can put anyone to sleep within two minutes after starting." Henpeck: "Glad to meet you, Professor. Come, let me introduce vou to my wife."

In .'. miuiug village not far from Glasgow a niiner had met with an accident, and before the doctor arrived he fainted. When the doctor came he examined the injured man, and ordered him a glass' of brandy. 1 After the miner had revived, the docI tor asked him if he felt better.

The answer was: "I ken naethin' o' yer skill; but, man, you order grand medicine!"

| A new physician in a small town got ■himself into a serious predicament soon after his arrival hy his inability to remember names and people. One day, while making out a patient's recipe, his visitor's name completely escaped him. But nut wishing to appear forgetful, and thinking to get a due. lie asked her whether she 'spelled her ilium' with an "e" or an "i."

'The lady blushed ami replied "Why doctor, my name is Hill."

Lady in touring car beckons to pedestrian: "Will you kindly do me a small favor, sir?" "Certainly, madam."

then please stand in the middle of the highway and let me see how quickly 1 run stop mv car without hitting yoil Ijii afraid this brake is'out of order"

An overdressed woman was (alkin" to an acquaintance.

, \es, she said, "since John enme into us money we have a nice country house, horses, cows, pigs, and hens." "That must be charming," remarked the other; "you can have all the fresh eggs you want."

"Oh. well," replied the first lady "of course the hens can lay if they like to. hut 111 our position it isn't a t all neW sary."

"I once had a most peculiar case," said a celebrated oculist. "Every time this patient started to read he would read double No, he was a sober man!" 'loo r fellow!" remarked the listener, it must have interfered sadly with his progress 111 the world."

at all," responded the oculist. "A gas company gave him a lucrative posthe went about checking the meters'"

Three witnesses - a Frenchman, a. Dutchman, and an Irishman-were asked tor their definitions as to what constituted a gentleman.

,"A gentleman."' said the Frenchman famil - 1 "" 1 " th ' lt hBS llve COUnU in hii

,"Xo," said the Dutchman, "a gentleman is a man that neve,- gives pain to his fellow-creatures." at asU you to come in, that gets out the whisky and tells yon to help yourwhile you re doing it!"

A black pastor in a church in Texas got a. present of an umbrella fom hi congregation, but the following S nday someone stole it. "wmii} lnJ l 'li, > " St< "','! iJ noa ' no «- who stole it, ut when addressing the congregation esai he knew who took it, but I did not wish to expose the thief before the throw t over his garden wall that nMit he would say no more about it. Me was surprised the following morni"g when he could not open his Lack door for umbrellas.

Tar: "On my last voyage I SiUV , vav ,, 3 one hundred feet high!" Spar: "I've been a sailor forty vcars and never seen 'em over forty" ' hiiw'r " PV T "° U liut everything io higher now than it used to he, mate""

'■Look here" exclaimed the angr, man. as bo rushed into the estate »,it on.ee, ■•that plot 1 bought om v of 1 U-n h.yis thirty feet umior wute}°" > suit with each plot lln " ■ """" \o you to-day" ' Wl " Se " (1 y° ms l.cfor°. *? ~0 ? U) ". VS , •'«'> studied, the dav S^a^oF^ ***» h * *vi.h,g how was Matthias chosen V he "^^ttt^^^atever

,'"">• ihe Englishman led w itb «T . th7ixcri;i ie,UheYa,ike "'i«. the companv n , '"f "* » nr Pri* »> ."•;»■ «'id mc own 1 ,„, , S "' ',. J an t«'<™ from a place J^W5> S ' lUmt » lri w« i o^t c ri 4 gst^ out °f often heJrd ,e " HV nS „V' f aTO E °

"ten U " ,i i"'' ,i *-''«»*r«--iir?» 1 "'Mould say am If '""'.v I can a) „.., . "';, ,fl "w over any. '^-'MiyJ.X^^^^'^.rethAv

'»"dsof , poe,,n, 0 4/;;.j. ()t^ s! the last ° r shoot hiiii?" '"""'''' D " 1 thp - v I - V,,eh Ili «i

i ' i^'' l -. Jr in , i,i S Ji : 11 hd" ,^a ' ;pr ' ™ s « « ioy for ever \'"Jn }*"" ly - if " ol S| »veyi„g wit i „ m,.h '\ °" tlln '"»t"r hea-se ,i ' r''." 10 a « loi 'iOUs .*'::Svs'S|S,,„ t ,

'°»e cold wi.it,.,-'. " •* ... wintei* morminr at davlnvil. ■l«-"iun*,:,ir l '"'" " l; " * mn ll "'t i« l«> "•\i.'l ban | | ..,,,,1 i„ ~ ~ , will, :| .... ".; ~ .! " Iht ,|>c ' '•'•Pl'<'<l -lick. f'-"»l the do" i. r'''^' * |U "' 1 IJ "'l«'lt .ifct the drop" '" '"' lmlll "l '0

Hotel Manager (to (1 win, , as t ,|. , , "'' I'o Hie man K»i'-r is ,„ , ; ", rl,m,|! '" n "' «'"cf„|to„ on, , '"'"n-ow. Me

im' l 'il'lrv , , l r l, ! , |*- VO,l ™ n " w ""»" "'ill' ■.lli> o three pounds „ Wl , o i. .....

•■Vou have s ,ved „,v ij,',,,.. „.. li(| „ , i"!ii.Ti;" , o r t3 , l !: ,, r i;r".!r" : "' ** >-!;;-•„,.,,. ,„vda,H„^i; o ;™"'" 1:; ,V:J::;:';;;;;:;-;; i; .fihed,,,,gi,ter. ( hen ii|^.,(! ,r ; .yo,,doingr" i :ke,lthe P e, ''<!o.ng to drop v on i„ agniu."