ALLEGED HUMOR.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LII, Issue 115, 12 June 1909, Page 4

ALLEGED HUMOR.

. "Sad about the church organ being burned down, wasn't it?" "Why couldn't they put it out? "Because none of Hie firemen could p!»y on it!" t fried: "ATy dear Dora, let this thought coniole you for your lover's death. he m»H*Wtliat'oth*r and 'better men than he J»ve gone the same way? "Bereaved One: "They hav.it a'. gone, have 'they.?"

Mm. Brown (to the new luaidl: We I Jaw*, I Kope we shall get ah' v ■'.; nicely; I'm not at all dillieult to ,■ ca-e. • -JUMt: "So, mum, that's just ..aiu 1 JMagbt the very niinuie I set :. Un oh the master."

"How do you do, sare!" said a Frenchnan to an English acquaintance. "Bather poorly, thank you," answered he otter. - Thy, my dear sare," said the Frenchmw, "«m't th»nk we ior your illness; l <*Mt«t "*'? i y Tflißiy: "What is a retainer, pa?" ' M JKMainer, my son, is the money peoffe,pay to ua lawyers before we can iotkf. work." "Oljij I see. It's like those slot gas mtttia. The people have to pay their nosey hcifore they get any gas."

An old woman i was pTofusc in her fMtiinde to a magistrate who had disVhaed a Charge Drought against her. "I thought Jou wouldn't .be 'aid on we yonr vrorehip," she remarked as she iU the dock; "1 know 'ow often a kind '«rt beftto be'ind a ugly •face!"

. Two Osfofd students were one day riding along a country Toad. Thinking te get some fun out of a country fellow •whom they met, one of them said to him:

"My man, we will iprove that you are « horse."

"I dunoo %out that." replied the witty rustic, 'tart 1 can prove as your saddle be » mule." .

"How can you do that?" they queried. ■" "Well, it's "something ibetween an 'orso SB' an eat."

"toot chap! Everything he earns goes on his wifes tack." "Well, rf you had seen her at the opera.you wouldn't think he earned nurea.''"

' Dolly: "Wo had to practise Ctopin for three hours to-day, mamma!" .' Mrs. Parvenoo: ''Really, my dear,

sboppin' is all very 'well, but your papa '» sent you to the' ladies' Jiarademy to leara music an' that sort o' thing!" • # * "Only think," exclaimed Eendersoh, "of the many uses to which paper is not put!" "I know," replied Xoodlcby. "I was at the theatre the other night, and I was told it was all .paper. And it was a fine, substantial-looking structure, too."

Chaplain: "Whiit brought you here!" Prisoner: "Youth, sir," Chaiplain: "Youth! Why, you look to he fifty if a day!"' Prisoner: "I'm past that. • It was the youth of my kwjwrthat did it."

Kret Burglar: "Halloa, Jim! Why, you look as if you had been in a railway accident since I saw you last. What's wrong!" Second Burglar: "I got into a house where the woman was w'aitiu' up for her husband, and she mistook me for hhn.»

Canvasser: "Are you single?" Alan at the door: "Yes." "Why, the people next door told me you were married."

''So I am." "Yet you told me just now you were iuudei" , . "Yes, so I did;"

"Well, what is the matter with you'/" '"Nothing, sir. My name is Single, and -118 married. Good day, sir." . ,-Mr.;Booker Washington, at a meeting in New Yorjc.ttttended by Mr. Taft, told -« atoiy which is likely to cling to the '- partly President. An old negress cook in the Soutit, who had cooked a delicious dintier for Mr. Taft during hie recent ffcit, was asked if she did not feel great- ; %'; hbnored at cooking for such a great BIJMI. . '

"Maty, ftpiied: aoae heerd ob him ibefor. Mow nrjthfn' afoout him except he do ( Jook as if he had been reg'lar at his meals.".

- . 'JX'i 'ike to write some verses for your paper. What kind of poetrv do "you ... prefer!" ... * TOe Editor: "Typewritten, short, and paid for at advertising rates."

' ''l understand that Buzzer expressed trtat regret when hU motor-oar hit tftjtt ladjr the other day." •'Yes,- indeed. He broke one of \m Me\y bras* lamps.".

■" .. She: "Jack told me that that hospital -• was built entirely at his expense. Is it * possible r ; He: "Well, Jack's uncle cut him olf L--*#« * hundred pounds, and left the ~ iest 61 'his money to build the hospital."

Shopkeeper: "Is there anvthing else lean send you, sir? What"would you say to a piece' •of this cheese?" Ctoatomer: "I wouldn't care to sav anytMng to it. It might answer me DHPK.

"Yes," said,a retired insurance a"ont to his friend, -I „ ilC e got - man to take out a ten thousand -founds life insurf^/ 01, 7 . onl . v «'<■ <iav before he was kilW and it-{„ok a lot of coaxin« lo I do It." °

Vord," replied the friend -'that -.' was roujrh on the company. I'expect you wished your persuasive' powers had net been so successful!" '-H'm! Xo," said the agent; "vou see I married the widow." " '

What utlie matter with the service tins afternoon?"' asked the angrv manager of the telephone exchange' "The town is in a tumult, and every sub- • wnber has a complaint." "It can't he avoided." explained a sub. ordinate, calmly. '-The mornin* minors announced that a man bv the name of -bmith had lwen injured in a tram smash.-As a rClil]lt) tyery Smith js telephoning to every other Smith to i earn if the Smith who was hurt wis lira Smith."

One day on a general's .slate j„ »„„,„. shire a man came to him for work ■ ta replied, the genera!, "an to mv . bailiff and lie will give vou a spud- and 1 Sl*"* 3 ' - vou slite "" shillings a week " A. J ?i nk ? eav , n >" *M«-ed the man. devoutly, "I <,,„•! (ell y„„ honv ra „c], I " »nt obliged to you." The man disappeared, and in a few 'lays tune the general observed written On his gate, the following words- ••r ) „ 'sSs«e!k" OT ™ k l ™' tecau - >"«

U ■" , I ' ri * l,t flltur< -' '"-'for" tlittnaS boy who, when asked why i,e M 4 not gone to selroo] on the previous Ai.v, replied thatlie had read j!, knik-- ! LB u * s*ful men usually *t*rted life without educational advan tfgee, and that be was giving the thing • » » "What are you doing here?" said the jronian to the tramp, who had ant over the wa I just i„ ti me to e 3C ape the ibull■l J.i • i*"! 1 - " ,c *ith dignity, I djil intend to request wmiethiV to fat; l»ut all I u.k now i, that, in the reterests of humanity, .vou'll feed that

"Didn't jcui «nv <,, x months ~„„ that rf Jlbb Porritt wouldn't many vo „ v .,u Mrf Jttrt of the ~,v Xow Jri>s , )oi ! r . t( •»< ret y„„ ],,„,„,, .. ..,,, ~.. M - av an «.,' V,"' '." l ' te " V °" "'* ""tsucl, o^l^;la;> a^rto,,n,,^<k ' , •''- t P i ''■ t \ father, Mn> llirdie'" Birdie: -i |,.,- 0 awr met hrai, Ibut J believe 1,,'. ,\-'., modest, umnsnminsr .ort of mn. •' r,L %:*** m M,. i " R ~.ht yonnV'' I '-o„e' ■ te bml of n„ idea how „„rst on ts-t LtKa \ ih ' n wk *n I tc" vim he A-J, ( rtoufrjiaviiijjf me for a go n.» Vo More Instalments.-After half-an > .v'i; nt 7 r l T e ' niram w*i™iv spoio ' rSI «L <£ " in ' m - v r<!S i , ' l ' <>l;3 ln , ' lEI rJ • TearV comc ncxt August, . aint r -1 es. mdeed. Hiram." was the tremn on, reply <Whv!» "Well, ail *°.\ l \" «"»t T'm .lurno.l t,» lttst,ll ment plan." "So'in ! '•' f*ni Salh i