ALLEGED HUMOR.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LII, Issue 104, 29 May 1909, Page 4

ALLEGED HUMOR.

AXD -SO OX. Blis mother was secretary of the Vote ior No Men Club. Consei|Urntly lit; wa a neglected child. "Vilmt," !«• asked n casual caller, win had conic to n.sk wllclll'T till! boy': mother would apeak next Thui'Mlav <>i "Who Are the Mothers of Our Cliil dron?"—"what doce e. t. e. mean'" ''Oh," said the caller, "etc. is an abbreviation. It is Latin. It stands foi 'et cetera.'" The little boy still looked puzzled. "Et ectera," explained the ealle*, '■means—well, it means, 'and so on.'" !Ui« little hoy was thoughtful for a moment. "1 wish," he said at lenjjth, "my mamma could find time to take my l>anl.s ot cetera the buttons', then!"

WILAT Till-: HALMA-MAX DID. Tile dear, white-.haireil old veteran, who fondly imagined his audience was reposing implicit faith in his veracity, proceeded with the recitation of his military monstrosities. "1 recolleck," said he, "havin 1 one of th e most excitin' times of my life -it the Battle of Halma. 1 was alone—the last Britisher on the field of battle—an' the enemy was pursuin' me with cries it 'ltd curdle your raarror to 'ear the echo of! Bullets was showerin' by me like rain, cannons roared like a thun-1 derstonn; and there was t. Jack Junket, alone, at the mercy ot the Kooshiansl" I The dear old veteran paused. . "Well," said a listoner, "what did vou do?"

"Do?" answered the old follow, "1 did a mile in four minutes!"

I ROCKED IN THE CRADLE OF THE DUE]'. ft was a very small boat and a very large skipper, and, consequently, whenever the skipper skipped, the boat skipped also-that is to say, when he listed to port, it listed to port; and when he listed to starboard, it did likewis*.

Jones, on an Easter jaunt, sat, palefaced, on a deck-chair, trying to cat a hot-cross bun. The hot-cross bun, however, did not appear to -want to lie eaten. Every time Jones was about to take a nibble the ship gave a lurch, and the bun "did a bunk." At last he could stand it no longer. "Captain," he called up to where the skipper was promenading on his decK, 'for goodness' sake, keep still until 1 get rid of this bun!"

THE COLLARING KIND. Miriam Hurbottle was'n't in it with her, and poor Xantippc turned in her grave at the reports of Mrs. Bruiser ol Tottenham. Mr. Alfred Bruiser, KK.G.K, never spoke a,bout her, poor man; but if he had—my word! It was in Steal and Eob's, the famous gentlemen's hosiers, that Mrs. B. met her Waterloo.

"I want sonic collars and neckties for my husband!" she snapped. "Yes, madam." Sl? t c l ork offl)l ' ed hw tnß tmW What aze arc these?" asked the

,'% twelve and a-half, madam'" i..r» 6 " e "" ;th m von gnces that'" Afc, replied the clerk, smiling, gentlemen who let their wives select and ties always take that * t » TRACED BY A PHOTOGRAPH t was just a wee bit o' a post office, not a hundred miles from Choir-em! Basaich, M 3. and the postmaster's ITrei 3 J ' UUOi ' and his hair

Smith WHsot London-very much soand his walking tour in the Tghlands of "Ay,mon there is: but 'oo can I ken body r- replied tne l^ Smith dived into his breastpocket. Jire s a picture of me, yer silly ~le codger! Ain't that me'" ' Sandy scratched his head; . <•>«', ay, that's richt—that's richr 1 ™pp i o^ llenmtterediandl , i ,;-KJ

~ , FOUND OUT. Jn'«^^ktiiings'r" w, ' s '''"'*""• " IIOW ,irc ;'" • W '.v, .what li'you jthink? I n't" <"t'ti l l'- ,or found ,i n ," s E™ 11 " 1 j " st y et >»"'! round 1,,,,, „„ t i T1 , ~ f^rawlf ound l,in, out also jj « ? lealled on-tho butcher, and f he was,, tout, too! Splendiferous I„,k

mo tell ng von yesterday how 1 called «n n,,- tartar to tfll him I wouldn't Stt£ TIIU WRONti HOfSE. , « was ~t -Milton's cotta-,. ■>{ .].,.? ;°nt st. «n M . ,„„! t i„, ,i r tS( , v;; •»'»«.' "hmvji over, "'-"'""'ri were '■This." said the guide, ,;„ )lis (i , . , An American in the crowd reverently bentdow,, uiid kissed it uull "«y !, )e ,r" d H ' is '" said «"> PMo, "I, hi.

;}«">;> ,«'<-■ guide refused, .liseou "Milton." replied the guide "»r, T hou'lnt 01 ' 1 '" 1 "'" "W A"'"i--upton!"thon«,,t y° u "*"■■ Wkin S about

over. So he went ~ - , !!'l ,( ' m ' o to th, (•„„ , f?T a] " f € " W 4iven w '"' >Io od da el ß ,f' m ' W,mt " rat V" v£L-S-^&, and got talkie ' w "4- tho, »,m l '!' am " r > l,,e "- v <" '»» stiffs nol allowed!"' ""'• Tts ">V''ll ''■" said Jinks. . "Well, f „-as rather taken aback, w' m a,n,n,,,,,r g rf ped lhv p , )n(li ; a ; ( ;!^ M.e glared a ,,d then we both tool 1 me. ,nto the road, and there was the Poodle, running along hv the side of e ''Vflur oigm-i" reniie,] ., hlks -No, its tongue!" said Binke.

"How about the rent of this house of yours, Jones'? Doesn't the landlord ask a good deal for it?" "Yes; he often asks five and six times a quarter for it.'' "Don't you think," said the young man. "that literature is in a state o! decline?" ( "Unquestionably,'.' replied the othe-. 'lt's in a chronic state of decline—with thanks." Young ■Mother: "Don't vou think ba'bv very much like hw father?" Lady Visitor: "Yes. I do. But don't ivorry. He may grow out of ft,'-"-