ALLEGED HUMOR.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LII, Issue 98, 22 May 1909, Page 4

ALLEGED HUMOR.

ASKING THE DOCTUII. A story is told of a lady who, though' quite comfortably oU', hated to j>uy doctors their hard-earned fees. When hei iMenus wciv ill she gencrall} to get a copy »l the invalid's prescriplion, and accumulated in time quite a respectable eulleetion of unfailing cured. The recent changeable weather gave the lady a heavy cold which none of her stored-up remedies would lv.ieve, so she decided 'to visit a friend whose husband was a doctor. Arrived at the house, she found the doctor in his wife's drawingroom. "My dear doctor," she said, in her most insinuating manner, "what do you do when you have an obstinate cough!" The doctor seemed for a moment 01 two to be lost in thouglit; then, suddenly looking full at his visitor, he replied, tersely, "I cough." •

UNREMITTING SYMPATHY. In a wild dash to catch his train a belated suburbanite went leaping up the stairs only to reach the .platform just as the gates were slammed shut and the train began to move. Panting violently, and watching the departing train for a moment, he finally sought to elicit a little sympathy or comfort from a bystander, who happened to be a German. Assuming an air of indifference, he murmured good-naturedly, "I don't quite ; iiake it. "Make vot?" enquired the German, who, apparently, had not noticed anything unusual. "That train." "Vy did you vant to make it ven it vas made alretty?" "No, I mean I was too late to get aboard." "Vot for you vant a board?" "No, not that; I wanted to lake that .rain."

"How coot you took it ven so many hat it alretty!" "No, no, no" (excitedly); "I mean I wanted to ride on that train, but didn't get here soon enough." Just then the tierman's- train pulled up at the station, and as he stepped aboard he was heard to reply: "Dot vos coo bad; but how vas it any of my businvss'i" THE DEADLY I'.S. "Harry, low," exclaimed Mrs. Knowall to her husband, on his return one eve-i----ing from the ollice, "1 have b-been dreadully insulted!" "Insufted!" exclaimed Harry, love. "By whom?'' "15-by your m-mothcr." answered the young wife, bursting into tears. "My mother, Flora? Nonsense! She's miles away on a visit to poor Tom!" Flora dried her tears.

' "I'll tell you all about it, Harry, love,'' she s'aid. "A letter came to you this morning, addressed in your mother's writing, so, of course, I—l opened it." "Of" course," repeated Harry, love, dryly. "It —is '«as written to you all the way through. Do you understand?" '"l understand. But where does the usult come in';"

"It—it came in the p-p-postscript," ..■ried the wife, bursting into fresh floods 'of briny. "It s-said: 'P.P.P.S.—D-dear Flora, d-don't f-fail to give this 1-letter to Harry. I w-want him to have it.'" HEARD NO COMPLAINTS. I A wealthy gentleman living iu a. Xorth Devon village, who took a great interest n the church, offered to give the choir i treat, and decided on the really princely one of taking them for a week to ■'uris. This he did, escorting them while j there to all the places of interest and beauty in that charming city; but not 'luring the whole of their stay, or even I )n their return, did one of the men say r'to him that they had liked the trip ov ijlad enjoyed themselves. Naturally anxious to know whether .'they had done so, a few days after their l.eturn he asked one of the churchwardens, a farmer in the village, whether he thought the meii had enjoyed their time in Paris. The churchwarden cogitated for a moment or two.

"Well, sir," he said at length, "I ain't heard no complaints."

A TERRIBLE EPIDEMIC. At ton o'clock the cashier j-.i a certain establishment was seized with inllueiiza. At noon the bookkeeper gasped and cob lapsed. Both men were sent home in. a cab, mid the crippled establishment was left to get along as well as it could in .ucli unforeseen circumstances'. At 1.30 the typist announced that he must- (o and put bin feet into hot mater, Or liis dissolution would follow. He was given permission to save his life. At two o'clock tihe three clerks succumbed together; they attributed the attack to wine fish of Which they had incautiously partaken. The proprietor was now left alone, save for the .presVnce of one sina'l ollico-boy. Presently hi' arose and put on his hat with a determined air.

"Tommy." he said, "I think you and I had 'better go and see that football match, too!"

John Snobbins. the cobbler, recently christened his establishment '•The Boot Hospital."' A customer of a kindred lightsome, spirit brought him a pair of boots which would have disgraced a gouty tramp. "Shouldn't 'ave these mended if I wns you," said Snobbins. severely. "I would present 'em to the deservin' poor." "But I want them mended." was the rcplv. "This is supposed to be a hospital for'boots', isn't it!" "Yes. it's a 'ospltal uTI right enough; but it ain't a mortuary!"

Tommy: "Teacher, may I go out io sneeze?" Teacher: "That isunueorssary,Tommy. You can sneeze in here, without disturbing anybody." Tommy: "1 expect you never heard me sneeze." 'T was very angry just now when Blocker asked' me for £■"> that I owed him." "Hut why did you get angry?'' "1 found it much easier to gel angry than to pay."

"Your honor." said a lawyer to the judge, "every man who knows me knows that 1 am iiieapahlp of lending myself to a mean caus'e."

"True." said the opponent; "the learned gentleman never lends himself to a mean cause:,be always gets ensh down."

Mother (to a married daughter): "What's the matter, Clara? Why are you crying?" Clara: "Henry is so alwfully cruel—li' is getting woise and worse every day. What do you think he said just now? He told me that I must get rid of the cook; he couldn't stand her cooking anv longer. And he knows well emmfh that she has not done one bit of eookjng 'for a fortnight, and that I have done it all myself."

One of the wives' of a Mormon coining downstairs one morning met the physician who was attending her husband. "Is he very ill?" she asked, anxiously. "lie is." replied the physician. "I fear th" end is not far oil'."

"Do you think." she asked. "I should ho .at his bedside during his last mo incuts?" "Yes. But 1 advko von to hiirrv. The best places are already being taken."

I A negro pastor was warming up to tin climax of his sermon, and his auditor were waxing more and more excited. '1 walrus yev, 0 my- congregashun." ex claimed the exhnrler—"T ' wahus yer against de sin uv fisrlrlln'; I wahns yer against de sin nv drinkin' and de sin uv chicken-robliin'. and I wailins yer, niv livedilern. against de sin uv melon steal in'."

A devout iworshipuer in the rear r»f the church jumped to his feel and snapped his lingers excitedly.

"WliulTn does ver. mv broildcr, r'ur lin an' stum yo' finger- when T sneaks uv lueb'-i-stealiu"'" ."<kcd the preacher. "Kaze you jc-t 'minds me whar 1 left in'ili overcoat." renlieil Hie devout worshipper as lie hurried off

| Lndv; "So vou have been ruined and ■brnnirhr lo P'is 1»- v.uir wife?" AVnlkiii" Tourist (usual brandl: "Yes'm. I f'.mi.l Yr l.liree g»«d jobs. but Vr i..v.i.l..ni'e "ml independence l"-' 1 >,- the lot of '."il!"

'•'How ...re ten. old m:\ii--f " i; ng well!" "Do you reallv care a rap!'' ""Not :i vi". 1 merely a-l.cd out of politeness, which 1 see was ipiiie thrown away."

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| Simkiiw! "Voi.' wif ■is ccvtoinlv on* | snot-en. isn't .'be?" Timkin-: "N T ot tint 1 know of. ' nevey met anvoii'e who e'nnlil ontsnoo'-