ALLEGED HUMOR.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LII, Issue 93, 15 May 1909, Page 4

ALLEGED HUMOR.

WHAT TllliV WliUli DUINU. There is a Government ollielul in Wellington to whom an unnecessary or inane question in as u red to n bull. Last summer lie made his usual trip l" Europe. On the first day out from -Stw York he was strolling on the promenade deck when suddenly tlieru appeared before liim a mail whom he had not seen for years. . . ',

"\Vliy, Professor!" cxclaimvil the man. "To nu't't jou of all men! Are you going across'!" "Yes!" growled the professor. ''Are your' > ■ #

PHICE OF DISOBEDIENCE

The greatest financiers in the world, the Rothschilds, exact the strictest obedience to orders from their employees. "They onee hud all agent here." a New Orleans man recently said to a reporter for the Picayune, "a line fellow. , , ••They telegraphed to this agent at a certain' season to sell their cotton holdings, lml he knew the price would (jO hHier. and therefore he didn't sell till lour davs later. la consequence he netted an extra prulit of lorly thousand dollars to his linn.

proudly what he had done, they reill"- a visit to the same household, brou-'ht with him a silk hat of the •■When he sent the Kolhschilds the money, and announced joyously and shine', non-collapsible kind. When he turned the whole amount, .with a eold note that ran:

■•■ The forty thousand dollars you made by disobeying our instructions is not ours, but yours 1 . 'Jake it. .Mr. Monk, your successor, sails for New Orleans to-day.'"

FROM A FORTItCOAUXU NOVEL. Panic-stricken, we saw that our little uirl>oat, in which we had endeavored to escape from the wreck of the airship, was rapidly filling with atmosphere. "Bail her out!" shouted Corkney.

And all through the night wc dipped out the air with our lmU and iluug it back into the sky.

L'OOlt UNCLE ED.

A Baltimore man was recently showing his nit'o new opera hat to his little nephew, aml when lie eaus'cd the tojipieee to spring open three or four times the .youngster .was delighted. A'few days thereafter, the until;, durwas ulxiut'to leave the house, he encountered the aforesaid youngster running down the hall with what looked lik ( . a Wack accordeon. "Uncle Ed," observed the hoy, "this one goes awfully hard. 1 had to sit on it, but even then I couldn't get it more than half shut."

Ardent Sportsman: "I think that bird'U come down, John, don't you?" John: "Aye, 1 reckon he will—when he's hungry." '•Ah. Klsie, it is line to be married to an olHcer—fcueli a beautiful uniform, and so many decorations!" "Yes, and', besides that, he'll have a band at his funeral."

A lady entered a well-known bank and presented u crossed cheque to one of the "pay" clerks. '"l'm sorry I cannot pay this across) the counter," he said, politely. "Oh, shall I come round that side?" replied th L . lady.

Passenger: "I suppose you've had Rome hairbreadth escapes during your seafaring career?" Mate: "Yes, indeed! I was nearly drowned once."

Passenger: "You don't s'ay! How did it occur?"

Mate: "[ went to sleep in the bath and forgot to turn off the water."

lie was out .with his best girl, and as they strolled into the West Knil restaurant he tried to put on an T-do-this-every-cvening kind of look. When they were seated at si table a waiter approached them.

"Will monsieur have a la carte or table d'hote?" he asked.

"Both," said th,. young man, "and put plenty of gravy on 'em."

"Where are you off to in such a hurry?" "To the doctor for my husband." "What's up -with him?" "He tells me ho has got hepatitis, <lyVpepsia, rheumatism, enteritis, gastritis, appendicitis, nephritis, and cerebrospinal meningitis." '•Holy terrors! Where did he get all that?"'

"Why. a man induced him to buy a medical dictionary, and he's just begua reading it."

l''air Customer (who has joined the Suffragettes and been elected president of the Women's Equal Nights Club): "What on earth makes' o ggs, so high

Grocer: "Scarcity, niiiin." Fair Customer: "Rut why are they *o scarce';'' Grocer: "I don't know for sure, mum, but they do say that hens nowadays is actin' quite queer—struttin' around and growin' big combs an' spurs, an' tryin' to learn to crow, mum."

Lady (to new milkman): "Now, Mr. Jones, I hope 1 can rely on the purity of your milk. I had to give tip Mr Smith because his milk became twothirds water." Mr. .loiici-: "Yon can rely on this, mum. Tt's bin paralysed by' the public anarchist."

Polite Youth: "You acti'd awfully well, don't you know." She: "The audience didn't Scorn to think «o. They did not applaud a bit when I came olt the stage." Polite Youth: "Oh. hut I'm sure they were awfully pleased."

Miss Ingenue: "Aunty, what is that blue ribbon the tall gentleman on the platform is wearing across bis breast 1" Anntv: "That? Oh, that's his Garter."

Miss Ingenue: "Garter! Oh. dear! what a funny place to wear it! Why, I wear mine "

Aunty: "Hush, darling!

A story is told that when a Int.Archbishop of Canterbury was elite*taining at Unibcth the colonial bishons who had conic over for the. Fan-Angli-can Conference, it was suggested to the Primate, as the bishops were retiring to bed. that some of them might lie smoker.-. His Grace at once gave orders, lo have the housekeeper's room prepared, and asked his domestic chaplain to inform the guests that there Was ,i room a I their disposal to smoke in. The chaplain, so runs the tale, knocked at twelve doors, and discovered twelve bishops each on bis knees—and each smoking up tile chimney!

"What caused the separation?" ''Oh. he thought, as much of himself as she thought of herself, and as little of her as s'lie did of him."

Husband: "I suppose you realise that was pure luxury. Why. then, did you buy it* You must have known that we couldn't all'ord it." Wife: "Of course T did. Hut. you see. my dear, if it had been a necessity, we would have had '.o get. it anyway."

One winter's evening, when a wider inspector was going |,i„ round, he stopped at o.ie of the mains ill n, busy street to turn oil' the water owing to some repairs, lie had jus'l put the handle on the tap and begun turning when a hand was placed un his shim! der. Looking round, he was confronted by a tipsy gentlemen, who said, in a drunken tone: "So V have found you at last, have I? li's von that's turning the street round, is it?"

A slorv i-, told of a iliine'i-pai'lv given by llishop Jackson at l-'iilluim Palace, which was attended by Liddon and t< youthful niece. After diir.ier lh,. Bishop, talking if the canon's conversational charms', asked her what they talked about in the evenings at home. "Cats." was the reply. '•Oh. yes." snid the Bishop, "we all know Canon Liddon'* affection for cats: hut he can't talk every nigh, and all night about them. What docs he talk about when he is not discussing cats';" "Bishops." answered the niece.

Here is ~ eharaeleristic Cordon story. I Tile Commander-in-Chief was one day inspecting a certain battery constructed under War Ollice snnorvision. and. as a 1 matter of course, turned to fliirilon. the local conininndanl. saving: "A good battery ihis. verc good: docs yon every j credit." The ,-eplv was unexiiecled but charaelerislie: "I had nothing i„ do with it. sir! it was built regardless of mv oniuioii. and ]' entirely disapprove of it!" '