ALLEGED HUMOR.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LII, Issue 87, 8 May 1909, Page 4

ALLEGED HUMOR.

THE "DUNCE" SCORED. A rural schoolmaster was one day greatly annoyed by not getting satisfactory answers to the question he put. to one of the schoolbovs. At last he called the dunce to the front, and, handing hirii twopence, said, "Here's some money; away you go and buy some brains." The master fell rather small when the boy turned round with the query, "And will I tell thc shopkeeper they're for you?" • • » A POSER FOR THE JUDGE, A colored woman was brought before a West Virginia magistrate charged with inhuman treatment of her child. Evidence was clear that she had severely beaten the youngster, who was in court to exhibit his marks and bruises. Before imposing sentence the magistrate asked the woman if she bad anything to say. "Kin Ah ask Yo' lloiiah a question?" His Honor nodded. "Well, then, Yo' Honali, I'd like to ask yo' whether yo' was ever the parent oi a pull'ekly wuthless culled jhile?" Instructing the new girl:— "Egg-spoons, Annie! Egg-spoons! When you lay eggs, always lay spoons loo!" ' ' I Beggar: "Kind sir, give mc a penny

1 I for my two children." j| Kind Sir: "That isn't clear, certainly, i but I don't think I'll take them; I have . four already at home." 'I "Excuse nie," said the new barber, '_ , when Mr. McGargle was' seated in Urn chair, ''but have vou a mug here?" j "Oi hev." replied McGarglc. "Yc'll I find it at thc top av me neck, ferninst , th' uae kav me head." :i s "Fair Patient: "1 feel quite worn out, doctor. The incessant ringing of those church bells has got on my nerves!" Doctor (young ana Hibernian): "Osh, shure an' we'll remedy that! I'll have v straw laid down in the street." t "Aifil is this man to conic into court u with unblushing footsteps, with the n cloak of hypocrisy in his mouth, and to draw fifteen bullocks out of my client's J pocket with impunity!" asked a barc ris'lcr, c There was no reply. r Excited Individual: "Is this where they swear people?" Commissioner for Oaths: "Yes, sir; j, what can 1 do for you?" , Excited Individual: "I want to take ~ an oath never to put down another care I >el '" , „ , ' 0 A young chap from the country went ( l to see a pantomime for the first time. B The start was greatly delayed, and he .' grew impatient. At last the orchestra ■' appeared and began to play. Soon after- ,. wards the curtain rose. ■ "Ah!" said the country chap, slapping 1( j his knees, "I knew that nois'c would wake 'em up." n [ "Dear me." said the kind-hearted I, pedestrian, pausing and putting on his .. pince-nez. "have vou fallen through that ■ s ; coalhole?" B "Not at all." replied thc man, who was y still endeavoring to extricate a leg from ',5 the hole, smiling winningiy. "As you seem interested in (he matter I will tell , you wihal happened. I chanced to be in !Jj here, and they built thc pavement round I ""''" , » . c . "Doe-. -Mr-. I'.'i, husband command a ,„ g««il salary?" n "He earns a good salary. Sh e com- .., mauds it." ' Rings': "Yes; they thought I was poi--10 soncd, and the doctor came with bis stomach pump." ,15 Wiimp: "Did he get anything out of re - vou? " |. Bings: "Yes; ten shillings." 1) A prominent man called to condole i. with it lady on the death of her husband, ii- and concluded by saying: il.. "Did he leave you much?" "Nearly every night," was the reply. When a Scotsman answers a question ,n he settles the matter in dispute once for ly all. On a certain occasion the question a- was asked: it "Why was Mary Queen of Scots born at Linlithgow?" i.V Sandv Ker r promptly answered: toii. cause her mithcr was staying there -, ui and there actually seemed to be nothing - moi'e to be said on the subject. ir -V couiiii'vinaii on holiday in London entered a first-class restaurant and or•d ilered a lamb chop. After a long delay, in the waiter returned with a chop of miid criscopical •proportions. "I say," called e- the customer, "I ordered a chop." •■"Yes. sir: there it is." :c The diner leaned down. "Ah, so it is. s. lie replied, peering at it closely. "I id thought it was a crack in the plate." ~r "nut Ido not like the candidate," said Ii an old Yorkshire farmer who was apix pealed to for his vote. "But ymi know his father'?' "Yes; 1 know him, and he's a grand i- man." !,. "Then you will surely vote for his son, won't von?" ,a But the old farmer was still doubtful. 1- "I'm no so sure about that," he reif plied; "it's no every coo that has a eanff ). like hersel'." it .lones made an engagement with a ,| lndv to lake her for a drive. The ap,t pointed day came, but at t!i c livery ,v stable all the horses were out except ~ one old. shaky, exceedingly gaunt beast. Mr. -lones hired it, and'drove to his ~. friend's residence. The lady kept him r waiting nearly an hour, and then on reviewing the shabby outfit flatly refused .'. to accompany him. ~ "Why," she exclaimed, "that horse v may die of old age any moment." 0 "Madam," Jones replied, "when I ara rived that horse was a prancing young [. colt." 9 "Whatever made you make Brackins a present of a pocket-comb? He's as ~ bald as a billiard-ball." „' "That's just it. I want to make him .. think T never noticed it." p "Your neighbor Cohen appears to have f failed a good many times." ii ".lust twenty-four limes. The next will be his silver bankruptcy." „ Husband: "Vou must marry again, .. deai'cnt. when I am gone, and thai will , be verv soon." Wife: "Nil, Edward. No one will .marry an old woman like me. You ought to have died ten years ago for that." . "You must let tile baby .have one cow's milk to drink every day," said the doctor. "Very well, if you say so, doctor," said Hie perplexed young mother; "but s I really don't 6 ee how he is going to hold 1 It all." i » * * In a certain 'Northumbrian village a ' gentleman walked into the post office 1 and asked for a penny stamp. On being supplied he brought a letter from his • pocket to put the stamp on. I "You should go to the door and put ' your slump on," -said the postmistress. I "Beg pardon, ina'ain. but I got the! ■ stamp to put on the letter, nol on thai • door."

"Yes." said the traveller, "my wife's mother was the most admirable housekeeper that ever lived. Poor soul, she was eaten by cannibals in Africa." "You don't mean it ?" "Alas! it's true. Why. when the savages had thrust her into thc cauldron, and .-be was beginning (o cook, she cried out faintly with her last breath: 'Don't forget the salt and pepper!'"

"\ on want a job. do yon, young man'."' asked tlii- manager of the great drapery esiablis.hnicnt. "Yes. sir." "Are yiiii willing to begin at the foot of the judder:-' "\o. sir!" exclaimed Ihe applicant. "That's the way my father began twenty-live years ago. 'and he's still carrying the hod." So the manager, who hadn't encountered that type of lioy before, put him iu thc packing department on the (op floor.