ALLEGED HUMOR.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LII, Issue 81, 1 May 1909, Page 4

ALLEGED HUMOR.

POOR SANDY. The young Scotchman never liked his mother-in-law, and this weighed heavily on the mind of his wife, who was ill. Calling her husband to her bedside, she said to him: , "Sandy, lad, I'm varra ill, and 1 think I'm gang, to dee, and before 1 dee I want you to g'ie me a promise." , "I'll promise," said Sandy. "What is "Weel, I ken that when I dee I'll have a fine funeral, and I want you to ride up in front in a carriage wi' my mother. "Weel," sadly responded Sandy. "I've gied ye my 'word an' it's nae me that's gang'baek on that; but I'll tell ye one thing, yo've spoilt the day for nic." ' A NEW SWEETMEAT. At a recent fancy-dress ball for children great fun was caused during one of the dances by the antics of a fat Jiddler, who suddenly ceased playing and glared after a wee maiden dancing in a set of quadrilles. "What's the matter with you, Scraper!" bellowed the leader. 2 "Dropped my resin." "Well, never mind, do on playing; vou'U get it presently." | "Go on playin' be hanged," came the reply. "My resin'll be done afore the set. Queen Mary down there 'as picked it up and given 'alf on it to 'Amlet, an' they're catiii' it!" UNCERTAIN. The secretary of one of the college classes at Princeton, in sending out each year a list of questions to be answered by members of the class, in order that the results may be duly tabulated and set forth in the university annual, is said always to include in his list this question: "Are vou engaged?" It would'seem that one of the members was a little doubtful in this respect, for in the blank space given over to the query mentioned he made his return as follows: — "Do not know. Am awaiting letter/ • * * THE SECRET OF SUCCESS. The motto of success 'was given in this tale, told at a banquet:— . A Swede among the miners in the West was noted for always striking paydirt. His fellows thought that there must be some secret to the unusual success of the Swede, and questioned him as to how he always succeeded in finding \he spot where the gold cropped out. "Veil, Ay don't know ef Ay can tell anytang ''bout dat," answered Ole. "Ay ! only know dat Ay yust keep on diggin'." THE AUTHOR'S PASS. > Francis Wilson 'was speaking at the ' Players' Club not long ago of the prcva-; ' lent ignorance of dramatic literature in ' the country to-day. ! "Why," said Mr.' Wilson, "a company ! was playing '.She Stoops to Conquer" in r a small Western town last winter when ' a man without any money, wishing to " sec the show, stepped up to the box ' office and said: ' " 'Pass mc in, please.' "The box office man gave a loud, harsh fc laugh. ; "'Pass you in? What for!'he asked. "The applicant drew himself up and answered haughtily: 3 '"What for! Why, because lam t Oliver Goldsmith, author of the play.' } " 'Oh, I :beg your pardon, sir,' replied a the other, in a meek voice, as he hur- I s ricdly wrote an order for a box." ! c # * * 9 n A gentleman wrote to an Irish paper the other day asking if the editor could !- tell him some way of preventing bleede ing at the nose. i. "The best way to prevent bleeding at y the nose," replied the editor, "is to keep n your nose out of other people's busi- :- aess." d Bob: "Why, there goes Turfwood, the I ! chap who used to lose 60 much on the v races. He is dressed up like a prince." t Jack: "Yes. He is married now, and s his wife gave him a tip on the races; it is one he can't lo6e on." '„ Bob: "Indeed! Ana. what was it!" a Jack: "Why, a tip to keep away." -, * * * [• First Seaman: "I say, Bill, wot's this ' card!" K Second Seaman: "That's the saloon I passengers' menu, of course." "But wot does it mean?" j' "Oh, it's a list of all the things they , '■ have for dinner—soup and fish and vege- j i tables and meat. That's the difference » between the saloon and the forecastle; i they get them all separately and call it ' a menu. In the forecastle we get them ■ II altogether and call it Irish slew." j Fiction is stranger than truth, in, spite • s of the proverb. Here is a striking ex-1 ; . ample of the contrast between "the way v it is in books" and real life. In the. ',. books this is the method used: | "Outside the wind moaned unceasingly, . its voice now that of a child which sobs „ to itself in the night, now 'that of a , 0 woman who suffers her great pain alone,. as women have suffered since life began, (1 as women must suffer till life wears to , s its iwoary end. And mingled with the 1 wailing of the wind, rain fell, fell ]f heavily, intermittently, like tears wrung j >' from souls of strong men." In real life we simply say: Is "It's raining." o Large Lady (alighting at her Kensington residence- and giving cabby double | is fare): "I'm afraid I've given you a lot of trouble!" Cabby (politely): "Not n ,-. bit, mum. I like a fare wot steadies t- the cab." -e( Old Mr. Flaherty was „ general favorite in the little town where he lived, in The donor was away all one summer, it and did not hear of tlie old man's death, 's Soon after his return he met Miss s, Fla'herty and enquired about the family, ending 'with: "Ami |,ow is your father it standing the heat ?" Clerk: "But you just bought this novel ly and paid for it." Customer: "Yes." j- Clerk: "Then why do you wish to ex1c change it?" Customer:'"! read it while re waiting for my change." <s A'lgy: "Myrtle, what are your objections to marrying me!'' Myrtle: "1 linv,, ?r only one objection, Algy. I'd have to it live with you." lg Mr. Taft is a huge man—in physk'il e- bulk as well as in eharacier—and he is t- as active as he is large. When he was Is fiovemor of the Hiilippines, and Mr. ,-c Root was War Secretary, the following st exchange of cable iiipssaues took place between them: —"Rode forty miles oil r- horseback. Feeling line." was Mr. Tuft's 1 re message to Mr. Root. "(Had vou are. feeling lit," Mr. Root answered! "How j :•,' is Ihe horse!" Stubli: "Whal's the trouble with the | ;s writer's husband? He looks aueiy io enough to chew lacks." Penn: "And he ic is. She dedicated her lalesl hook 10l him." 'Stubb: "Gracious! ] .ihould cond- shier that a compliment." I'eir.i: "Not e. if vou knew the title of (he book. It id is 'Wild Animals I Have Met." The congregation of a little kirk in ; lit the Highlands was greatly disturbed ic. and mystilled by (he appearance in ils ig, midst of an old English lady who made ry use of an enr-lrmnpel. during the seri_v inon- such an instrument bcim? entii'elr unknown i;i Hie.-,, simple purls. There was much discussion of the matter, and ne it was dually decided (lint one of the n- elders—who had great local reputation re as a man of parts—should be deputed to is- settle the question. On Hip next Sa.hry bath the unconscious offender n«nin ig. mnde her appearance, and affiiin proin- dnced the trumpe*. whereupon tlr* ,v,' chosen older vise from his seat and eu inarched down the aisle to where the oh: ik- lady sal. and. , ( .nl real ing her with an ice upraised finger, said stonily: "The first ke'toot—ye're out!"