ALLEGED HUMOR.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LII, Issue 75, 24 April 1909, Page 3

ALLEGED HUMOR.

J ALL THE SAME TO FATHER. '•C'oimi here, Bates!" roared l)r. lligwig. head and oply master of the I ramtoil village school. "1 have to-day received a —ahem! —a letter from Mr. Johnson informing me that his son is unable to attend school in consequence of a Ihru-liiug you yesterday inflicted upon him. Is this a fact, Bales';' "No-n-no, sir!" quailed Bates. "I never touched 'ini!" But Dr. Bigwig did not believe. And two minutes later Bate* was asking lor permission to stand tip in class, the benches being of wood, Ou the following day Jolmson_ returned, and Dr. Bigwig sought justification of his act before the whole class, "Did you tell your father that Bates thrashed youv" he asked,

"No, sir!" piped the youth. The master's countenance clouded. "But your father wrote to me saying that Bates did it!" he thundered. "I know 'e did!" snivelled -lohnson. "II were liilly I.'caucliamp did il. sir; but father couldn't spell Beuuchaiup, so he wrote Bates.''

SOME -NEW EPIGRAMS. It's all very well to be up with the lark; but a man who keeps such hours should be in bed with the fowls. Half the things we own in this world give us pleasure because we may show them to others and ask for admiration when so doing. Don't grow old on any account, It is an unpardonable sin. Xevcr trust an after-dinner judgment, especially one concerning women. 1 am always in purgatory when 1 see a pretty woman and have not the honor of her acquaintance. l'aclits grow old very quickly, . . , and, like women, wheil they grow old they grow obstinate. A man who goes into action with the lights of his own house before him is already a candidate for the ambulance waggon,—From "Wheels of Anarchy," by Max l'emberton.

JUDGE OF PORK. The Mayor of Snapton hail consented personally to examine the scholars of the Snapton Preparatory School in general knowledge, and proceeded thither with all the pomp and circumstance pertaining to his office. 'Having attained to his present position from the humble calling of a pork butcher, he was somewhat proud of his position. '•What," was the first question he asked the class, "is the meaning of the letters 'J.P.' you see so often placed after the name of a mayor?" He beamed importantly for several minutes, while the class looked perplexed. Then one small boy raised his hand. "All!" said the mayor, "I'm glad someone knows. Well, young man, and what is the answer?" "Judge of pork," answered the youth. It was the innocent look upon iiis face that alone saved his bacon. He could scarcely have been rasher.

''Jabez is gettin' used to public speakin', ain't lie?" "Oh, yes. I remember when you Could hardly get him to stand up, an' now you can hardly get him to sit; down."

Boston: "Didn't 1 see you giving a policeman a ride ill your automobile the other morning'/" Slathers: "It may have looked that way to you. but the 'policeman was giving me a ride," "This." said the dear girl, ns she led the way into a secluded little nook in the conservatory, "is what papa calls his 'matchbox.' Everybody conies in here to propose." "Spare me a copper, sir?" "It seems to me you are more in want of manners than money, my man." "Well, I arst ycr for what I ..thort you could spare best, gnv-nor." "Judge,'' said the colored witness, "I'm hungry now. I been ti'lliu' de truth for two hours." "Is that the longest time .Vou over told it?" "Yes, suh, an' it's had me sweatin'."

Wiggs: *So you believe in signs, eh? Well, when a man is always making new friends what is it a sign off" Wagg: "It is generally a sign that his old friends are up to hi* dodges."

"My boy/' said a baker to a Scottish laddie who complained of the quality of hits pies. "I jnade pies before you were born." "Ay," said the youngster sadly, ''this is ane o f them." "Am I to understand, sir. that you had the auda:itv 10 propose to my daughter? What have you to say to that?" "Nothing, >ir. except that your daughter fond the impudence to accept me."

"JYhen our distillery was on lire." ran a whisky advertisement, "we took no steps to put it out. It shall never be said that we ever put water in our whiskv."

Younger Member of the <>ld Firm freeing Niagara Kails for the first time): "My poy, tink vot a vaste. JIV ve coult only put it hi our vindowl Vot an advertisement for our vaterproof overcoats!"

Miss Romantic: "What a lovely morning! How resplendent the bright orb of day hangs in the blue vault above!" Mr, "Matterafact: "Y-a-a-:-:; nice day for a feller to get his lmir cut."

New Tenant: ''Look hen\ yon 1 )] have to make some alteration in this place. It's not. fit for a pigsty." Landlord: "I didn't know you wanted it for a pigsty. I thought you wanted it to live in." The Minister; "Mackintosh. why dmi't yon come to church now?*' .Mackinto-.li: "For three reasons, sir. Firstly. 1 diima like ver theology: secondly. I ilinna like ver sinjiin': anil thirdly, it was in your kirk I first met my wife." "The time will come." cried the Nut* tcrsea Socialist orator, "when the laboring man will have the wealthy under) his feet. And what will happen tlien?"| "He'll l»e walking on his upper--," eauie . a voice from the crowd. I Canvasser (to lady of tliu house):. "Can you tell me, my dear madam, whether your husband is Liberal or Conservative ?" "Oh, well." said the lady. | "when he's with Liberals he's a Liberal, and when he's with Conservatives he's ( a Conservative." "Yes. but—between ourselves—wat is he at home?'' "Oh. ut | home! lie's a perfect nuisance." ! As a gentleman was having his luncheon in the cofi'ee-room of a Hirming ham hotel he was much annoyed by another visitor, who during the whole of the meal stood with his back to the fire warming himself and watching him par-! take of his repast. At length, unaldc to endure it any longer, lie rang the hvll :and said: "Waiter, kindly turn that I gentleman round; 1 think lu? is done on ! that side." | j lUull'ton: "I said something to my ■ J wife la>st week that offended her, and jslio hasn't spoken to me .-bee then.-' iJlonpeek: "Oreat Scot, man! You can't j remember what it was. can you?'' j' Maud: "You say .Jack once proposed to you. I don't believe it. He said T| {was the only woman he ever loved." j Ethel: '"Yes. dear, hut he didn't cla«s me (among women. JJe used to eall me his I angel.*' | Tourist (jo Irish guide): "There's a memorial stofie there. Pat. What does | that commemorate?" Pat: ''SJljire. sur, - that's a stone 1 erecti'd myself, f erected • it on the spot whore a kind English (gentleman gave me a live-pound note." Husband (at 11 p.m.): '.'Well, goud|night, you fellows; i am going honie to la vegetarian supper.'' '"Vegetarian mi|>I per, eh!" said one of the company. ( '\Vhat do you menu hy (hat?'' "Weil, ,111 V wife said that if I wasn't home by j ten o'clock slu> woultj give me hcuns.'' I ci r cannot why my second | husband is so fastidious." confessed a '(ilasgow lady to her hosom friend. ''Tie scarcely eats anything. My first husband. who died, used to put everything 1 cooked for him." "Did you tell your I husband that*" ''Ye*.'' "Perhaps that's tthe reason."

The steamer was going to lona. mid as she rounded the Island of Mull she began to rock a little. 'TTave you sometimes worse gales than this?" asked an old lady of a deck hand. "Oh. yes, mum," was the reply. "I've seen it that bad that the paint all blown off the bulwarks, and two men had to hold on the captain's hat, and all his hair was blown off at the sides. That was a storm for you now. muMlf r A young doctor who had lately started

practice In a country town hit upon a: capital plan for advertising himself. TTe went to church regularly, hut in the ( middle of the service someone came in ,and called him out. This happened three time*, lmt on the third occasion the minister got even with him. ITc, stopped Hhe service and sqid; I'l see that someone is in groat danger, since Dr. Dolus | has been called to see him. Before Dr. Bolus quits the building, let us unite in pravor on behalf of his unfortunate patient." • "My friends.' 1 said a teirtpcrnnce lecturer, lowering his voice to an impressive at the bottom of tliu sea, what would be the resultV* And the answer came: "Lots of pooplo would get drowned,' 1