STORIETTES.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LII, Issue 64, 10 April 1909, Page 4

STORIETTES.

TAKING UIANC-HS WITH A liL'XUll. ''ls it true that nuiiiy of these ilor111011s have kiLf-a-duzeu wives eaeh?'' asked a visitor to Salt hake City of n policeman who was stationed near the Temple. "Sure," >a id the policeman. "Well, will you kindly lull mu why on earth ft man wants to marry half-a-dozen wives?" "I dunno," hJiid the policeman, "unless lie thinks that mebbe he can yet a good one out of the bunch." A sailor enters a livery .stable to hive a horse for the day, to take some ■frieuds into the country. The proprietor has one brought out for inspection, and b.'gin*.': "There's a beauty for you! Small head, elean leg*, short back" "Short back be blowed! 1 'We want one with a long back. It's to carry nine!" Hall Caine, hi hid recollection*, *ays that Kossetti was fond of good hlorie>, and was particularly amused by one of a man near to d/alh, to whom the clergyman eanie and slid. "Dear Iru'iid. do you know who died to save you?" "Uh, meeaister, moeuister." r»aid the dying man, "is this a lime fur conundrums!" Josiah Quincy, the prominent lioslon .'politician, was walking near the city hall, when he heard an Iri«s!i laborer accost another thus: '"That's Josiah Quincy." "An' who's Josiah Quincy Y" the other asked. "1 never nee ?>uch ignorance," rejoined the other, "lie's the grandson 01 the statue you see in the yard." This, concerning the letter of tin: law: "See here, Mr, Casey," said Tat to the tax assessor," "shoiv and ye know the goat isn't worth eight dollars." "'Oi'm sorry," responded Casey, "but that is the law." Producing a book, he read the following passage; "All property butting on Front Street should be taxed at the rate of two dollars per foot." Three-year-old Norris j* fond of the* Twenty-third Psalm, sometimes repeating it instead of his regular evening prayer. Last autumn the name of the successful Presidential candidate -was ofteu heard at the dinner-table, and Xorris unconsciously fell into the habit 'of rendering one passage? of the Psalm in this reassuring fashion: "Thy rod and thy Tuft they comfort me."

A summer visitor who was trying a horse, the property of a .New Hampshire farmer, with a view to buying him, noticed that after driving a few miles the animal pulled very hard, requiring a. lirm hand and constant watching. "Do you think tlris i* just the horse for a lady to drive';" he enquired .doubtfully. "Well," answered the owner, with an air of groat candour, "1 must Ray I shouldn't really want to be the husband of the woman who could drive that horse."

Lord Esher, who, when president oi the Court .of Appeal, used to keep up a running firv of "cliall" on learned counsel, sometimes got a Koland for his Oliver—as when a young barrister, in the course of argument, stated that no reasonable person could- doubt one particular proposition. "But I doubt it very much," said the Judge. The youthful advocate, not one whit abashed, replied, "I said no reasonable person, my lord." The „M'a>ter of the Rolls eouid only gasp, "Proceed, sir. proceed."

A Itaston painter who died not lon# ago wan a broken-down wreck iit hilater days. Some feeling «»l" pride and shame clung to Jiiin to tile last, however, ami although he- lived upon the charity of his friends, he never a.sked for money outright. In the crown of hi.s hat lie pasted this request, "Mease •lend me a quarter," printed in big. staring letters. When making a tall ho \voul<t doll' his hat with much «ho\v of dignity, and there would be the mute appeal* utaring in the fai-e his intended victim. The scheme never jailed. j

liufi'alo Bill, who says that with hard work a man should live to be a centenarian, talked, at a reunion of Kansas cavalrymen, about straight shooting. "Jt is hard work to learn to be a good ,shot," lie said. '"We Americans are Abetter shots tha*i moat,'' he continued. "A French prince visited me on my I rnnch once, and we -went out after birds. I came back 'with a full "bag, but when I asked the prince what he had killed 'he -said proudly: "Of ze bairds, none; zey are too diflieiie; but of ze vlld cows and calves, 1 'ave nine ovair ze 'ill."

A New Yorker who luul just returned from the Cobalt district in Canada was deeply impressed 'with tile rejiorl he heard; ,of u fashionable wedding ill the buck country. Two inhabitants met on tin 1 train and took the scat next to his. "Ah, Autoi-.ie," one of them exclaimed, "eef you 'ave li'oniy lieeu at ,d«ea wedding 'of Pierre Coubcrtin an' Enrilie La Koclic you shall nevaire forget hcein. So gentill ,So mooch luxury! H'every one so 'uppy an' ho grand ail' line! Tlieenk of eet, Antoim —h'every one wear d'o Prince h'Albert pants air' dreeiik de real ginger ale!" Believing with .Solomon that to spare the rod is to spoil the child, all earnest parent keeps in a certain closet a leather strap, with which Ire administers punishment to his oll'upriag when they commit .audi misdemeanour. A few days ago lie had occasion to need the strap, but it was found missing from its usual place, and a thorough search «f the entire flat bailed to discover il. Then lie oll'ered a_ reward of five w,its to whosoever of hi»' olive branches could tell him what had' become of the lost article. "Gimme the nickel.'" cried four-year-old licit; -1 [know where it is." When the coin was safely stowed away in hits trousers pocket lie said, 'with .much pride, "J frowed it down the air-shaft,"

Young ministers sometimes say some very irreverent things when first they get in harness, but seldom are so broadly condemnatory as the young clergyman who wan called upon to act as chaplain at the opening of a recent term of court in Maine. After covering everything he could think of as appropriate to say, he closed his prayer wi Lh tlie supplication, "And, iiiiallv, may we all be gathered in the happy iand where there are no courts, 110 lawyers, and 110 judges." Then they changed chaplains.

On a west-hound train scheduled for a long trip a very large, muscular man ii'cll iinlcep and annoyed all the passengers liy siuiriii'.r treniemUnudy. Heading, conversation. or ipiiet rest was an impossibility. I'i.iidly, a drummer, carrying half a lemon in his hand, tiptoed ■over tu « little boy who -at behind tile snorer. '•Son," said the drummer, impressively, "J. am a doctor, anil if that •imiu doesn't stop snoring he'll die of apoplexy. AViiU'ln your elianee, anil as soon as Ills mouth opens a little wider lean over and squeeze this lemon into it."

■Mark Twain hat* a rooted dUlike for conceiLuil people, and a good .story is told of how Ik- once snubbed a couple .of young folows who were "putting on sidu" in a Xew York restaurant. Mark Twain whs sitting at the next table to these "gentlemen," and their haughty remarks caused him a great deal of annoyance. At last one of them Munitioned a waiter, and in a commanding •tone gave an order ior some oysters. -rAliiid you toll the chef who they aiv !it Or," he added. "Yes/' drawled tin.' ■other, "better tell him my name, too, tio as to be certain thai everything is «ll right." Presently a waiter parsed (Mark Twain's table, and the fainou* (humorist called him to his >ide. "I •say," he exclaimed, imitating' the young ■fellow's drawl 10 perfection. "bring el dozen oysters, will you?-and winder my name to each ol' them, so as lo make Mire it s all right."

]Jou;se-ow)irr:"You failed to pay your rent last mouth. What are you going do do about it?" Tenant: "Oh. 1 <upipose I'll do as you said when I reated •it!" UouH'-owner: "What did I >i\yf' Tenant: "You said I must pay in adVance or not at all.*' ''All, my love," sighed the ardent .lover, ,! if you only knew how beautiful ■you are!" "'You mustn't *peak of it." (protested the modest girl: "I dmi'l want •to know." "Why not?' "HeeaUM\" she •said, "it would make me ton coucciU'd." "What would you do ii T were to ■offer you work?" '"ft 'ud be all right, hnister." answered Meandering "Mike: • <{ l kin take a joke as well as anybody!" I Tie: "Nothing eould ever come between us,could it..dear?" She: ''l enii't think of n single thing, unless I should Uiappen to lyeeomo engaged to sOlllO 'other man before we get married."