WIT AND HUMOR.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LII, Issue 59, 3 April 1909, Page 4

WIT AND HUMOR.

Tliv. woman cmaiicipatiouUt had tackled Llie -serene old bachelor, and was reading the ltiot Act to iiim in null a - dozen dilfereut places at once. He *4uirwed occasionally, but he retained lus serenity. "Have j mi ever done any thing for the i emancipation of woman, I'd like to I know?' she naid, coming down the homestretch. I "indeed, I have, madam," lie smiled. "J. have rcniaiiicd u bachelor." Judge: "You are chaiged with burglary. How do you plead'!'" i'lisoner: '\Noi guilty, botis; an' I'll tell yo' why. In de mst place de ehickeneoop (loan wu/.n't eben locked] ill de jji'uon' place dar wuz no burglar-alarm; in de third place dar wuz no bu.ldog; aa' in de l'ourf place dar wuz no btcei irap-s, Now ilai ain't* burglary et all, bo.ss; dat jes' simply fiudin' chickens, an' 1 lea be it to yo'self." "Look here," r>aid tile guest. "things around here are just about as rotten aii they make them. When I went to lunch 10-<luy I found hair in the ice-creum, hair iu the honey, and hair iti the apple sauce." "Well,"' exclaimed th-' genial proprietor, "the hair in the ice-cream cam-' iront the shaving Oi the ice. And 1 suppose the hair in the honey canic oil' the comb. Hut 1 ilou't understand about thj hair in the apple sauce. I bought those apples myself, and every one was a JJaldwin." Uodrick: "Ureal cicol! lias Bilkina lost hih mind';" Van Albert: "1 don't think do. Why? ,f Kodriek: "Just look at the illumination iu hi* house. He had had every gas-jet burning all day long." Van Albert: '"Oh, that's just a little scheme Jiilkius has to increase liis gasbill this month. J lib wife is coming back to-morrow, and lie told her he had been remaining at home and reading every night hince she went away. If she looked at the. gas-bill and found it to be only half-a-erowu lie would be asked for an explanation." Customer: "1 would like some butter, please." .New Assistant (late of cigar store): ".Medium, mild, uv strong?'' They were out motoring, and he bid Reliance to all police-traps. "We're going at lifty miles an hour-" lie isaid. "Are you brave?" She (swallowing another pint of dust): "Yes. dear. I'm full of grit." A gentleman wa»j p»t out of patience by some blunder of his new groom. "Look here!" he cried in his anger; 41 1 won't have things done iu this way. Pa you think I'm a fool?" ''Shure, sorr," isaid the. grooin, Oi can't .say, sorr. Oi only came here yesterday." '•What can 1 do/' roared the fiery orato r in J-lydc itak, during a recent demonstration, "when I -see my country going to ruin, when 1 «ee our oppressors' hand* at our throats strangling us, and the black clouds of hopelessness aiul despair gathering on the horizon to ■obliterate the golden sun o't prosperity? What, I ask, whut can I do?" "Sit down!" shouted the audience. "Look here, young man," said the prospective father-in-law, "wheu you are married will you keep a wine-cellar?' "Ob, well," aiiid tin* young man, a litt-e uncertain how to take this, "in case of illness, you know, we will keep comethill"' in the house." "Very good," isaid the old gentleman ;■ '■you may expert me to eall twiee a week to be taken ill."

A little girl in Cambridge was very naughty one day. She waa so biul thai,, other corrections failing, her nvothei took her tq Jier room to whip her. During this proceeding the little girl s brother opened tile door and wtis about to enter. But i« her prone position jK'rosn her mother's knee the little gill twisted around her head and said, bo verely: , , '■Eddie, go out! Can't you see we re Father (gruffly): "<-let away from the lire. Toininv. The weather isn't cold. Tommy:' "Well, I'm not warmni' the weathei;.' I'm warinin' my hands." "Why do you always go out on to the balcony when I begin to sing'; Can t you bear to listen to me?" asked a Kingston ladv last Saturday. 'it i-oVt that, but 1 don't want ilv: neighbors to take me for a wife-beater." Doctor (.to patient): "Vour ca.se is a very serious one, sir. and I think a consultation had better b<» held.'' Patient (too ill to care for anything). "Very well, doctor, have as many accomplices as you like."

A well-known judge on circuit oncv complained that hi' could nut hear in certain court, ami ssnil to one of the responsible ollieials: "The acoustics are execrable!" "Kuallv, my lord/' was the reply, "you surprise me. 1 cau'i huh.* II anything!" The pantomime in a provincial town - hail fallen very Hat icnd the manager was extremely anxious not to lotse an opportunity of infusing energy into his cast. Comedian: "I can't go Oil for a minute, sir. I feel funny.*' ! .Manager: Great .Scot, man! ■ Uo on at om.it and make the most of it while it lasts!" A schoolmaster was one day greatly I annoyed by not getting satiisiactory an-. .swers to the questions lie put to one of the schoolboys. At last Hie called the I dunce to the front and, handing him twopence, said, "llere'-s some money; away you go and buy some brains." Tiie master felt rather small when the boy turned round with thi» t;uery, "Anil will I tell the shopkeeper they're for you?" Mr*. Xewlywed: 'T told my husband last night that my love, waft growing cold because he paid so little attention to me." Mrs. Old wed: "What did lie say to that";'' Mi>. Xewlywed: "Merely grunted and went on r eading his newspaper. Then 1 told him the soil)) was growing cold." Mrs. Oldwed: "What happened then*" Mrs. Xewlywed: "lie jumped up and asked me why in thunder 1 didn't sav before that ili;:n.-r was ready!" Indignant ArtUt (after rather (Severe criticism): "You talk about a picture! Why, man. you never naintod one. How on earth do you expect to know oner.' Candid Friend: "l*ut. my dear friend. J know a bad egg when I see it, and 1 never laid one!'' . Invalid Husband: "Did the doctor say i was to take all that medicine?'' Wife: "Yes., dear." Invalid Husband: "Why. there's enough there to kill a donkey!" Wife (anxioiuly): "Then you'd better not take all of it, .John!'' She was not quite the charmer she imagined herself, and her pride received quite a knock-out the other slight. "The man 1 marry," she said, "must be one who alwav* think* before he speak-.'' "Then," replied the young gentleman at whom the shaft had been aimed. "I fear he'll never a>k vou." > * « >• > There is n young lady in Lim-ohi who y recently got tired oi the advance-, of an ► ardent swain, and this is how she let £ liim down when he proposed to her the other day. ► -No. Mr. Niceh. I cannot be your J wife, but I will always lie a to > yon." k ••|s that really the be-t you can do?" £ he a^ked. "Well. I might co,i->ent to be your \ widow, if vou could arrange it that way!" she replied. "John." said a Glasgow minister to his beadle one morning. "I would *eem to have been more than usually successful in pleading the congregation ou Sabbath. To which of (he three \\m\* <>f my sermon would you attribute my Micees*';'' "Weel. sir." replied the beadle, with something like a leer in his eye. "to tell ve the truth, congregations nooadays concern themsel's le>s a boot the Ileitis than the tails o' *ermonts. The nne you preached on Sabbath was considerably shorter than the general rin «' yer discoorses, and therefore a'-body was we'd , pleaded wi't."