STORYETTES.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LII, Issue 53, 27 March 1909, Page 3

STORYETTES.

ILLS TUKX FOlt MJXUKY. It was one of those palpably cold-liaiii-iiml-.pn.klu inns; but the ' motuJ . wouklii t go, HO Jones and Jenkins had to makcj Liu; liest 01 a bail smash anil put up there. "Accommodation, gentlemen? Certainly, gentlemen!" oozed the oleaginous landlord. "Jleautiful large featherbed plenty of room for the two of you Jind 1% chough for tliree. Tliis way! gl'lltltMlk-ll!" I,'liey 'went, tliey saw, they grunted. It certainly wasn't much of a featherbed. Jlut they agreed to tsila- it, ail J, Wing fatigued, retired early. lu a few minutes .tones was sound asleep; but, try as lie might, Jenkins could not "drop oil'." -At two in the morning Jones was awakened )>y a violent nudge in the solar plexus. "What's the mutter?" he growled. "(let up!" was the reply. "Li's halftime!" "Halt-time? What tare you talking about' This isn't a football match!" "Xo; hut it's my turn to sleep on that feather!"

NOT IX (STOCK. A ntin of hesitating demeanour entered tihe general stores and glanced about him in the manner of one who knew what lie wanted, hut could 'not see it. "Yes, sir';" said the assistant. ''You kenp all kinds of felt goods here, don't you?" asked the customer.

"Yes, sir; everything made in felt, from casement-packing to hats." Wi* 11, I'm afraid you haven't gat what I'm looking for." "If it's made of felt, sir, I'm sure we have."

"Well, then.," said the customer, "let me have a long-felt want."

ALib ILLS COULD TILLNK OK •Lie was driving peacefully homeward, when Ihe noticed flames issuing from the roof of a farmhouse. The good wife of the estate was standing calmly .11 the doorway. "iii!" he yelled out, drawing up his horse. "Your house is on lire!" "What?" she 'bawled out. '1 say your house is 011 lire!" ''What did y' say? I'm a Little deaf." "YOUlt HOUSE IS ON LIKE!" again yelled the niau at the top of his voice. ''Oh, is that ill?" calmly replied the wouiaa. "Well, it's all I can think of just now!" responded the man faintly, and whipped up liis horse.

AN UN-SHAVIAN PLAY. | They were "billed" to play "Borneo ! and Juliet," but the leading man was doubtful. M Look here'," he said, approaching the manager, "I've got to luive tuppence!" "Tuppence Y" growled the manager. "You're always yelling for money! What do you want tuppence forV" "What do 1 want tuppence for?'' repeated the leading man bitterly. "1 want it for a shave—What's what 1 want it for! i can't play Borneo with iivd days' black beard on my lace!" "Oh. well," said the manager, "1 can't spare tuppence! We'll change the bill and play 'Othello'!"

CALCULATING TO A NICETY. The pale gentlcnuui in the Noah's Ark frock-coat bore down on the redfaced, rumply-haired fellow lying across a seat on the "down" platform. "My friend," remonstrated the pale gentleman, "did you «ver reckon up that, if you had placed the price of one drink out at compound interest at the time of the building of Solomon/a Temple you 'would have three million four hundred and sixty thousand two hundred and eighty-four The red-faced, ruin-;- i .ii.ii.,-A man raised himself on one elbow.

"No," he replied; "1 hadn't ligui'cd it out. But I'm something of a calculator, all the same, aiul, if you don't go away about one hundred and thirty-s.-ven yards iu nine, and a-hali seconds, I'll hit you seventeen timet*, and make you see forty-two thousand one Jjundml and ninety-six stars! I've just li.td four teeth pulled out for one pound live shillings, and you'd better go away before the arithmetic class gets ovel the ropes and calls time!"

.11 "ST A LITTLE PIECE Ol- STRING. lie was a very shy young gentleman, aiul. although Krmyntrude had presentid 'iiim with innumerable opportunities tor declaring his love iu practical fashion, he could never summon up tsuFlieieut courage to take advantage of th'in.

They were bitting as usual one evening—she on the sola, he on a chair, 'with the. utfual half-hour intervals iu between remarks, when the climax was reached.

| "Isn't it funny." she said, "that tflio [length of a man's arm is the same a<s : the circumference of a lady's waist?" "Is that so?" *aid he, mildly interested. "What do you say if we get a piece 'of string and nee if it's right?"

AN J HON TIP. "Now, ibovs," said the teacher, "can any of you tell me how iron was first discovered?" A hand shot up. "Yo«, sir!" cried Thompson major. "Well, Thompson, just tell the class what your intfonuation is on t'hat point." •'Please, sir," replied the scholar, "I heard father sav yesterday they smult it!" {One hundred lines of ''Virgil" for Thompson, major.)

ixfkctiocs. "Ila. caitiff! Jlave at thee!" The Toodlcton Amateur Dramatic Society were rehearsing their forthcoming romantic for one. night only—in the stage lnauagvr's private garden. Next door building operations were in 'progress, and a* the amateurs postured and chanted the enthralling lines, bricklayerri above laid bricks, carpenters .planed boards, and masons clipped at stones. Suddenly the rehearsal was interrupted. Across the aitcruoon came to the amateurs the vuiee of one isturdy bricklayer addressing another. "I prithee,' malapert." sail! the individual gravelv, "pasoi to me vonder brick!"

liY> I'UOXY. 'Mrs. Gaybinl ike-lied into the village post ollice. all a-lluster. ( •'Anything for me?"' she asked, with twittering heart. The postmaster »'hook his liwid, "Xurthen!" Ins replied. "Goodness gracious!" exclaimed Mi's, Gaylnrd. "1 was expecting a letter from my husband as to when he was coming home." "Well, I'll ask Miraudv," said the nhl man. And he called to Ills wife ill the kitchen: ".Mrs. (layliird's called to know if theru's any letters—«ez she's looking for a note, or something, from her liashand as ter When 'lie's cumin' hack. Is there anything for her'/' 1 "Yes, there is!" called back the jiosti mistress. "Tell her ho sez he'll ho to home litis couiln' Friday!"

YOU MIC lIT JiAVK 11 r; AH J) A I'JX--1W! There wa%serious trouble at last week. Pthoiuas had arranged with De Smyt'lie to go for u cycle apin on Saturday. Friday came—and a puncture. On Friday night Pthomas set to work, lie used three basimfuls of water and a quantity of language. vet without sueCCSS. At last he went to bed, worn out in speech, in mind. in. ibodv, and in temper. Xext morning his wife greeted him with wreathes of smiles. "You know that puncture you were trying to find hist night?'' ahe said. ,4 Yos!" lie cried eagerly. '"Well, dear, I noticed- how disappointed you "were at not finding it, so I got a pin and made one for you!"

TOUCHING TIIK SPOT. _ The grim-visaged guest sat gazing at Hie dinner "before liim in t'lio restaurant. His eyes were sad, and tiis hands hung limiply li.v his side. l'reseutly a glad light illumined his eye. "Waiter," ho cried, ''its there a chemist's l>y here?" "Yessir," replied tho knighit of the apron. "Across file i-oad." "Do they sell mustard-plasters?" ''YieSeir," said the 'waiter; "strong ones, 100. They touch the spot and 'make it tender." And lie smiled mildly at his little hit of wit. "Well," said the, diner, "that's just the sort 1 want. Send over for half-a-dozen, and put 'em oil this beefsteak." An old Quaker, not careful of the! teachings of his faith, was discovered liy his 'wife kissing the, cook behind the 1 do. v. Hut the Quaker was not distilled. "Wife." said he. g-nitly, "if thus doesn't quit thy spying, thee Ivill make trouble in the family."