WIT AND HUMOR.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LII, Issue 47, 20 March 1909, Page 4

WIT AND HUMOR.

THE WATEII-TAKKI!. A gentleman from tin.' City went to buy a valuable hunter from a countryman. "(.'an you answer fur his not shirking water'" »aid lite gentleman. •■Sir,'' gaid tlic farmer, solemnly, "I've seen him lake water over ami over again w-il.li in}' own eyes." The gentleman went away perfectly satislied. Imagine the farmer's annoyance when lie reappeared a few days in a. vile temper and bringing the horse >baek with him. ■•Vuii told me- lie wjir, a walcr-juniper," 'ilei said indignantly. j ".No, sir, never," answered I lie farmer. I "What! You deny your own words'!" "Xu, sir. What 'l did say was that I'd often seen him take water; and so 1 have. Here, Tom, bring a bucket."

I'KU.Ur.SK OF l-'LTLI!E SIXVES*. The y-oung barrister had wailul many davs fur clients, and still they did not come. His bills were mounting higher and higher, and, sad to say, some 01 his creditors were becoming impatient. At litis verv minute his tailor, whom he <iwid lor his last winters overcoat, was silling beside his desk uttering all sorts -of dire threats. -I'll pay you when I can," he said. "Well, that dun I satisly jue, retorted 'the tailor. "What would happen, do 'you think, if I were lo take this matter tu lliei courts ami sue youY"

"You'd get judgment, uf course," said 'the young lawyer. "Then in your opinion yuu haven t n leg tu stand on'!" insisted Hie tailor. . "Not u leg," returned the briefless youth. -Very well, tlii-ai, 1 shall proceed atonce," said the tailor; rising. . "1 certainly advise you to," said the lawyer, with a gleam in his eye. •1 shall most certainly accept your advice," retorted the tailor, sarcasUt- .' "(jooil," said the lawyur. "What is Uie amount of your bill'!" . "Three pounds lifteen shillings, said the'tailor. . "All right,' said the lawyer. "Hand over one pound live shillings, please.' "One pound live shillings,'' said the tailor. "What for!" . - "You have just consulted me in me •matter of a suit at law, anil nave stated Uliat you accept my advice. My charge '.for that is live pounds, and one puumi live shillings i» the difference belweeji •vour bill and mine," said the. lawyer. "If 1 don't hear from you by noon tomorrow 1 shall put the matter m the .hands of my solicitors, (food morning, ,* -Vnd the tailor went out marvelling juueli that so ingenious a young S 1!,ltl,: ; man should be a member ot the great army of the brielless.

A .MUXSTKU LUAF. Bakers in Uermany are fond »i making odd u-VFrimen-ls, the following being reported fro." fhiUbnrg, in \ cstp u lm At a ehildmi-s !'"il.v reee.it y held n that town there, was exli.bjtcd, «ud afterwards eut up and distributed llllllullg t.|.e youngsters present, a bread ■twist which for size at ledst >"* sl " el .» ■rarelv been quailed. Weighing uio less ■fl.au" 18011., it had a breadth 01 bit and a length of Mil, and wan fl.li* i«mi'l sullieic'nt to supply " satistaclory alternoon eollatiou to as many as live liu.idred boys ami girls.

THE "S.Nll'l'EK'S S.NAI'. It was a long and tedious journey, aid for the fourth lime within ninety minutes the cry "All tickets!" was heard, and lhe"snippei'.s"ea,ncrouml. An old man in the corner, who M by now thoroughly tired and cross, and •who had each time produced lus ick> I with marked unwillingness turned violently to the meek but businesslike inspector. . | "Jsnippin' 'em again?' "» vu ""' -Whv. you're alius a-siiippm' em! J>ook at niv ticket!" he continued, di-splayi-ig a remnant of cardboard with three triangular bites out of it. "I can ardly read where I'm a-goin' to now! 1 s pose they 'ave to lind vet something to do. he sneered. ".Must get tidy muscles m yer arms! Ail' they talk of the unemployed!" The collector replied not. Hi) merely examined his critic's ticket.

"Vou're in the wrong tnii.i, mister!" he "Ought to 'avu changed at Slmveo.nbe. Junction iv'heris they snipped 'cm last!"

'l'lii- Candid Critic (alter the first night of a new West End play): "I'm surry to have to say it, old chap, but there isn't one guod/situation in the whole play." The Leading Comedian:. "Oh, I don't know so much. I've got a six months' contract at a hundred awl lifty a And Unit situation was satisfactory enough for him. Lodger: "Here's a nice breakfast to ask a friend to! Did vou lav the table. .\lary?" -Mary: "Ves, sir. All hut the eggs, sir." lie; "Alice, you've been, eating onion* again!" She: "Ves, dear." He: "Well, come out ivilh me hi my motor-ear, and see if 1 can't take your breath away."

Artist: "This is my best picture. 1 call it 'St. Agnes.' And you don't like it? lam so sorry! iMay 1 ask what your objection is?"

Critical Young Woiuanq '\llcr halo isn't on straight."

Doctor (indignantly, to friend): ".My dear sir, my patients have never yet complained of my treatment, of them!" Friend: "I dare sny not; but those they left behind may!"

lie was poorly clad and dirtv. and stood in. the High Street of Dundee. His companion, who was of the, same stamp, was reading I lie Weekly News, and now and then leaned forward to comment on I lie news. "What iluyou think of this?" he said. 'Teller drowned in a beer-vat yesterday!" The other rolled his eyes. "Oh. death, where is thy sting?'' he said.

"That's a haiulsOme dog you keep," said a wayfaring man to tbe proprietor of a Highland inn where, lie was hitely sojourning.

".\yt\ aye." was the appreciative reply; "an' he will be a usc.iul dog as well. I haven't washed a" plate since .1 got lii'in. whatever."

During a snowstorm on a Highland railway a 11 ;i,i was held up for an hour or two. Til, gib id. a cheery Scot, passed along the carriages trying to keep up the. spirits of the passengers. An old gentleman angrilv coinpbiineil that if Ihe train didn't go 011 lie iroiild "die of cold." "Tah' my advrce an' no' dac that." replied the guard. "Mill' y', we thairge a sliillin' a mile for curpses."

- A (_llasf;ow man who was seized by violenl toothache did not succumb any 100 readily U> .til.- f,'iis .aiHuiuiitcied, hut in tin- course of time he was sleeping peacefully and the olli-mling malar was removed. "Mow mucin" asked the patient after the ordeal was over. -Ten shillings." said the deuti,t. "Ten the mail exclaimed. "Yes, sir," „aid Hie dentist. -It was an unusually hard job jrfttiiijr lire tooth out, and von rcipiired twice the ordinary ainoiiut of na>,'' "Well, here's the money," said Hi" patient. "lint mini! this- the 'next time I lake »iis in your place I'll want to look at the meter.''

Kind (Md Lady (talking to a lirislot trump I: "Have vou ever iimde ail cil'ort to -el work?" ' Tramp: "Yes, iim'ani. Last inoiith T «ol work for two niembers of my family, but neither o( tin 111 would take it." The visilinji parson at Darlnumr wis chunks. 1 "You should not complain, mv ni ; sUiiiileil friend," lie .-aid; "it is belter io take Ihiiifjs as you lind (liem." "Yer 011 the wrons track, parson,," replied the. prisoner. "It were praejisiilf; 'thill theory Hint »ot me 'aabheil." 1 ••Arthur." said the master of a tint-, 'tersea Council school, "if your father 'ffiive you a shilliii"; to buy a point,.! 01 M\'fl\t at 2VL-'l a pound, and a quarter \)( 11 pound of tea at Is (id a pound, and I you lost :id of the elmnjje, what wQuhl' you have when you fjot lnmie»" ; "A jolly rooil hidiuw," said Areimr with 11 fervour that hore •witness to a perso-.ial experience.