STORYETTES.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LII, Issue 41, 13 March 1909, Page 3

STORYETTES.

LACKED SECOND SIGHT. Old Skimpenny was a bit of 11 miser, and especially so i'i tint matter of food. He liiul hot bi'ul' ' u Sunday, cold beef uii .Monday, niimid Ij«i-I" on Tuesday, beef-tea on Wednesday, becf-toa ami water oil Thursday, water on Friday, and on Saturday he fasted. Jiy these means did lie contrive to make a small joint last a week. Uneday lie invited "company"—a business friend, whose cultivation would be liniuieiiilly benelicial, he calculated. ".My fare is very plain," said old Skimpenny apologetically, as tliey sat down to dinner—"very plain indeed , you know."

"Never mind,'' assured the business friend; "I'm not accustomed to dainties.'' "There!" said old Skimpenny, as two exceedingly small chops were placed upon the table. "You see your dinner, sirV" "Quite so," replied the business friend, cheerfully forking them both on to his plate; "but I don't see yours."

INSULTING THE FLAG. The Saucy Polly and the Skittish Jane were passing each other in mid-Channel. "Busted if they ain't a-llyin' the black Hag, the beggars!" exclaimed the first to the second mate of the skittish one. "Alioy, there—ahay!" A grimy seaman rose from a slumbering to a half-sitting position on Saucy Polly's deck. "Ahoy, there—ahoy!" "Ahoy, there—alioy! What do you mean by a-ilyin' of tile black llag?" "You stow yer gab!" roared back the Saucy Polly seaman indignantly. "Be careful our skipper don't hear you! That ain't a ilag! That's 'is Sunday shirt hangiu' out tor dry!"

XOT OALX.'HT NAPPING. ''l saw the prisoner, your worship, with other men, at half-past three on Toosday afternoon, playing cards in a back street." It was the voice of the accusing constable, as he read glibly from his relentless pocket-book.

"What game were thoy playing!" enquired the magistrate. "Nap, your worship. And, as I approached, I heard the prisoner call, 'Four.'" :

"And did you see what cards the man Hield?"

"Yes, your worship—an ace, king, two more trumps, and another ace " "Stop!" roared! the magistrate excitedly. "That'll do! Prisoner is fined ten shillings for not going 'nap'!" OF TWO EVILS. Little Robert was like Oliver Twist, ibut worse. For he not only always wanted more; he wanted most! Whereby hangs a storyctte. Little Robert's father decided to break him of the habit, and one day, when little Robert asked for a fourth "helping, papa (lumped the whole of tihe remaining plum-pudding on the youngster's plate. •'Robert," ho said, '"you will have to eat every bit of this, or I will punish you."

Robert set out hopefully, continued pluckily, and collapsed finally. It was too much for him. Again and again he tried, but in vain. Then he took the whole lump helplessly in his hands and raised it limply to his mouth. "Papa," he murmured faintly, "if you was me. which would you rather do—get a lickin' or bust?" A VOICE THAT SOARED. The street singer's voice rang harshly through the air: "If I should plant a liny seed of love in the garden of your heart, would it grow into a great, big love some day, or would "

'"Ere!" cried an excited young man, rushing out from a carpenter's shed. "I'll give yer tuppence if you'll stand in this shed and sing I ill I -oiue back. I'm the apprentice, and I want a dough, nut!"

The songster assented, and soon the apprentice reappeared, and paid over his twopence.

"1 s'puse," said the vocalist, "my voice is about the same as yours, an' you thought your boss wouldn't know the dill'ercnec —eh?"

The young man regarded him indignantly. "Your voice the same as mine?" he exclaimed. "If you want to know, it's the same as my saw's, and I wanted the guv'nor to think I was workin' hard on thein planks!" SO LIKE A AVOJIAN. "Now," saiil the lady teacher in the class they pleased to call "mathematical." "suppose I had two pounds, and went into a shop lo spend it. Suppose I bought a hat for one of the pounds—" Here little Isaac threw up his hands in horror.

"Fight shillings for a pair of gloves—" Little Isaac closed his eyes, that ho might not be forced to behold this thriftless woman.

"And 1 six shillings for handkerchiefs—" Little Isaac began lo feel "fainty." "Now, how much would I have left?" For a moment there was dead silence. Then little Isaac's hand went up. "Well, Isaac, how much did I havo left?"

"Vy," murmured the small hoy, in disgusted tones—"vy didn't yer count yer change, mith?"

COT IN OX HIS FACE. '•Time* is 'aid—very 'ard!" grumbled Loafer No. 1. "Nut if you've got nerve, matey, like I \ive!" chuckled Loafer Xo. 2. "Then times is wot you make 'cm." '•Whatcher "i" up to?" growled the first. "Wot 'ave I liin up to?" eaid the second. "W'y. West if I didn't walk inter the 'Ot'el Cecil as bold as brass yestiddy. take a conic* table, an' order a full course o' dinner, with' a bottle o' wine!" "But you dida't gel it 1" oxclaimed the first, '■Didn't V- Well, I should think so, matey! They took me 'for a millionaire motorist just in from a long run!"

THE RUSE THAT FAILED. ■Sniffer is one of those do-his-own-friend' men who would walk five miles in a snowstorm to save a tuppennyhalfpenny faro, and smoke drivc-'em-out-of-housc-and-homes. for the sake of putting threepence extra in the bank each week. Xmv. Sniffer—having walked five miles | in the snowstorm—pit a hacking cough, j and decided to call on a specialist, whose char.'cs were one guinea the. first visit, 1 am'Mlvo ahilli-ags a lime afterwards. But Sniffer thought he knew a trick worth playing. "Well, doctor," he cried genially, when he was shown into the specialist's sanctum. "I've come again about that hacking cough of mine, vou sec!" "I see." said the doctor vaguely. "Back again—eh! Well, fee in advance, please. You know mv custom." Sniffer banded out the five shillings, and then asked for his prescriptions.

"Well." sa'ul the doctor, after a ha,ty examination, "tho beat thin" you can do. my man. is io keep on taking the same medicine, and call again next week."

FOli, KXAMI'I,F,. .Tones, tile grocer. was issuing instructions to his licv, assistant. "Always he |iolite to customers. Call 'em 'sir' or 'ma'am' after every live words; don't let 'em leave the shop heil'oro you've asked 'em at least three times whether there's anything more you can show tliem to-day; and charge according to looks." "Quite so, sir! Thank you, sir!" said the assistant. "Anil always ;•< ,w ■mhev,'' continued the grocer, "that in thive days »f strenuous competition yiroiils can only ho made liy atteniling closoly to '"Quitu sp, sir! Thank you, sir!''

'■ : -Vat example," said Jones, ''when yon pick the Hies out of the sugar, don't throw 'em away; put 'em among the currants." JUST ABOUT DUE. It was Saturday night. Mrs. Sparkgin was getting anxious. Mr. Sparkgin had Hot yet returned 'from the football match, where ttiis favorite team were to win or lose him ■much of filthy lucre. Mrs. Sparkgin began to rant. Still he enme not. At last Mrs. S. put on her bonnet. She knew where to find him; and, my word, when she did find him—— "Is my 'nsbiu' 'ere'" she asked of the constable in charge at the police station. "Not yet, Mrs. 5.," replied the officer, who had read the result of the match. "hut take a chair, will you 7 We're expceliu' Mm every minnit!" "Halloa, oh, chap, where are yon off to!' 1 said one man to another. "I'm going over to the post office to make a complaint about the dilatory delivery." '■Flint's the trouble I" '" r 'iv. that cheque you promised to sei-j mei ten days ago hasn't reached mo yet," ....