STORYETTES.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LII, Issue 29, 27 February 1909, Page 4

STORYETTES.

iIiUJSI XLUi MWD 01' LSI Stealthily the anxious fawner wo]il doSvustairs," For three Jiight's in tiiuccssion chickens had been stolen from his run, and now, again, he had 4canl slight noises in, tile yard, lie would catch the thief red-handed. Hist! He took up hi* trusty jinn, "ml proceeded iljiuir his way out into tilt night, and to the scene of the cuuuiiution. A dark figure squatted trembling iu a corner of tne run. "Who's there';" eried Urn fanner suddenly. "Answer, or I'll .shoot!" For a iiKum-M there was dense silence. Then a quave.r arose on the night air: "Please, sir, there ain't no one 'ere except chickens!" THE KXIVKS-TO-CIRIXJXiriIONE. "Yes, darling,'' said the fond husband admiringly, "i have indeed a treasure hi my sweet, thoughtful wife!" "1 do try, to lie helpful to you," shi, agreed, gazing up into bis face. "I'm always thinking of something new. I've even*'found a new use. ior those gramophone records you bought last week, and which cost such a lot of money.' "How clever you are!" he exclaimed. "What is your latest wheeze';" •In the lirst place.'' she hegan, "I hold a skein of wool over my firms, tie one end of the wool on u. reel, place the reef on the gramophone-pin, and then start the gramophone. 'Presto! The wool is wound up in' no time!'' The fond hnsliaiid' gaped in admint- ! tion. . •\Oul that is not all," she continued. ' "To-morrow I shall place a Utile bath- " brick on one of the records, start tilt , gramophone, and so clean the knives, i And he is still gaping.

ILL, VKKV ILL! Not a leaf was stirring, not a breath of wind was in the air, not a sound was to be heard. All tbo windows of No. 13 were closed, all the Wind* were down; no smoke, even, issued from the thiinncy. The voung Jover approaching was ■obacsscd immediately by the, infinite silence. . i. young girl softly raised her window nt fc approach, and made a sign for him to wait. Soon she was by his sue ,on the green sward [beneath. " s '-s.h!' she whispered. "Don't make a noise "Why, what's the matter';' queried' Ue voiing maii. **"« your another ill'; "No>; not mother," replied the girl. "It's father." t "And what's the matter with him! . Sot scarlet fever?" : "Worse!" answered the girl, man ; awestruck- whisper. '■He's trying to • make an anagram, for 'Answers! ' MOKE i'lTTlKfi. , She was .fair, fat, and forty, was 110 s ftniniboisc, and she. wanted to go to a i .fancy dress ball, and appear shin an; v tall'in some dress —what, she didu t •- tmite know. . "I think," she remarked, •'lunuiboisc, a that a role that would well suit your poise would he Helen of Troy." s But he ■said—to annoy: _ n "Why not Helen of Avoirdupois? e ' WASTBD-A LOFTEK! i- "Ha ha!" eried the humorous head t of the house. "Here's a joke, children! ■s I drop this golf-ball into Pretty Polly.. ;t nest, and Pretty Polly will sit on it, it thinking it's an egg!" His words were soon verinecl. Ihe T hilarious family soon .had the pleasure ,o of seeing Pretty il'olly sittijig on a Masit kell and continuing the farce day by ;- dav. ii- Presently, however, she. began to grow i; suspicious. Parrot flesh and blood could m stand it no longer. A fearful screeching II brought her owner down one morning n. at four o'clock. ic "What's the. matter, Polly''" he asked, o- as he noticed that the bird's beak was a- chipped through trying to get at the t. egg's interior, nf "Matter?" screeched Polly. "Why, lg I'm bunkered!"

ONE ON THE' WORKMAN. When Tommy was taking papa his dinner he stopped for a moment to watch a workman emptying a. sewer. "That," remarked Tommy, interestedly, "is the grate my brother lost a shilling down." The workman's eyes lit np. "Well, young man," he said, with a show of carelessness, ''you'd better get I ■forward with tiiat dinner before it's cold." In about half an. hour Tommy returned, to find- the. man still at the same grate. '•Aro you quite sure, it was this grate the shilling was lost in?" said the workman. "I am certain," replied Tommy, "because I saw my father get it out." WHY THE BRIBE JiIUDIJiD. It was their honeymoon trip, ami, being simple, unsophisticated country people, they had come to London to pass that period of perfect bliss._ So far. matters had gone well. The journey "up" was a four-hour affair, and, though (hey had not been the only people in their third-class carriage, there were six or seven tunnels-; >o that the time passed, on the whole, quits pleasantly. They were wailing on the platform at Sl.'Pancnts for the guard to bundle out their boxes from tin- brake-van. when a porter respectfully and expectantly approached them. "Can I look after yer /baggage for yer, mister?" be enquired. The red blood mounted to the young bride's check, and she turned angrily to her voting husband. "Well," she. exclaimed, "if ye ain't a-goin' to thrash Jiirn for referrln' to, me like that, George, ye're no man!" 'fame IN NAME. "Well. John," said the kindly rector, who was on his way from giving old Mrs. Huaivblopup a benign bath-bun, to his coachman, who had received a present of a little son a few days before—"Well. John, and what are you going to name your little boy?" "Well, sir," replied the bashful parent, "I was thinkin' of 'Cicero.'" "Cicero—dJi!" said the rector. "Well, well, he was a great orator." "I dunno about horators," replied the coachman; "but Cicero 'c was a great 'oss. I won live pound over 'iiu, I did! ■AST EDITORIAL TRAGEDY! The StoiTcttc Editor sat in his dcu, and his visage, was puckered and blue: ho wns wading through hundreds of ehristuutty jests that were stale when (lie world'was new. There were jokes of the plumber that Adam amide when be. was a gay young spark; there were nautical wheezes by Mariner Noah when he sailed with the Zoo in the Ark.

''' 'The old. old joke of the mothcr-in--11 law was repealed' a score of times; ;t 'i cropped up faithfully every day as often 11 a- '■How Hells Chimes." 0 And so did the jest of the satmag"-'-froll that barked like a thing of life. (Our Editor knew that identical wheeze >' was invented by Solomon's wife.) '■ There were jokes about goats, about V married men, about anglers and myths ieal fish; there were midsummer jestlets s and Cliristmastide puns —a widely-as-s sorted dish. s I.And the Kdilor knew Ihem all by *■ heart: and it daily gave him the bile, '- to re-read Ihe jokes Hint the Pharaohs ■ told to Ihe crocodiles down the Nile. tint all of a. sudden he gave a cry. and he clutched in a palsied grasp a post- , card, and eagerly scanned it through, • then shouted. "At last! At last! "A brand-new joke! Can it he, ve 1 gods? Yes; it 'is! YKS, IT IS. I ' VOW!" Then sbfnTTulng went "click" 1 iii his overwrought brain, anil he's in Ihe. asylum now. 1 ' ' UTIW ACAIV. ' "Now. Arthur, come here and look at this lovely new silk dress of mine." said ' his instructive mother. ".lust look at ' the vards and yards of silk, and the ' beautiful texture, dear, and just think ' how much it. must have cost!" ' "V,».. mamma." bleated Arthur. - "Well, dear. I'm showing von [his just, lo leach you a le>-oii. All this was 1 provided by a mere Worm." Arthur considered ihe propnsitiini'for a moment. Then lie solved it. 1 "Mamma." he said, "do ymi mean papa?" Dr. .Tobson was a famous specialist. He had a rule ■ i( expedited iMisiness ■■ that each patient must, divest hiin-elf of his-garments before entering the private office for examination. -lobson grew very testy if this rule were disregarded.' A man one .lav entered the doctor's olli.-e fully clad. \ "1 don't know what yon mean, sir!" {said ..lobson ansrilv. "All inuM remove [ their clothing before coming in here to. I mo! That, is nvy rule, and I'll request ' you. to observe it!" J' With a hasty apology, the man withI drew. He returned iu a few minutes, j with, nothing on. ( "Ait'd now, sir," said Dr. .lobson, I "what can T do for vou?" , I "T. have called," said the shivering I mast, bashfully, "about that bill of Tay- [ lw ana Taylors."