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WIT AND HUMOR.

The lunatic asylums arc carefully inspected both by the Lunacy Commissioners and the visiting justices. Will Crooks tells some funny stories of these inspections. On one occasion he noticed a lunatic who was wheeling a barrow turned upside down. lie went to the j man aud said: 1 "Why don't you put the barrow iu iu proper position';" ! '"Not 1;' said the lunatic; "if 1 did they would very soon li'll it with bricks, ami I should have to wheel theon." Another justice met inmate who asked him hurriedly for a piece of toast. "L don't carry toast, my good mail," said the justice. "What do you want toast for?" The inmate replied, "Oil, I'm a poached egg, and 1 want to sit down."

There is a certain bishop who is noted for his funny stories, and his latest is said to be about an old reprobate who decided to repent, and announced to everyone that whatever wrong he had done should be nude right. JSo u man whom he had cheated out of large sums of money went rouud at midnight to demand it.

"But why did you come at this hour aud wake nic up? Why not wait till to-morrow?" said the old sinner, crossly, "1 came early," replied the man, "to avoid the crush."

Harry Lauder, the celebrated comedian, tells a story of a Glasgow friend who arranged with his wile that he would come home early one afternoon and make a long-promised call oil some neighbor, for live o'clock tea.

Jho laithful husband arrived home to lind his better half out, and no message left to explain her absence. Jk* searched all over the house for her. At last he rang a bell and the maid appeared.

"Martha," said lie, "can you tell me anything about my wile's where* abouts?" "1 can't, sir." said she. after some .hesitation, "but 1 suppose they are in the wash."

"It was blowing hard when we ran out of port." began the old salt, impressively. "Hut I suppose you'd got some sherry or something lo go on with?" said the sympathetic listener.

"According to this paper,' - ' observed Mr. Goodwin, "a man has lived a year oil beer alone."

""Well, that's as it should be." observed Mrs. Goodwin. "Any man who lives on beer ought to be compelled to live alone."

luist Little Cirl: "Vour papa and mamma are not- ruul parents. They adopted you/' Second Little Girl: "Well, that makes it all the more satisfactory. My parents picked me out, and yours hud tu take you just as you came."

.Mrs. Louias: *T don't »ee what she wanted to marry iiiiu for; he has a cork leg. a glass eye, as well as a wig and' false teeth.''

Mrs. Smith: '"Well, my dear, you know that woman always did have a hankering after remnants.''

Guide: "This is the famous place of the twenty-four echoes, and last year a gentleman who heard them suddenly weut mad."

'Lady Tourist: "How did that happen

Guide: "llis mother-in-law called out to him. and when he heard twenty-lour molhers-in-Jins at the saanc lime it was too much for him.''

Customer: "Why are you biting that sixpence 1 gave you?' : Xensbuy: "Ter maku sure it's a good Customer: •"Don't you kaow that money swarms with microbes? Aren't yni afraid of getting a bad mouth?" Xewsboy: "Xot 'art' so much as I am oi giuin' a bad tanner, guv'nor!''

"If you didn't take so much interest in horses you would be better oil'," snapped Mrs. Growler. "Vou have had horses 0 n your brain all your life." "1 suppose that is how I happened to marry a nag," retorted Mr. Growler, his face ambuscaded behind the sporting paper.

"What did father say vheib you told him of our engagement? ' allied the young lady. "\\ ell—cr— really, Phyllis '' began the ineligible young man. "Oh. leave out the strong language.'' "Then there's nothing to tell you."

"And the name is to be tusked lhe siuivo milliner, us he approached the font with the precious armful of iat and Ilouuces.

"Augustus Philip Ferdinand Uodrington Uiesterlleld Livingstone Snooks." " Dear me!*' (Turning to the sexton): "A little more -water, -Mr. Perkins, if you please."'

"Keen standing there long?" asked the millionaire fixmi the depths of his fur coat. "Hours, shy replied the beggar. ••coktr'

"Frozen, sir," said the mendicant, with rising hope. "AU," sjvhl the millionaire, as lie walked on, "now what you want to do is to move about a bit."

The pale, proud girl turns to the big, heavy Growetd man who is gazing at her so intently, lie lias a glittering knife in his 'hand.

"Have you no heart?' she asks, in low, even tones. "No," he tells her.

"Then give me twopenny worth of liver."

Ilupidly cutting oil" the desired amount, the butcher wraps it up for her, gives her the change, and turus to wait on the uext customer.

•Jane's mother had come to London to see her. Jane was in service there, and took'her mother lo see the sights. Proceeding down the Strand they met a gaily-dressed ,\&dy sporting the latest in hats, and Jane, wishing to draw the old lady's attention to the hat, said: ••See, mother, that's a 'Merry Widow.' "

The old woman stood speechless and gazed at the .gorgeously-attired lady, but, finding her tongue., exclaimed: "A widow! .An' tao dress like that! The shameless hussy; it's enough tao mak' her man Guru in hU?collin!' 5

Doorkeeper (at the musical comedy): "Don't you wajit to come back'/*' 1 Victim: '*No/ 5 Doorkeeper: "'.Well, take this passcheck, auyway. You can hand it to some chap outside.' 3 Victim: "My dear fellow, i haven't ail enemy iu the world.''

She (uftci* elopement); "I. received a letter from papa to-daw" He: "Welt?" She: "He writes that he had just liuUlii'd making his will." ilu; "Did he remember lis?'' She: i4 l r t'aj, indeed, lie has left all his money tuuii asylum for hopeless idiots."

Dressed in the latest and must approved motor-cycling costume, with goggles all complete, the motor-cyclist gaily toot-tooted his way towards the Zoo. Suddenly lie slackened, dismounted, and said to a small, grubby urchin: '"i say, boy, am 1 rig-lit for tile Zoo?'' The bov gapped at so strange a sight, and thought it must he some -new animal for the gardens. I "You may be all right it they have a >parc cage." he said, when he could Jind his tongue, "but you'd ha' stood a far better chiance if you'd a tail." I

"What shall 1 charge Mr. Stronghoart lor these trousers?" asked the clerk of Shnipps and Taylor. "Sixteen bob—tho usual price V" Shnipps and Taylor pondered. "Stronghearl is a good customer, js he nothe reflected.' "lie U." said the dork. "And he always pays up promptly?"

-He does." "A'iiil never haggles';" "lie doeMi't." "Well, then." decided Shnipps and Taylor, "•charge him a pound!"

•'lie you Dr. Ponder?'' asked a tall, lean man. walking into the coasultingmom of a fashionable Chicago practitioner, "I sun.".replied the doctor. '"Well, look a-hoie. old fellow,'' remarked the visitor. "Titt glad to find yer nt last. D'ye remember in 'OB. when you ■ was in Loudon, liow* yet set a feller's arm and didn't oliavge him for it?'' "Yes," said the doctor, with the prospect of a big fee rising before him. "Well, sir." said the visitor. "I'm that feller, an' I've broke the other arm, so I'm come to have it fixed on the same terns"

Permanent link to this item
Hononga pūmau ki tēnei tūemi

https://paperspast.natlib.govt.nz/newspapers/TDN19090220.2.43

Bibliographic details
Ngā taipitopito pukapuka

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LII, Issue 23, 20 February 1909, Page 4

Word count
Tapeke kupu
1,253

WIT AND HUMOR. Taranaki Daily News, Volume LII, Issue 23, 20 February 1909, Page 4

WIT AND HUMOR. Taranaki Daily News, Volume LII, Issue 23, 20 February 1909, Page 4

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