WIT AND HUMOR

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LII, Issue 17, 13 February 1909, Page 3

WIT AND HUMOR

"How fortunate that it was a doe 'tor's motor-car run over Dowson!' ; "Vi's, il i, n remarkable thing about Dowson-he always is lucky!"

Mother (indignantly): "Vou naughty l)oy! rtiu[i pulling that iwor cats mil.' Utile Innocent: "i'lll not pulling it. 1 am only holding on. Tin; cat h doiny the pulling herself."

"When 1 was doing business in a vei-j small way,' remarked n surcwd meriiiaut, "i advertised liui'l I had no iiiaiuii stores.' •■Well': "mat made .people iiuuk i was limning a eiassy sliop, and pretty »oou i Has .able lo open brunch stores. See!''

"I would not give much for that man's religion," said Sir Arthur Helps, "whose :cat and dog are not belter lor il."

"Di successful man," said L'uilc Kbeu. "keeps quiet su's he kin hear opportunity kuockin' at de do'. tie tailure .tries to ilo all de knockin liissc i.

Asked when he was married, the colored citizen replied: "All 1 know, suh, is diit it wuz des w'en she 'lowed she'd git me—ter de minute!"

' An architect remarked to a lady that he had been to see the great nave'in the new church. The lady replied: "Don't 'mention mimes-1 know the man io ■whom you refer."

The Angler: "is this public water my man?" Tho Inhabitant: "Aye' The Angler: "Then it won't be a ciiiui if I laud a fish?" The Inhabitn'at: "A'u it'll be a miracle!"

A member of an eminent St. Louis lav firm went to Chicago to consult a client When he arrived lie found that he lnu unaccountably forgotten the client', name, lie telegraphed his partner "What is our client's name'/" The an swer read. "Brown, Walter E. Yours i: Alien, William B."

Lord Palmerston was at a public meeting. "Will you support such and such a reform if returned if demanded a voice from the hall. "Pain." considered a moment, then replied, "1 will"—at which there were thunders of applause—"not" he continued, amid vociferous counter-cheering—"tell you''—then there was general laughter. And "l'am." looked on at the puzzled multitude with a sort of "Sold again" smile on his countenance.

Employer: "Why were you discharged from your last place'/" Applicant; "For good behaviour." Employer: "What do you mean by -that!" Applicant: "They took three mouths oil' my sentence."

• Tom: "Belle is a strange girl. She doesn't know the names of some of her 'best friends." Maud: "That's nothing. Why, 1 don't wen know what my own will be a year from now."

: "Yes," said Mr. Duslin Slax, "i have 'succeeded in life, and by the hardest kind of work." "Y'ou don't look as if you had much personal experience' with hard work." "Of course not. I hired it done."

1 Cardinal Logue, during his visit to I'oeantico Hills, was asked how many sermons a prcactior could prepare in a week. Smiling. Cardinal Logue answered: "If the preacher is a. man of extraordinary ability he can -prepare one sermon; if a man of average ability, two; if a blockhead, ten or twelve."

The attendant was showing the lunatic asylum to the visitor, and opened the door to the lirst cell. Inside was a man sitting on a stool and gazing vacantly at the wall. "Sad story," said the attendant; "he was in love with a girl, but she married another man, and he lost his reason in grief." They stole out softly, closing the door behind them, and proceeded to the next inmate. This cell was thickly padded, and the man within was stark, staring mad. "Who is this?" enquired the visitor. "This," repeated the attendant, "this is the other man."

"It lakes a heap 0' determination, son," said L'ncle Kbeu, "to hcv yoh own way in dis life, an' a heap o'brains to know what to do wif it after you gits it."

"You didn't seem lo enjoe your dinner.'' ".\o." answered .Mr! Cumrox. "1 confess 1 was wondering about how much .1 ought to give, the waiter. Vou see, if you' give a'waiter too little he snubs you, ,;u.l if you give him 100 much 'he knows you are a strung; r in the 'place and scorns you anyhow.'

Tramp: "Will yer give me somcthiu' to eat, missus? I'm that thirsly 1 don't know where to sleep to-night!"

Mother: "fraiikie, are you teaching that parrot to swearV" Kraukie: "Xo, mother; I'm just telling it what it mustn't »i\)',"

Old Chap: "Yes, sir, I'm ninety-three next birthday, and i don't recollect ever telling a lie.'' Voting Man: "Well, you can't expect your memory to be very reliable at that age."

I "Maude was afraid Hie girls wouldn't notice her engagement- ring." "Did they?'' "Did they! Six of them recugI'iiisud it at once.''

liver: "1 dropped my watch in the river, and didn't recover it for three days. Jt kept right on running, though." Myor: "A watch won't run for three days." Oyer: "Of i-unrsc not; 1 wu* Vpeaking of the river."

Cncli". "Kw.ii though you, are my brother's son, 1 am obliged to discharge you. But I am sorrv. I'or vour mother's .sake," Oltico-hov Nephew: "Oh. that's all right, sir. llo'tlier' says she don't see 'ovv I've put up with you as long as .[ 'avc,''

One winter's evening in the city of illelfast, when a water inspector was ■going his round, he slopped at one of the mains in a busy street to turn oil' the water owing to some repairs, lie had just put the handle on the tap and begun turning when a hand was placed on his shoulder. Looking round, he was ! confronted by a tipsy gintleiiian, who said, in a drunken tone: "So I have found you at last, have IV It's you I that's turning the street rouuil, is it';"

Parmer .lone- was on a vi,it to his nephew in Loudon, and the two went to tho Cafe ltoyal in. Regent Street for dinner. They had given their order and were waiting for it to be brought 'When the younger man, who had been glancing at a menu card that lay on the table, said: "By the way. uncle, did yon ever have- cercbro-spiual meningitisV "No," replied L'nclc Jones, after a few moments' struggle, with the <|Uestio>), "and I don't want any. I'd rather have fried liver and bacon any day,"

"Bliggins says he owes everything to his wife." ''Well," answered the man who never says u kind word, "I don't know of anyone, else who would take a chance of being his creditor."

Mother: "Jane, you must choose between the two. Will you marry the man who loves you or the man w.lio can dress youV" 'Daughter: "Mamma, as an up-to-date girl, I must reply to your question that, although love' is a very desirable thing, clothes are an absolute necessity,"

"Noo, Bill, this game's ahoot played oot," said a Clydesiile workman's wife to her husband. "For the, past few weeks ye've been bringin' me in nineteen and ninepencc on a Saturday whin yer wages are a poun' a. week. Xoo, .lell me, is't gamblm' or the drink yer ■ol'terf "Xaw, lass; it's naether gam--1 ilin.' or drink that's troublin' me," was Ihe reply. "I'm .savin' up tne buy a shipyard."

An oil) woman went into a greengrocer's audi ordered a pennyworth of carrots, After being served she «n- ---, quired, "D'ye not throw something in \vi' them?" "Oh, yes," replied the 1 ppeeugrooer. 'lf ye wait a minute A'll throw in. a seek o' tatties, an a barrel o' apples, an' a tondredweight o' turnips, an' a box o' oranges. An', 1 ' he .-houted, as the old woman flounced out of the shop, "when, A'm busy A'll throw in tlio horse, anil cart. If you're n«t satisfied then, come back for the, shop."

"Now, Peters," said the. teacher, "what is it makes the. water of the sea so salty?" "Salt," said Peters. "Next," said the teaehor. "What is it makes t'he water of the sea so salty?" "The salty quality of the sea •water," answered "Next," "is duo to the admixture of a sufficient quantity of chloride of sodium to impart to the, aqueous fluid with which It .commingles a saline flavor, which is readily recognised by the organs of taste!" "Right, Next,' jald the teacher, "Go up owl''