HALF-MINUTE STORIES.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LII, Issue 5, 30 January 1909, Page 3

HALF-MINUTE STORIES.

As DONE IN HOLLAND. "Tobacco smoking," said a travcllci is so common in Holland that 11 is ini■poMiulo to distinguish one person from ■.iiiouier m a room luil 0 t smokers." "But, supposing you want to speak to somc'iie piisciu, now are you to lind u "Ah; in such cases a waiter is sent ■round, uiii, a. pair of bellows, witn .vhnii he i,i„ rt s away the smoke Iroin Hie lace 01 ever} person until Hie ri"iil one is found. °

THE I'lilCK OF HIS SILENCE. doling man: "S.r, I have come to demand tue hand of your daughter." Banker: "Mr! \\ hat do vou mean, you young " Young Man: "Her hand, sir, is the price, ol my silence." Hanker: "Wli-whal! This insolence is unbearable, George, call a policeman."

Young Alan: "tine moment, siv, you don't understand. J. know nothing of your allairs, so do not for a moment imagine that you have been guiltv of any wrongdoing. The silence t alluded to is of another sort. 1 a in the young mail who practises on a cornel i'n the house next door." Hanker: "Oh, lake her. my so.i, and be happy!"

NOT STARTED YET. "Have you bought any Christmas presents yel?' asked the .girl in grey. "Oh. dear, no; not yet!" replied the girl in red. "Why, 1 have onlv succeeded in looking over the things'in twelve ■shop, so tar. 1 doubt if I shall do an,buying for another week.' A SUBTLE DIFFERENCE. "No," said a fond mother to her child, "you really must not cat so many sweet*, as they are not good for you." A few days later the child brought back a small bag of sweets. "Look, mummy!" said the child delightedly, "I, have bought some red •sweets because they are. ripe. I haven't •bought any nasty green ones I" COULDN'T BE DONE. "Surely this is an unatoiniwtl puzzle," lie said, as he looked up from his novel. "Whan" she asked. "■Speaking of the heroine," he replied, "this book says that she threw herself at his feet and he caught her in his anus." "What of in" she demanded. "What of it!" he exclaimed. "Just you go over that statement carefully, ■ami then tell me what kind of monstrosity lie must have been."

A CIIRfSTJIAX OliDEIi. About three weeks before Christmas several small boys were, out singing carols, when they came to a house which .they thought a likely place for a reward. After singing for some time the lady *jf the house came to the door a:id told Ahem that it was too early to come carol-singing. They could pay a visit ■there onlv on Christmas Jive. i This evidently pleased the youthful ■waits, for when they had just gone out ■of the gates one of them called to auoflicr who was standing outside: • "Hi, Bill, we've got a border for Christmas Eve; don't forget to book St!" it was booked accordingly.

AX AUTHOR'S RUSE. ' Mr. 11. Killer Haggard owe found himself in an .awkward position in South (Africa, lie. was in a. farmhouse occupied by some Boers who mue discussing si |)lot against the British. i Mr. Haggard knew that if they discovered that lie was English they would shoot him as a spy, and he racked his ibrain for some method of getting rid of ;his unwelcome neighbors.

I Presently one of the Bows lit his pipe Bind threw the match, .still burning, on to the, floor. Immediately an idea ocicurred to the author. He leapt up and stamped it out.

I ''Why do vou do that?" asked the ileader of the Boers.

I "Because the British keep nil their idynamite, under this floor," replied Mr. Haggard. In less than a minute- there wasn't a single Boer left on the premises.

[POOR PRISONERS, i Humor is to be. found even in such sordid places as ipolice-courts. Prisoners on trial often unconsciously provide amusement for those who have come to see how the eases will result. Here are -a few good examples of police-court fuuiior^^^^^^^^^—^^^^^^^Bß aiid I was only going \o open tile, window an inch or two for the benefit of the occupant*' health. It's friMufullv unhealthy to sleep with your "bedroom ' window completely shut up, your worship."

In a Dublin police-court the magistrate was about to pronounce sentence on an Irishman for the theft of a f.'hrist■nins goose. i "\-,iil is it upon the oath of tliim two •witnesses that yer honor's going to condemn me?" said the prisoner. "Certainly." said the magislratc. 1 "Osh, lnurlhcr! To condemn me on 'the oaths of two spalpeens who swear thev saw me take the. blind, when I can ■l,,'iiig forth a hundred who will swear •they" ilidn'l see me, do it!"

Ma"istratc: "You admit that you eiitemUhc house of the prosecuting witness by the door at two oclock in the •morning?' - ' . • Prisoner: "Yes, voiir workup. | Magistrate: -What busine-s had you there at that lime J" .Prisoner: "1 thought it was my own house.'' , ,-1 i„.„ . Magistrate: "Then why did you, when this lady approached, leap through . window, jump into the cistern, and hide ■yourself!" . , ... ' Prisoner: "Your worship, I thought .1 was my wife."