HALF-MINUTE STORIES.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LI, Issue 330, 23 January 1909, Page 3

HALF-MINUTE STORIES.

UNFAIR ODDS. Mr. George Bernard 'Shaw is u noted satirist, ami an amusing story is told of a. "first night" of one of his plays. At the mil of the curtain there Has cries of "Author, author!" and everyone -seemed i.clightcd with ihc production except a solitary individual i,i the gallery, who began "booing" for all he was worth.

Presently Mr. Shaw, came on the stage to take his "call," and tin- dissatisli'jd one continued his cries although the rest of the audience uppiiiuiied louder than ever. Advancing solemnly to the footlights, .Mr. Shaw then addressed the man in the gallery. "You are quite right, sir," he said, "and 1 must say 1 agree with you. But what are we two to do against this whole houseful?" •SO SIMPLE. A wandering sleight-of-hand man was entertaining some loungers with an exhibition of his tricks. After showin." several of them, he said: "Hut 1 have one good trick which I call the shilling trick." Of course they all wanted to see that, so he instructed a good number of them to give him a shilling, after having marked it and carefully noted the date. About a dozen of the bystanders did so, and he. took them all, shook thein up, and then showed each man another shilling than the one he had marked, accompanying each sliillin» with the question: "Is that yours?" Each man, of course, said "No," and he strolled away, saying: "Then they must all be mine!"

WHAT HE WANTED TO KNOW.

They were, married at the beginning of December, and the 25th was approaching.

"\ou know, little wife," he said one evening, "We mustn't have any secret from each other, must we, sweet one?" "No, darling," she whispered. "So," he continued, "I want you to tell me what you intend spending on a Christmas present for me, so that I can calculate how much money I shall have left to buy one for you.'' R'l'VAL 1 DETECTIVES. Sir Arthur Conan Doyle once had an amusing experience with a cabmaa in Paris. The author had just arrived at the French capital, and to his great surprise the cabman who drove him from the station to his hotel addressed him by name.

Sir Arthur asked the man how he knew who he was.

"Oh," replied tho cabman, "I read in the newspapers that the famous Conan Doyle would come to Paris from Marseilles and Lyo7is, and directly I saw you I .observed that your hair had been cut by a Marseilles barber, and that on the heel of your left shoe there is mud from Lyons."

Sir Arthur was highly flattered and gratified to think that an ordinary cabman was so intimate with his famous detective stories that he could apply the methods of their central character io the facts of everyday life. "Are those the'only signs by which yon recognised who I am?" asked Sir Arthur.

"Oh, nd," replied the Jehu, as he flicked up his horse, "you see, your full name is painted on your trunk!'' StUJC'D EARNED IT. Doctor: "Well, what do you want?" Washerwoman: "A Christmas-box." Doctor: "What for?" Washerwoman: "My children have given the whole village measles."

A JUST REWARD. Sir Squire Bancroft ia very popular with members of the Royal family, and on one occasion he made an amusing joke, in the presence of the Pr>nce of Wales.

Lady Bancroft, it must be remarked, had some time previously lost a pet bird, and when the Prince saw Sir Souire li« said: '

"I think I have got Lady Bancroft's lost bird. A strange bird was hopping about in the grounds of Marlborough House, and was caught by the children. Pray, go and see if it is yours. 1 hop" so, but," added the Prince, smiling, "if it is, 1 shall claim whatever reward you may have offered for it,"

"Certainly, sir," replied Sir Squire, "it is a small reward, but appropriate, being half-a-sovereign." NOT MUCH AMISS. A young man sent his father, an old farmer in the country, liis pliotograpii, accompanied with a request for help, as he was poor. The old man looked over the photograph, and then responded: "You can't cheat me, you young dog! You can't be very poor to be livin' among them marble vases, an' statues, an' llowers and nice furniture, such as your photygraph shows." CAUSE FOR HOPE. A gentleman from London visiting Scotland, having heard that a man residing in the district where he had put up had just completed the hundredth

year of his age, and- being anxious to see the centenarian, ]>aid him a visit. In the course of conversation the Cockn<*y congratulated the old man on the healthy appearance he had at his time of life.

''But," said lie, "I presume you do not expect to see the end of another hundred years?'' I "I'm no very sure üboot tlint. You must mind I'm a heap stronger the noo than when I started wi' the first bunnor," was the old man's reply. SHE WOX THE DAY. George: "But, Mabel dear, marriage is out of tlie question just iiow. You seem to have forgotten that I'm but a poor clerk on a meagre salary." ' Mabel: "Oh, (leorge, don't let poverty interfere with our happiness. We can manage to live on one meal a day if necessary.''

tteorge: "But you know nothing of household duties, sweetheart; you can't even cook.' 1 Mabel: •'lndeed I can, love, but I have kept it a secret from yon; but the lime has come for my confession. George, dear. 1 had cooking lessons three months ago." (ieorge: "My darling, come to my arms. It shall be as you wish. One meal a day will lie more than enough."

A: REAHOXAMLB REQUEST. "Pa," said Willie, "why did you buy a golf coat?'' "To plav golf in. niv son," said Mr. Willis. "Did you require it?" "Of course I. did." "Then I want a topcoat to play tops hi. I see 'cm advertised.'' Dm AS HE WAS BTD. i Sir AVilliam S. Cilbert was one night ' standing in tins porch of a London tlreatre after the play, when a stylishlydressed young dandy, mistaking him for an attendant, approached him and said: "I say, call me a cab, will you?" Fixing the stylish one coldly with his oy<;, Sir William replied: "Sir, you are a cab!" For a moment the, stranger was too amazed to move, but, realising his mistake, lie hastily took oil' bis hat, bowed to Sir William, and fled hastily into the ligW-

THE CHUM' TORKKY. X merry company wore. assembled at the, Christmas dinner-table, and all enjoyed the feast of good things provided by the jrpninl hostess. One of the guests in a. jocular maimer asked little Tommy, the son of the hostess, where turkey? en ml- from. "Dunno," lie answered; "lmt r can to'l vnu where this one came from" (pointing to tlie one on the table). "Ma got it from ii tramp for one.-and-sixpence, 'cause the man said lie stole it. Didn't lie, mat" a DErarrioN. There are probably few greater wits among our present-day noblemen than Lord Roscbery, and it is to ltim that we arc indebted for a clever definition of memory. Some time ago a friend met him, and they began to discuss the subject of mnemonics. "Well, what do you say that memory is?" asked Lord Rosebcry's friend. "Memory," replied his lordship, without a moment's hesitation, "is the feeling that steals over us when we listen to our friends' original stories." (TOO!) IDEA. Mother: "Yes, Rupert; the baby was a, Christmas present from the angels." Rupert (aged four): "Well, mamma, if we lay liiui away carefully and don't use him, we can give him to somebody else next Christmas." "T trust T shall make you feel quit's at home," remarked the hotel proprie-| tor. "Don't you try it," expostulated the married man. "I'm away from it to taw * jolly good ttaw,"