WIT AND HUMOR

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LI, Issue 281, 21 November 1908, Page 4

WIT AND HUMOR

Quivcrfull: '• My colleague is the most insatiable man 1 ever saw. He wants everything he sees." Mrs Q. : " Can't you introduce one of our daughters to iiim ?''

First Amateur: There is such a difficult scene in the second act." Second Amateur : " What is it ?" . First Amateur : " The hero tells me that he never loved until he met me, and I have to look as if X believed him.''

" You have got a new housemaid, I see, Mrs Youngwife." " Yes; II got her about a weak ago." 'How do you like her | "Very much indeed. She lets me do almost as I like about the house."

, Nice Old Lady : " Will you kindly . tell me if the lady who writes ' The .Mother's Page' every week in your paper is in I I want to tell her how .much I have enjoyed reading her articles on 'The Evening Hour in the Nursery,' " Ollice Boy : " That him over there with a pink siiirt, smoking a pipe."

Husband (arriving with his wife at the station just as tile train steams out): "There! if you hadn't taken such a fearful long time dressing' we shouldn't have lost the train.''

Wife : " And if you iiadn't hurried me so all the way here, we shouldn t have had such a long time to wait tor the next one.''

Scene : In a town street, two tramps gazing at a placard.

Bill (reads) : " Two pound reward is offered for the recovery of a black dog that was lost last week."

, Jim: "What about that dog we stole ?" Bill : "It is a white 'un." Jim: "Never mind. Gone white through grief. Understand, eh

! An Irishman, more patriotic than clever, enlisted in a Dragoon regiment with the intention of becoming a gal,lant soldier. , The fi'iicing indlnu-;f had experienced raliier a dili'milt joij ,in the matter of explaining to liiui Uie .various ways of using the sword. ; " Now," lie said, ' how would you use ( 'the sword if your opponent feinted !" " Beda'd,' said Pat, with gleaming ■ eyes, "I'd just tickle him with th - point to sec if he was shamming."

, Friend : " How about that submarine vessel you invented ? Could you make it stay down ?"

Inventor: ''Yes; but the stupid thing wouldn't come up again !"

, " 1 diagnose all my eases from the patient's eyes" said a doctor empnatically. "Now, your right eye tells me that your liver is affected.'' " Excuse me, doctor," the patient remarked, " but my right eye is a glass one !"

Hunker : " Hallo, Ricketts, when is your marriage to Miss Flirte coming off t"

Rieketts : "It has been indefinitely postponed."

" What's the trouble J" ' Oh, she married another fellow."

Aubery : " I say, old chap I suppose you can't lend me a fiver ?"

Plantagenet : "No, my dear boy; but a ma;', with your capacity for guessing the right tiling ought to be able ,to win a fortune on the Turf."

Reefer: "Dumps looks awfully down in the mouth. What's the matter with him ?"

Banks : " Well, the other evening he was doing the amiable to his sweetheart heart, don't you know—petting her and all that, and he absent lnindcdlv called her Kitty." Reefer: "Well, what of that?'' Banks: "Her name's Eva."

A Belfast insurance clerk sent his .card to his Horest last week wilpii a young lady's address on one side and the following note on the other: /'Angthing will do for this girl." When the clerk called that evening the clerk met him with his bouquet, handed ,it to him, and slammed the door in his ,facc. The florest had tied his card, bearing the address, to the flowers; but written in a feminine >hand below his .not'e was, " There is one thing that will do for this girl, and you are it."

One night at a theatre some seen- 1 ery took fire, anil a very perceptible odour of burning alarmed the spectators. A panic seemed to be imminent, .when an actor ap|>earcd on the stage. "Ladies and gentlemon," he 'sai'il, 'compose yourselves. There is no ilan«er." The audience did not seem reassured. '"Ladies and gcntli'iiien.7 coiiti'nu'ed the comedian, rising to the necessity of Ihe occasion, " confound it all; do'you think if there was any danger I'd be. here ?" Tire panic collapsed.

Golfer : " You've caddicd for me before. Will you give me some hints bo. fore we start

Sandy: "Weel, if ye'll just no dae what ye're gaean to dae ye'll no dae sac bad !''

She: "It certainly must mean something when a man puts a diamond ring on a girl's finger." He (of bitter experience) : "It often means that he owes some jewellery fifteen or twenty pounds."

_ Emily (playing "house"): "Now, I'll be Mamma and you'll be papa, and little Ben and Bessie will be our babies."

Willie (after a moment, anxiously) : "Ain't it about time to whip the children

, "Were you 'frightened during the battle, Pat ?" asked a sergeant of an Irishman who had received his "baptism of fire."

"Not a bit, sor," replied Pat. "Oi can fac-e most anything when Oi have nic back to it."

, Ellison: "Halloa, dear boy, you look very sad this morning. What's 'the . trouble ?" Green: "I've just undergone an annoying operation." Ellison : " What is it ?" Green : " I had my allowance cut off.

Ginx was discovered in the backyard kicking himself. "Why .this strcnuosity asked one of his neighbours. "Last week I sent half a crown in answer to an advertisement offering a method of saving gas bills," answered Ginx, "and I just received the information."

. " Well," queried the neighbour. It was in the form of a printed .slip directing me to paste them in a .scrap-book," replied the victim, as he braced himself for another kick.

T ain't got no money, your worship," exclaimed a eoster who was fined ten shillings the other day for disorderly conduct, "but if you'll take it out in bloaters, things could harranged ns hamical as possible." Lawyer: "You say the prisoner stole your watch? What distinguishing Veiture was about the watch."

Witness: "I had my sweetheart's picture in it."

Lawyer: "Ah, I see. A woman in the case."

In the town of Ballinagh lived a butcher, who was famed "for selling tough meat. A countryman went in one day to purchase some. "Well, my good man," asked the butcher, '• is it for frying or boiling you want it?"

"Neither," replied John. "It's <o make hinges for the stable door."

"I rather like your friend." Mrs. Page said, graciously, after C'arr had gone home. "He is good-looking and agreeable, but you cant call him a brilliant conversationalist. The Lawton "iris talked all around him." , "

uarr cannot talk on a subject unless ne knows something about it."

! t Sunday it was. Wife very ill. Did the best I could for her. Monday morning, no better. Not an atom of life in her. Worried me. .Started oIY for a doctor. Happy thought struck We. ent back. Cure complete." '"\ou don't say so! How was that?" "Easy as pie. .Tust said. 'Too bad my dear! This is (lie first sale-dav and you're ill in bed!' * ' '

"'What?' she cried, ' l[u\v shipid of me to forget!'

"In five minutes, my boy, she was up and dressed."

"Wouldn't it have been cheaper to have had a doctor?"

"Kick me—kick' mo hard! Of couric it would!"