WIT AND HUMOR.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LI, Issue 222, 12 September 1908, Page 4

WIT AND HUMOR.

I'OOll CHARLES! j Mrs. Clannvhoopci, a fashionable lady, 1 has a pet parrot of which she is very fond. She has also a husband of whom she is not very fond. A few days ago her husband was monkeying with the parrot, when he suddenly cried out in anguish and danced round the room, holding his lingers in his mouth. ' "Good gracious! What's the matter, Charles?" said .Mrs. Uamwhooper, " That parrot,'' ejaculated the suffering man. " I hope you haven't hurt the dear bird.''

"No; but the dear bird has bitten a piece out of my linger." "Great goodness! I hope it didn't bite it clean out." "Yes, it did."

" 1 wish you would be more careful, Charles. The man 1 bought that bird from told me not to let it taste meat under any circumstances." INSTRUCTED HEI!. "Is this the literary editor';" The lacing reporter looked up, and discovered a young lady standing in the doorway. "No, madam.' he replied; "I suppose you have brought an original story, and wain the literary editor lo commune willi it';" " Yes, sir," replied the young lady, " 1 have written, a story, and mamma thinks it is very good." "Is there anything in it about the leaves turning to golden, and the velvety green of the leaves looking sere aud brown? Because if there is, it won't do. The dull-red glow of the dying ember racket is what we shall show the public from now until autumn. Got any dving embers"in your story?"

" No, sir, Mine is a love stor.v." "That's all right.' Tlie dull red glow of dying embers works in beautifully in a love story." " But why must 1 write my story in that particular style';" asked the young lady. " Because it's the season for it. You want to start out by saying that as Harold Nonesuch, the rich banker, sat in his magnificently-furnished parlour, and gazed thoughtfully into the dull red embers of the dying fire iu the grate, there came trooping up from the dim vista of an almost forgotten past, memories—sad. sail memories—that caused the unhidden tear to start. Don't make any mistake about the tear business; and be sure to have only one tear, because that's the orthodox style ill stories. And be certain it is an unbidden tear. A tear that received a cordial invitation ts be present and start would not do at all. Then say the old man's thoughts wandered back to the happy days of his childhood, lie certain to have them wander back. If you were to say his thoughts went back the story would he spoiled. ' Wander 'is the correct style. Then when you get the old man back to his boyhood days you want to trot out Lucv." "Trot out who?" " Lucy—little Lucy Perkins—with h"r great blue eyes and golden hair—the playmate of his youth that he loved so dearly and always looked upon as his future wife. Then lug out unothei unbidden tear, and finally have the )ld man break down in a storm of sobs. ' " It's very sad. isn't it?" said the voung lady. Lucy died. 1 suppose, and the old mail's heart is breaking." j "No," said the racing reporter; "Lucy mnrried another mnin." "Then nvhat makes the banker wee))';' inquired the maiden. " Sympathy for the other man." PRESCRIBING UP-TO-DATE.

With a view to advancing the scientific accomplishments and popularising the " practice" of our lady doctors of the period, we beg to present young feminine practitioners with a few highly useful prescriptions , for their pretty patients. Lady Doctor: "Well, my dear, and how are you feeling to-day?" Interesting invalid: "Not much better, doctor. Do you know, I feel so awfully depressed." Lady Doctor: "Depressed? Put out your tongue, please. Ah, yes, just what 1 thought. Now, to remove that feeling of depression, I'll order you a new bonnet." Interesting Invalid: "And then I feel so dreadfully cold, 1 can't get warm anyhow." • Lady Doctor: "That's very bad. WeM, in addition to the new bonnet, 1 will give you a velvet coat, lined and trimmed with real fur. to be applied to the back. IMhink that will relieve you."

(Interesting Inrti'Kd: fiTlien, too, i can't sleep; at night." Ladv Doctor: "Dear, dear! You really must'take more exercise. You must positively go to the opera c" ller than Interesting Invalid: "But it seems quite an exertion to .stir from .the Ladv Doctor: "Of course, I understand.' Now, if I prescribe von a couple of silk dresses, do vou think you could take them'*" Interesting Invalid: "1 am sure ] will try anvtliing if 1 can only get well. I have slich dreadful dismal thoughts: 1 fancy all sorts of shocking things." Lady Doctor: ''We must be patient. We can't expect to be cured in a moment. I will tell you what we must do. To-night you shall put your feet in new boots, and, whenever you go out. be very carelul to wrap round your throat a thick and new gold chain. You must cheer us. 1 will tell your husband to give yon a stimulating dlraught. which the'v make up for you at the banker's, and then I think you slnul do very .nicely, (lood morning."