SOME GOOD STORIES.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LI, Issue 213, 29 August 1908, Page 4

SOME GOOD STORIES.

A HONEI'MOON STORY. it seems to be a natural instinct witii new y-marricd people to avoid publicity. " Henry," sa .id one happy wife of a few hours, " you must remember that 1 don't, want anybody to think that I'm a bride, and so we must behave as if we were old married people. Don't forget." The lady retired to dress for an evening walk. When she carue down, however, Henry had disappeared. 'After a two hours' absence, the truant husband returned with some new-found friends. He had been playing billiards, and met tie reproaches of his griefstricken bride with the jocular answer: "Well, you said we were'to behave as if we were old married people. 1 thought you'd bo pleased with me."

A DOUBLE MISTAKE. The Bishop of London tells a good story of the late Lord Salisbury, under whose roof lie was once staying at the same time as King {Jdward. Lord Salisbury was, of course, noted for hit-absent-mindedness, "Do you know what Lord Salisbury .'sas just said about you?" asked the King, calling tile great ecclesiastic aside. "He pointed you out and said: - Who is that young-looking cleric!'" Then, to spare the Bishop's embarrassment, the King continued: "But you need not mind that. 1 just showed him the latest photograph of myself, and alter looking at it lor a couple of minutes in sorrowful silence, he. said sympathetically: 'Poor old Buller! Not a beauty, is he'/'"

THE SEEDS WERE THERE. Farmer Nubbins (shouting across the garden fence to his next-door neighoour): " Hi, there, what are you trying to bury in that hole';" Neighbour: "Oh, I'm just planting some of my garden seeds." Nubbins: "Warden seeds, eh? Looks to me thunderiug like one of my hens!'' Neighbour: "That's all right. The seeds are inside." A MEAN THICK. Young incorrigible (in the presence of witnesses): "Hulio, Tighl^urso; you don't happen to have brought out a liver with you, do you?" Old Tiglitpurse (before the same): "Certainly not, sir." What's more, if I had 1 shouldn't lend it to you." ¥oung Incorrigible (chuckling): " Oh, it isn't that; but I've just picked up a pocket-book with your card and a livepound note in it. Well, here's the card. I'll keep the liver."

HE ! D SHOWN ENOUGH. For two hours the fashionable lady kept the draper exhibiting his goods, and at the end of that period she sweetly asked: "Are you quite sure you have shown me everything you have?" "No, madam," said the draper, with an insinuating smile, " I have yet an old account iu my ledger which 1 shall very gladly show you." He did not need to show any more. The lady left the shop spying she would call again another day.

THE VALUE OF LOGIC. The following is one of Mr. W. \V. Jacobs' most popular anecdotes: A counsel defended a man accused of house-breaking in this way: ' "Your lordship," he said, "I submit that my client did not break into the bouse at all. lie found the drawingroom window open, and merely inserted, his right hand and removed a few trifling articles. Now, gentlemen, my client's arm is not himself, and 1 fail to sec how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed only by one of his limbs." •' That argument," admitted the judge indulgently, is extremely well put. Following it logically, I sentence the prisoner's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The prisoner smiled blandly, and with his lawyer's assistance unscrewed his cork, arm, and leaving it in the dock, walked out.

A GROSS INJUSTICE. Uncle George: "What arc you crying about, Tommy?" Tommy: " Teacher whipped mc because 1 was the only ono (boo hoo!) ablo to answer a question in school to-day." Uncle George (indignantly): "This is outrageous, my boy. I'll see that teacher myself. What was the question?" Tommy (sobbing): "Who put the tack in teacher's chair."

ONLY ONE OBJECTOR. " Does your papa object to my calling , upon you, Miss Dolvers?" " Not in the least, Mr. Spudds." "Does your mamma?" " No." "Do your brothers?" " 1 think not." " Then 1 don't see any harm in coming." " But there is one member of the family yuu neglected to ask about, and who does object to your coming most heartily." "I thought I had named them all, but now I think of it 1 did omit to ask about your pug." "Oh, Fido docsirt mind you." "Then who is it objects to my coming to see you?" "It is only 1, Mr. Spudds."

MISTOOK THE INSTRUMENT. A parish beadle was lately much exercised at the appearance of a strange old gentleman who, when the sermon was about to begin, took an car trumpet in two parts out of his pocket, and began screwing them together. The beadle watched him until the process was completed, and then stealthily going up to him whispered: "Ye niiiuua play that here. If yc dae, I'll turn ve oot!"

THE HAND PROBLEM. They were out for a stroll. She noticed her husband throw a glance at her, and then look about the ground in a very decided manner, as though in search of something. "What is the matter, James?" she inquired, beginning to feel anxious. "Have you loslt anything?" "'1 am looking to see if 1 can find out why it is," was his response. "It is incomprehensible to me and I should like to have it explained." "What is it? she asked quietly. She began to grasp the situation; she had had similar experiences, and meant to get even at the first chance. "1 can't understand why you are holding your skirt with one hand. Your dress isn't long, and a careful look round fails to reveal any sign of mud—it hasn't rained for a week." "Oh, that is easily explained," returned (lie lady sweetly; " I do that because 1 have no trousers pocket to stuff it into." lie muttered something about it being useless to talk to a woman, took his hands out of his pockets, and swung them about to the inconvenience of tin pedestrians.

CHEERFUL NEWS. A little boy who had been naughty was reprimanded by his mother, and to make him feel the enormity of his offence she told him that ho had broken one of the Commandments. "Oh, well, mother," he replied with alacrity, and his voice had a cheerful ring in it, "now I have only got nine more to break." JOKING WITH THE POST OFFICE. Few actors, it is said, have a sense of humour, but Mr. Tree is an exception; ho has a particularly strong one, which is frequently responsible for a refined sort of practical joking. On one occasion he strolled languidly into a crowded and asked in his far-away melancholy manner if lie could buy stamps there. He was told". "Yes, certainly." "Then can you let me look at some?" he asked, The post-office clerk gave him a strange look, and handed a book of , stamps across to him. / He looked critically through the book, examined a shilling stamp and a fourI penny one in his thoughtful way, and I then asked if that were all they could produce. '• Yes, that is all," was the acid answer. ! "Thank you," said Mr. Tree sadly. "I'm afraid they're not quite what I want. I could not possibly put any of (hose on my correspondence. Their form, colour, and general design do not please me. Good-moming." '