WIT AND HUMOR.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LI, Issue 202, 15 August 1908, Page 3

WIT AND HUMOR.

TRY THIS ON YOUR CLEVER FRIEND. A reputed humorist went ,„>i ~ his lair the ether day, amnion \ ed our ollicc, where lie discovered tun. "-' "Why," sai.l the li.ll -is ~ ,„.,„ „., im -on London on a fogg ■' i 'v «„ has not seen C £„,S 'on logg} day like a ham sandwich''" ~" 1 "? "" "»•" si,id 'he victim suspiciously. * " it's easy,'' ijuoth tile K 11

'"Why," was the reply, •■ 011e „ "Of course 1 do, yol , j lmaU , r swered the victim ■■ , im w , mt in t " !« oi Id lias the sandwich tod., with it?" lliats where you bite," said the joker, as the Figbting mior assi t , him to reach (he street, ■REYEALED. An insurance agent was trying „, induce a hard mini to deal with to take out a policy on his house. After listen' "if? to him for an hour, while he paintoil in vivid colours (he extreme .languor lire consuming the house, the hard man to. deal with said:

"Do you renllv think it likely tli-1 my house will burn down within tl,;. time that the policy will runv" " Certainly," replied the agent. "Have I not been trying to convince vou al. this time that I dor"

/•Then," said the hard man to deal with " why is your company so anxious to bet me money that it will nof" The agent, silent and thoughtful for a moment, drew the other part into a-i unfrequented place, and whispered iii " My friend, I will impart to you a dark secret. Years ago the cniiipanv disgraced me before my sweetheart. Under an assumed name I have wormed mysidf into its service for revenge, and as there is a heaven above us, 1 will have its heart's blood!" TOO MUCH DEVOTION. ft was his vacation, and they were seated under the branches of a great apple tree, contented with each other's i society and silently communing with Nature. His arm had inadvertently found its way about her slender forni. and her head had gradually found a rest-ing-place upon his manly, padded shoulder. They were dreaming of the happy days to come, when together they should walk over the varied pathway o"f life, when she suddenly turned her inciting eyes upon him and half whispered: '' Will you always be contented with my society, AddyV" (ill's name was Adolplms, and she called him Addy for short.)

I "Always, darling," lie murmured, and the pressure about her form increased. " Vou will never, never grow tired of me, but constantly remain by my side?" "Constantly, Angv," he 'said. (Her name was Angeline.) •■Remember, Addy, dear, we are to be together for a lifetime. Vou are sure you would not weary of my presence?" "Sure," lie whispered, fervently, as he brushed a spider from her dress. " Angv, I will be always at your feel, always close to youT sweet form to guard and protect my treasure from the dangers and trials of this wicked, bad world," and lie looked volumes of love into her blue eyes.

" Vou will never, never desert me for another woman; you will keep firm in your love,, and remain faithful until death calls one or the other of us to,a ■better world?" she asked, switching a large fly from her ear. "Nothing that folks might say will ever tempt you lo desert my side'.'"

"Nothing, nothing, Angv," he said. : 'The whole world might rise up against, you, but it would find me still steadfast in my love. Oceans may separate us, we may be parted for years, but neither lime nor space shall influence my devotion. I'm yours till death," he sai.l, passionately, as he grabbed a large lieetle that was slowly making its way ii]) his leg. " Yes, yours till death, my iicarl bevon "

" Here', get up," she said suddenly, edging, away from him; "I don't know about that. Vou are altogether too constant. 1 never could stand so much devotion. I'm not one of those girls who enjoy having a man knocking around under foot all the time, and I'm afraid you won't do." ami she left him a crushed reed, broken by the wilfulness of woman.

HAD OOXE OFF. The following anecdote shows how a young gentleman made money liy publishing a .hook of poems. He himself had his doubts, especially after it -hail appeared, whether it would pay; and when good-natured friends said, " You will he half ruined," ho was inclined to agree with them. At lust, in fear and trembling, lie wrote to the publisher to know the worst, which he had calculated at a loss of €8(1.

"Let me know how many of the edition have gone oil'," ran his humble epistle, "and what is the balance 1 owe VOH."

The publisher wrote back:— " Dear sir,—Your edition has gone, oil', leaving a balance of .121) in your favour. Cheque enclosed." The poet was in the seventh heaven--yet he was not satisfied. He rushed 1o the publisher to inquire who had bought his book—friends, enemies, Smith's bookstalls, or who. "My dear sir, I 1 liink you liad better not ask." '■Not ask; why not? You write to say the edition has been all sold; if nn'isl have been sold to somebody." "Pardon me— I wrote that if had ■gone oil''; so it had, the whole of it. There was a Jive in the warehouse, and the contents 'were insured." COT IT JL'ST THE SAME. A popular school in the north of Shropshire (England) rejoices ill the possession of a second master of a highly original turn of mind. Some time ago one of the biggest pupils in the school, who takes the lead iu all the exploits of fresh and enthusiastic youth, was •'• called up " for a brief interview. One of the parties to tlie discussion was a long lithe cane, guaranteed to curl around a fellow and make him sing. ••Bend down," observed the second master, insinuatingly. "Shci'n't" remarked the pupil, who was a fair head and shoulders taller than the pedagogue. -I ln«r your pardon?" said the hitler. -ShaVt!" repeated the lad: "so lake it out of that. I'm not going to be caned: I'm not a boy." ••Oh. very well," said the .master. ■' very well;'if vou won't lie treated as a boy. come downstairs and be treated as a man." , . He took oil' his coat as he spoke and rolled up his sleeves. They adjourned to the playground, and the cocky youngster, revelling in his superior build, ami the 'diminutive second master had a setIn In about ten minutes the second master had given Ihe lad as sound a thnshin" as ever be had in his lite, and subsequently he prevailed upon him to lake a gentle caning in the sanctity or an upper room. Tlievc is no moral to this story.

why ires MARRY. T„ (lit- N'orth of F.nglaud, where rabbit coursing is a Rveat sport, swat, welltrained dogs often win large sums in prize,- ponsoquoiitly, (lu> owner* of these animals bestow mucli attention on them. An old Yorkshire collier, well known for his success in the coursing .field recently surprised nil Ins iriends l,v marrying'a very unprepossessing wo man. ~ , , , , •'Why hast I lion got spliced, lad. a! thy age'?" one of his friends asked him. '"() ii that's not much of a tale," answered tl Id man. " T agree \vi' \c ■at IVlsv yonder is no beauty, if she had been I'shouldn't have wed her. Hat thai there dog' "' mine, he was simply nin'ni" for someone t" hmk alter lnni ■while'"l was away al the pit. T couldn't bear to leave him In the house by his- „■» s» 1 hit on the idea of niavryi-i..; TSelsv. She's not 'amlsonie, but she s mighty good company for t'dog." CASK DISMISSED. Ma-istratc: -You admit that you entcrciflhc house of the prosecuting witness by the door al two o'clock m I lie morning';" Prisoner- "Yes. vnnr honour. Mtvislrate: " What business had you therc'al that lime of night?" Prisoner: " 1 tboaghl it was my own house." }r-i"is(rato: "Then, why did you. wh-ui this Pule ni>proac>d von, leap Hiv.ni.'h ih ( . window, jump into the tistern, and hide yourself?" Prisoner'. "I was late lioiae from (lie dub, and I thought it was my wife/'

WL WHAT^AJSUKWUSE. «i»ith: " llmd the most singular thinhappen to me the other .lav Did von over g„ i Jlt „ a man's pl ;Ut! TV pay a' you owed h„n, and hud him «„[»" Jones (emphatically): "No, sir. Did Dial happen to y u u'<" " H did. I had a notion, or, rather nerved myself up to it, to settle some' hills that I owed. So on inv way up rom the ollicc I dropped in to see mv fishmonger." "And ho was out?" " Correct. Then 1 tried inv grocer." " lie was out:" "Right. Plenty of shopmen, but no proprietor. Of course, 1 left word that I called in (o settle up, but wanted to sec the proprietor first. Dispute ab'oui bills. Do you twigv" . /jOli, yes, that strengthens your cred-

" Exactly. Then I called to see my butcher, and I'll be hanged if he wasn't out also!" "My .love! but you were iu luck!" "No, 1 wasn't." ■ "Why not?" "Why not?' " When I got home 1 found them all waiting for me!" HOW'S THAT! Oood-natured Umpire (to gentleman very fully developed fore and aft. w'io has just taken guard): -Could vou stand a little further ho/I', sir? The bowler can't see your wicket." (lent.: "If I stand any further away 1 can't gel my bat in front of the stumps." Umpire: "Well. Bill, we must 'ave it this way: If you 'its the gent, anywhero's in front it'll be 1.b.w., and if you 'its 'im anywheres behind it'll be a wide."

M'MI'S ALL UOL'ND. "Professor" .Bumps, the travelling phrenologist, was decidedly partial to publichouses. where he managed not only to quench-Ws horrible thirst at the expense of others, but to leave with solidtiling ill his pocket. tin entering the Snapdragon the other day he at once found clients for bumpy intelligence at twopence a lime. "Have a go at mine, lad," said a hurlv navvy.

Whereupon the landlord whispered in the Professor's capacious ear, "He's awfullv fond of mutton." After setting forth to the assembled company the navvy's outstanding characteristics, he went on: "And how, my friends, if there is anything iu tiie world this gentleman is fond of it is mutton, lie will " But ere lie could finish the sentence the imvvv had knocked the phrenologist to the lloor and raised quite a number of humps on his head. The Professor afterwards ascertained that his subject had just finished a term of imprisonment for sheep stealing. IN THE TUNNEL. A parly of young people were, recently travelling on'a certain line of the London and North-Wcstern Kailway. On one. side were a young lady and a young gentleman who iuul'been very attentive to her; ou the opposite seal sat their friends, one of whom was a sportive young huh. fond of -iractieal jokes, and rather deliaiil of public opinion. As the train dashed through a short and very dark tunnel she leaned over and imprinted a resonant kiss on the. cheek of the young ladv in front of her. A scream followed, and laughter came from the darkness all over the car. As the train ran into lay light the insulted young lady turned on her innocent escort, and with snapping eyes and llaming cheeks said:— , ... . " How dare you insult me m tins I manner?" •'I assure you," he said, stammering in confusion'at the strangeness of his position, " that 1 have done nothing. '•'Nothing!" she repealed, and buret into tears. The passengers now ceased laughing, and looked at the unfortunate young fellow indignantly. The sportive young lady wrote a note next day and explained matters. The voting couple were reconciled, niarrie.l, and the other young lady was not invited to their wedding.

PITY TO WASTB IT. .lack: "I have a chance to marry a poor girl whom 1 love., or a rich woman ■whom 1 do not love. What would you "''f'eoiie- -f/)ve is the salt of life, my friend. 0 Without it all ,else is naugat Love-pure iove-makes poverty weallu, naiu a iov. earth a heaven. 1 ,iaek:'"'Kno»sli! I will marry Ui.' uoor "irl whom 1 love." ' (Vow- "liravelv spoken! By the way. w-oiihl you-er-mind introducing ~„,',„ (he ,-u-li woman whom you do not love'.'" -Did you sav that dog's bark was worse than his bite?" '■M'hcii for goodness' sake, keep him from harking: he has just bitten me. '■ Yes, I remember him." said Alkali Ike "lie died very sudden.'' "'lloart disease?" asked the Hasten, tourist. , , . " Waal now, 1 don t know as you kin say it was the heart any more',, the club, spade, or diamond. Anyway, lie dealt hisself four aces." '•'Well, how do you think you II f<o on?" said the sergeant to a ivcruit ii, the police force, who had been told oil 1,,,, night duty. •M)h". it'll 1"' all rigid,' he sank " -My mother's coming round with, me tor 111? first night or two." '•' What would you say,' said the pra,.ln't of woe. " if I were to tell you that jin a short space of lime all the rivers in this country would dry up?" •■I would say," replied the patient man, " 'Go. and do thou likewise,'"