WIT AND HUMOR.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LI, Issue 190, 1 August 1908, Page 4

WIT AND HUMOR.

ABE BUTCHERS TENDER-HEARTED? "It must have been a very tenderhearted .butcher who killed this lamb?" said the cheerful boarder, pausing hi the sawing of his chop. "Why?" kindly asked the inquisitive man. ■ "He must have hesitated three or fours years before striking the fatal blow."

NOT A SUITABLE PERSON. "When a certain gentleman was appointed to an important post in the Admiralty, a friend called oil his wife to congratulate her upon her husband's elevation. " I don't believe it is true," she said to her visitor. "What makes you think it isn't true?" '• Because he isn't lit to direct the Navy. He can't even swim!"

WHY TIIEY FAILED. Arctic Explorer (recounting adventures of his last expedition): "We certainly could have reached the Pole bad not our out at a critiiil moment.'' Fair Listener (breathlessly): " Why— I—l thought that the Esquimaux dogs were perfectly tireless creatures." Arctic Explorer: •• 1— er—speak from a culinary view, madam."

MATCHED THE HAT. In a tramcar a few days ago a gcntLman said to a young lady of his acquaintance in her teens, on seeing that she had a deep scientific book in hei hand: •'Why, you select very deep literature for your reading. I had no idea that you were so studious." She answered: "Oh, is it a deep book? I did not know what to get from the library, so took this, as the cover, harmonises so beautifully with my hat. Did you cvur see a more perfect match?"

A GOOD RECORD. The wife of a wealthy manufacturer had occasion to call in the help of a new floor-polisher. "Do you understand your business thoroughly?" she queried. "All 1 ask, madam, is that you shall enquire for yourself at the colonel's next door. On the polished floor of his large dining-room five persons broke their limbs during last winter, and a lady slipped down the grand staircase. It was I who polished the floor and the stairs!"

NOT GROWN UP YET. It is told of a certain bishop that, while dining at the house of one of his friends, he was pleased to observe that he was the object of marked attention from the son of his host, whose ey s were iirmly riveted upon him. After dinner the bishop approached the boy, and asked:

" Well, my young friend, you seem to be interested in me. Do you find tint I am all right'/" " Ves, sir." replied the boy, with .1 glance at the bishop's knee-breeches. "You're all right', only"—hesitatingly—- " won't vour mamma let von wear trousers yet?"

AN AMPLE I!EWAIS.U. Inspector (to schoolgirl during examination) : " What is meant when it savs: 'He was amplv rewarded'!" (iirl: "Paid for it." Inspector: "No, you don't know thai. Suppose you were to go to the baker's shop and buy a half-quartern loaf and laid down fourpence, would you say you had "amplv rewarded the baker'?" (.iirl: "Yes, sir." Inspector: " Why?" (iirl: "Because it's only threepence." Collapse of inspector.

THE PILOT WAS ANXIOUS. A very fat captain, who had bc:if promenading the bridge for some time, noticed that his pilot's face wore a worried, puzzled expression. As lie approached him with a vie.v to inquiring what the trouble was. 'lk: pilot's anxious look gave place to one of relieved amusement.

"Well, what is it?"' asked the capt.iiu. With a fruitless' attempt to conce.il a smile the pilot replied:

" I couldn't understand what made ii'.e vessel heel over in such a peculiar manner, first to one side and then to the other." "And why was it? J trust thee, is nothing wrong," the captain said in great alarm. '■ Xo. cap'n," answered the pilot, adding rather reluctantly: "It was only yourself, sir; being rather heavy you gave the ship a list each time you crossed the bridge. No offence, sir!" THE PRICE OF FAME.

Few celebrities are more popular with autograph hunters than Dr. AV. (1. Grace. On one occasion when he was playing at Brighton, a small boy approached him, armed with album and fountain pen—he begged, and was given, the great cricketer's autograph. A few weeks later, at Lord's, "AV.G."

was iic'coslcd by the. same lad, with the same request. " But I wrote my name in your book last month at Brighton," said the doctor. "Yes," answered the boy. "But I swopped that for Dan Lcno and a bishop!"

TESTING THE TRUTHS. A small vouth, after having been impressed by'his parents as to the necessity of anchoring his faith on whatever he read iu the Bible, one day came on the verse in the Psalms: "If t say Peradvcnture the darkness shall cover me." It occurred to him that there was a chance of testing the literalucss of the fact, lie went straightway into the nursery, shut the door, and said: "Peradventure!"

Nothing happened. He repeated " Peradvcnture." lie said it a third time, a fourth, a liftli, a sixth and a seventh time; then he left the room in despair and went straight tn his mother. "Mother," he said, "you told me that even-thing in the Bible is true." "So it is, niv darling." she replied. "Xo, it isn't. I read: '.lf I say Pe,'ailventure the darkness shall cover inc.' 1 said ■ feradventurc ' seven times over ill the nursery, and the darkness did not cover me. It's as light as it was before I said it!"

SHARPER THAN HE LOOKED. The proprietor of a menagerie issued a placard offering twenty pounds to anyone who wqjild enter the cage of the lion. Towards the end uf the performance a rustic walked up to the liontamer and said: "Sir. I have come to earn the twenty pounds." The audience was horror-stricken. The lion-tamer replied with a derisive sneer: "So you want to go into the lion's

•■ol' course." said the rustic. "Come on. then. There, 1 will open the trap-door for you and you can step in." " Well, yes." said Hie countryman, turning to' the audience with a broad grin on his face, " I am going in, but the beast will have to come out lirst. You know the paper only says anyone going into the cage shall have tweiify pouuds."

THE AMBASSADOR'S RL'Slv The Ambassador in Paris of a cerium great Tower was extremely bald and verv desirous of concealing the fuel. For that purpose he had thirty-one wigs, with hair of varying length, one for caili day of Hie month. On the last day of each month i'c appeared in the morning wearing alonghaired wig, conversed for a few moments with his" attaches, then withdrew -n his dressing-room, whifher the barber speedily followed him. After about half an hour he would come forth, this time with a short-haired wig on his head, stand before the glass, and make some remarks like Ihe following:

»C has just been <-n)till:; my hai". but I'm iii'rniii he's not- been nuitc successful. It's tou short liL-re," pointing to a spot above tin- left <*nr. " and t<»> long there,'' designating some other P The attaches (who all knew the real state of the ease) would rcspectfully protost: "Mais noil, monsieur rAmbassadeur, lie Ins made a eapilnl iob of it." t « Well." the oliicf would vesuiue. "ie-w 'tis done. I suppose I must make the I bust of it." Then, with a sigh, he would turn to the. business of the day.