WIT AND HUMOR.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LI, Issue 160, 27 June 1908, Page 3

WIT AND HUMOR.

A SICLX (Jli WEAU'II. "And who live* in the big house opposite ?" "Mr. Flinders, sir, and Mrs. Flinders.•' "Ihey must be pretty well oil to live in a house like that?*' "Oh, yes, sir. very rich indeed. Why, they'd a golden wedding there tiie week befure hiat.'' lIIS EPiTAPII. Poet (after reading paper,): "On the wali oi the house where yhakespoaro lived a tablet has been placed. 1 wonder if anyone will do the same for me when 1 die?'

Friend: " lluther, old man. Of course they will." Poet: "And what inscription do you think will be put on the tablet?" Fnend: "liooni.to let." TOO FAMILJAIt. Mr. Feet, a rather dillidcnt man, was unable to prevent himself being introduced one evening tu a fascinating young lady, who, misunderstanding his mime, constantly addressed him as Mr. Peters ; much to the gentleman's distress. Finally, summoning up courage, he bashfully, but earnestly remonstrated: ! "Oh, don't call me Peters; call nm Pwt." i " Ah, but I don't know you well ! enough, Mr. Peters," said the young lady, blushing, as she playfully withdrew part way behind her tan. Sl'Cll A DIFFERENCE. Prince Kdward of M ales was once bciug examined in history, and among the questions the following was asked: "Who was Perkin \Varbeck'r" ** I'erkin Wai'beck was a pretender," replied the little Prince, "lie pretended lie was the son of a King, but he wasn't, lie was tin), soji of respectable parents!" THE ISSUE IX DOUBT. L.idy of the House (to cook, having discovered a policeman in the kitchen).

"iuu told mo when you taime here thai vou had no sweetheart.''

Cook; "Yes, 1 told you ao, and it's the truth, too." "Who, ihen, is the policeman in the kitchen, it' he is not your sweetheart?" >J\» isn't- my sw-eethetirt. indeed he isn't. He is only trying to be, and 1 doirt know whether he will .succeed or not." SilF'D AIENDKD TilK HAGS, A general, on his return from the wars, showed his family a regimental flag all tattered and torn, and riddled with bullets, which he had captured from the enemy with his own hands. On die following murning the trophy was to be presented by the general to the commander-in-chief. When he came to look for ihe Hag his industrious housekeeper brought it to him with a smile of proud satisfaction, and said: "I sat up all night and mended the flag, it now iooks nearly as good as new, sir."' STAKTIjIXU NEWS. A nervous yuung minister was once unexpectedly asked to address a large Sunday-school in the. Xortk of Ireland. Ail went well for a time, until be suddenly convulsed the scholars ami teachers alike by the following blunder: "Dear young friends, we should all lie ready for death: it Was only last week a very dear friend of mine was suddenly called homo. Sin* luul got up as usual, and gone down to breakfast; she took an egg, broke the shell, and had started to eat it, when a telegram containing bad news was brought to her. And, my dear yoiutg friends, the shock was too much for her weak heart—she finished that egg in Heaven."

A BEAUTIFUL FIT. I ' | Th« second-hand clothes dealer "was selling a suit to a very meek and easily | satisfied cuslomer. All went well until it came to a question of the "wrecks." Then: ! "Ain't they a bit on the big side, mister?"' asked the customer timidly. " llig? No fear! tteautiful lit! J jet :me brace 'em up lor you. There! >io l ,v they look lovely! And comfortable, too, i IS lay. ain't, they.'" The customer wriggled. " .Not bad., mister,"' lie said—" not bad. Only just a little bit tight under the arms!'' INQUISITIVE .TIAN! A CiM'tain business woman often takes letter* ami parcels ti> the j)ost ollice to be weighed. She has frequently been impressed by the weak and trivial curiosity of the male mind, for every time she handed in something to be weighed the busy man in charge stopped to turn n over and read the address. "And they talk of the curiosity of women/' s he thought. A few days ago she repeated this experience—up* to a certain point. The variations began when the examining male xaid cheerfully:

"Jt would Ik' a good idea, wouldn't it, for you to put on here the town papers are going; to? Ye», eertainly 111 write it for you. I've saved hundreds of communications from being lost in the hist three weeks by looking to see if they were directed all right, i don't bother about the men, but J. always luok at the ladies' letters." And the crushed business woman walked away with all the. sad dignity she could muster.

-MOTHER WOUIOT LIKE IT.

They wore having a spelling lesson at a certain school the other day, and the little scholars were all arranged in I'lout of the teacher away for dear life, trying to see how near they could get to the top of the class. I The word •* chimney" was given to ia little black-eyed girl, who had been spelling words correctly throughout the morning, but she missed this one by inadvertently leaving out the "h." Quick as a wink, the little boy next her pounced oil the word, and spelt it correctly. "Vou may go up one, Johunie." said the teacher. " I don't want to," whined Johnnie, getting ready to cry. ''My mother would whip me if I did. because I'd get all over soot." HOW JIK (iAINEJ). A merchant who recently failed called ali creditors together and offered to settle with them at ten |»er cent., giving them his notes, payable in thirty days. As most of the creditors had little hope of getting anything, they eagerly accepted tin* proposition. One man, however. >tood out for better terms, and all c'l'orts to get him to agree were futile. Finally the bankrupt took liini out into the hall, and said:

" When you come in and sign with the others I will make you a preferred creditor/'

" All right," said the objector. ''Under those circumstances i will agree to a sett lenient."

The papers were signed, and all the creditors left except, the one who had been told he was lo be preferred. " What are you waiting for?'-' said the man who had failed.

" \\ hy, you said i was to be preferred, r am waiting to know what 1 am going to get." " Well, I'll tell you—you will get nothing/'

**' let nothing? "Wliy, you promisufl lo inula- nie a preferred creditor if 1 WfHiM >ign like the rest." '■" And -so you are. j make you preferred. J tell you now yon get nothing. The others unit thirty days before they know it, and I lieu they get nothing.'' * W'KLlj MARKUm. A Orman hunker, travelling by rail in a iivst-ehv* carriage towards Vienna, had a> a fellow traveller at one of the intermediate slatious an old gentleman u ho entered inio conversation, and proved very pleasant. The bunker got out before his companion, and, before he did so. asked the latter how far he was going. The gentleninn replied: "To Vienna. 5 ' " I have a daughter very veil married there, said the banker. ''j should like In gire you a Note of introduction to her.'' "1 have also ;i daughter very well married there," said the other. ""Would it l)e too gtteat a liberty to ask the name?" My daughter," the gentleman an*wered, ''is married to the Emperor of Austria." ...', • H was the King of Bavaria,

WHY WE SLEEP If it were always daytime we should never sleep. * 0 says a scientist. There is 110 particular reason why wo, or any other animals, should rest, on an average, eight or nine hours a day. Ihe period of rest has been determined by the fact that eight hours is the average time when there is a lack of sufficient light to enable Us to move about in comfort. This most fundamental distinction between day and night is -wholly relative to the sense of sight. It only aiVects those types of life wliieh have developed eyes. " _ ■ ■ Plants, l>eing dependent for heir growth upon the action of rays of sunlight which fall upon their leaves, have a wide distinction between day and night functions. They eat and digest in the light, and grow during the hours of darkness.

The lowest forms of animal life—the sightless denizens of ocean depths—do not rest at. regular intervals. They prowl round incessantly, seeking prey by the sense* of touch alone. When they rest it is at irregular periods. In other words they have no distinct periodicity of their pwn. But as soon is eyes are developed and in proportion to this development, animals begin to divide their time into two main portions—a waking and a sleeping time. While there is light they perform all motive functions; when darkness comes they retir<« to nest t. lAir to rest.