WIT AND HUMOR.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LI, Issue 148, 13 June 1908, Page 4

WIT AND HUMOR.

BOXED UP. Mrs. Waddle was in quite a state, of excitement when the new gramophone arrived, and thinking to give the parrot a surprise, she started the instrument off with -Hocked in the Cradle of the Keen," as sung by .Mr. Waddle in Ins most approved drawingroom fashion. At the very lirst note Polly opened her eyes in surprise, and then Hew to her perch, where she rocked herself to and fro in deep and speechless astonishment, while the machine ground out the air. "There, Polly." said Mrs. Wadd'.e, when the song bad xonic to an end. " What do you think of that 1" "Jly word,'' shrieked the old bird, his head on one side, and winking wickedly, "my word, my word, my word! \\e've got the old man boxed-up this time, and no mistake!''

TRUTHFUL. JAMES. "James," said Mr. Smith, as he gazed into his son's eye, with a soul-searching loot, " have you eaten any of those peaches 1 put in the cupboard?'' "Father,'' replied .lames, "1 cannot tell a lie. I have not touched one." Mr. Smith eyed him wrathfully. and plunging his hand into the bottom of hie coat, drew Ivrth live incriminating stones, each of which had 'been enshrined in the luscious ltesh of a peach, but which were now standing in all their horrid nakedness. "Then how is it," said the parent, "that I found these peach-stories in your liedroom, and there is only one peach left in the cupboard!" "Father," answered James, as he silently but swiftly made towards the door, placing a heavy chair in such a position that Mr. Smith would fall over it—''father, I still cannot tell a lie; that is the one I never touched!"

fWHAT PRICE? Honeymooning in the Alps. They were climbing the .vhunpfelgapfeiopitzen peak, and she stood above him some twenty feet. "What ho!" ho gasped. "What do you see?" " Far, far below," sin? cried, '■ 1 see a long white streak, stretching like a paper ribbon almost back to our hotel!" "Ha, ha!" he ejaculated. "I'll bet it's that blessed hotel bill overtaking usl" And they proceeded onward and upward. News reaches Loudon Punch from a private source of the wonderful and satisfactory effect the Highlanders are having on the Zakha Khels. No sooner do the wild tribesmen catch sight of the skirted warriors than with a cry of "Look out —here come the Sulliag ettes!" they disappear as if by magic. The latest story of German "thrift' is told at the expense of the proprietor ot a circulating library, who charged for the wear and tear" suffered by his liooks at the hands of his patrons, tine volume came back to his scrutiny. "See here," he exclaimed, " there i s a liole on page nineteen ot my beautiful book. And see here," he went on, turning over the leaf, "there is auother on page twenty." A traveller waited at a certain English provincial town in vain for a much overdue train on the branch line. Agaiu he approached the solitary sleepy-look-ing porter and inquired for the twenti eth tinie, "Isn't that train coming soon?" At that moment a dog came trotting up the line, and a glad sinile illuminated the official's face. "Ah, [ ye*-, sir," replied the porter. " It'll he getting near now. Here comes the engine-driver's dug." An American actor was once seeing London from the top of a 'bus. As they -wung down the Strand he asked the driver to point out the places o' interest. " Kight you are, sir," agreed the driver, touching his hat. "There's Luggit 'ill, where they 'ang 'em." A little later: "There's parliment 'ou-es. where they make the laws wot doe- it! across the way. An' there's Westminster Uabbcy, where they buried the good 'uns wot didn't get a'nged!" Congressman John Sharp Williams tells a new story. During the recent Mississippi gubernatorial campaign the. Honourable Jeff Truly was one of the unsuccessful aspirants for the majority suffrage of his fellow-citizens. Prohibition doctrines ligured in the struggle, and seemed very important to a Methodist minister. " Brother Truly,"' said the minister, "1 want to ask'you a question. Do you ever take a drink of whisky?" "Befo' I answer that," responded the wray Brother Truly, " I want to know whether it is an inquiry or an invitation." ' I

Thackeray got into trouble by copying some of his characters too "closely from life, notably when he -put Ids friend, Arthur Arrhdeknc. into - Pen-denni-t" as the ever delightful Marry Foker. Although TlMckeray meant no unkindnesK, Archdekne never quite forgave him. One night, just after Thackeray hail delivered hi- first lecture on " The Kngli-h Humorists." Archdekne met him at the Cider-Cellar Club, surroimdctl by a coterie who were offering their congratulations. "How are you, Thaiki" cried Archie; "I was at vour show to-day at Willis's. What a lot of swells you had there—yes! Hut I thought it was dull—devilish dull! I will tell you what it is, Thack, you want a piano." The ethics of the difference between the professional opinion of a paid advocate and the honest conviction of a learned man were set forth by a well-known English barrister who died recently. It was a case of murder, and the client and counsel were closeted together. '•Smith" said the barrister. "of course I know you didn't murder the man." hut. as a matter of fact, did you do it with the butt end of a re volyer or with a stick;'' "Sir." said Smith, "I swear I am innocent." "I know that perfectly well, but you must lell me. For if you did it with a revolver I shall say to the prosecution. •produce the stick!' and if you did it with a stick. I shall say, 'produce the revolver!'" The client paused and scratched his head meditatively. •• ft was the butt end of a revolver, sir.' "That'- right!" said ihe counsel; " I tliink 1 can get you off now."

Sir Kdwin tainj-ecr, the famous ani-mal-painter, had an old servant—hibuller. valet, and faithful slave—named William, who was particularly assiduous in guarding the outer portal; no one could by any possibility gain direct acee-s to Sir Edwin. The answer would invariably lie, -Sir lledwin is not at 'oine.'" Tlii- Prince Consort himself once received this answer when he called, amplified on that occasion by the assurance that he "had gone to a "wedding." an entire fiction on William's part, a- the prince found out. for on walking boldly in and round the garden, he noticed Sir Edwin looking mil of his studio window. This was the faithful attendant who. one dav. when a liiai bad died at the Zoo, and his corpse came up in a four-wheeled cab to be painted from, startled bis ma-tcr with the i|Uestion. "Please, Sir llclv in. did .'on border a lion!''

Charles O'Conor and .fame W. '.vi ! ard were once opposed to each oilier in an important trial. When Mr. "I on nor produced his first wilne-s. Mr. Ocrard rose and said: "My O'Conor. what I do you propose to show by this w' 1 ne-s?" Mr. O'Conor told what he wi-h ed to prove. "It is u-elcs- to wa-te the time of the court and jury in prm ing that." said the other: "1 admit it." Mr. O'Conor then called his next wit liess. and the same question and answer were repeated. "1 admit it." said Air. lieiard: "don"t let lis waste time." Another witness began, and Mr. Ocrard interrupted: "I admit all you say you are going to prove. Let us hurry along." With a rapidity which almo-t took (I'-'onor's breath away, all the facts which Ik' had accumulated were aceptod wholesale. There he re-led his ca-e. aud Oerard. for the defence, called no witne—i-. lmt at once began his addle- to the jury, "(ouitlenien of the jut v." --till he. -sonic of you know me per-oiian.v. I have u<> doubt those of you wii.i are not personally acquainted with me know me by repnlation. Now. seiitlemcn. v..i! know that if mv client bad 1 n giiiliy of any fraud. 1 -houl.l lie the la-i man on earth to admit it. I -lii.uld hide it from vr.u. I -hotihl cover it up. I -houl.l light, light-aiid I know hi.U !.. liirl.l -.lg-.'i'l-t the proof of if. .0-! I ill-. 11l evidence. 11 mv client had in-iMi guiln of fraud, do v.ui Hunk I would admit if: No! No! Never! nev.-r! never!" Here be looked at hiwatch. "Ocntlelllell. e\.ll-c my lirovitv. I luive an engagement to dine today, and mv IMiie i- ahn.-t up: I will detain y u u no. longer.'-" Ho. won his cate.