WIT AND HUMOR.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LI, Issue 124, 16 May 1908, Page 4

WIT AND HUMOR.

AX KXI'KXSIVK ITJEii. . -Ifiiilyura Kipling, during one ol '"a visits to Canada, Jhkl a little dinagreement wiili the landlord of a hotel at whifh he stayed. Just before lie li'lt, no demanded ail interview with the proprietor, and when the latter presented himself, the great author gave lnm his candid opinion of the hotel. "1 mant to tell you," he said, "that ul all the holt-Is under the.shining sun I hn\e never Keen one that for unmitigated. all-round, unendurable discomfort could equal vours!'' When Kipling's bill was brought to him later, the last item of it read: "To impudence, three dollars!" UROCXDS FOll OFFICXCH. " -Miss Ilijee didn't sing to-day," remarked a friend to the leader of the choir. "No, she',- resigned." "I thought she was leading soprano? What was the troubled* "She was oll'ended about the selection of an anlheni which she had to loud oil' last Sunday., and vow'd she'd resign sooner than ri iug it, and she did." ".1 hat's odd. What was the "It began: '1 have been young, and nouv am old.' " * .

PERSUASIVE POWER. He I earnestly, yet timidly): " AJiss Jones, IVe been thinking of you all the week long." She (blushing sweetly): "Have you really- of poor little me?''

He: " I bave been looking forward to this meeting " She (reassuringly): "How nice of you to say so."

lie (with mingled hope and fear): "i am half-afraid "

She (gently): "I am sure you need tear nothing." lie (more bravely): "Well, every man lias one ruling passion in his life, and mine, I think, you must have guessed by this time." She (archly): "I think i have." lie (eagorly): " Well, dear Miss Jones. I came here, to-night wondering if I dare ask vou—if I could persuade you "

I She (tenderly but firmly): "I think you could persuade me to do anything." lie (radiantly): "How kind of you to say so. Well, then, will you—can t rely on you to—to—coax your brother Tom to join our cricket club?" ALL 11LR OWN WORK. Young Wife: "I knew you would like the slippers, Harry, if for no other reason than because i made them." Husband: "You don't mean to say that this is all your work? Why, what a talemtcd little wife 1 have, to be sure!" Young Wife: "Y'es, all niy work, of course. I bought the uppers, and Mary sowed them together, and I got a man to sole them, but 1 put the bows on and did them up in the box. And, do you know, Harry, I am awfully proud of myself. I didn't think I could ever do such thinks!"

TOO ERESII! Here is a good siory of Sir Arthur Conau Doyle:— On one Occasion, nvlien he was travelling in the United States, a newsboy entered the Pullman in which he was seated and offered to sell liini "The Little Minister," by Barric.

" Read it," said Doyle bluntly. The bo v produced " She," by Rider Haggard. ' "Road it," said Doyle again.

The boy looked somewhat angry and incredulous, but. otVered "Tess of the DT'rbe/illcs," by Hardy. "Read, it," answered Doyle for the third time.

The lad was now thoroughly infuriated.

•' Here," he. said, "is a new book ol She]lock Holmes' stories. Say, it's just out to-day, boss, „o don't you go tellin' me vou've read this book, too." "N(.; haven't read it," was Ihc terse anslwer. "Wrote it!"

The. boy slammed the book d|own in his basket, and remarked with the utmost scorn, - Say, what do you think 1 am—a fool? You're too fresh by a long way!" SATISFIED NOW. iPatient: "Well, dodor, how do you find things to-day?" Doctor (cheerfully): "1 feel very much better satisfied.'' Patient: "1 feel worse than ever. What have you discovered that makes jOll feel so assured?" Doctor: "I am satisfied now that the medicine I have, been giving you for the lust three months has not. been doing you a bit of good. 1 was in doubt about it before." A MATTER Oh' SPELLING.

He had just returned from a Transatlantic voyage, and lie let all tho tramcar knoiw it. " Yes," lie -.aid pompously to tlic old gentleman, with I lie silk hat and the urev whiskers who sat oppoisitu, "we had a. most eventful trip; there was a marriage 011 board, two deaths, and "Any birth*?" interrogated the old gentleman, with a twinkle in his eye. ** N"o—er—no births." answered the other, in a nmnnev which implied that they could have had one or two if wanted. " Dear me 3 that's vorv strange." '■Whatfer ''Why, no births. T have crossed forty-three times, and there have always been births on board. Why. last time ! crossed there were over live hundred, and '' "What, babies?" "Babies? No, berths peeping berths. Here's my street. Oood-hye."

"Why do so many of yon go round playing together?" the schoolboy a«ked the leader of th 0 (Jerman hand. "Tt vns safer," was the thoughtful reply of the music-loving foreigner.