WIT AND HUMOR.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LI, Issue 118, 9 May 1908, Page 4

WIT AND HUMOR.

READY TO OBMIiJS. At a dance in a certain city, a visitor to the place gut into conversation with an elderly gentleman. I'rc utly the younger man .-aid, pointing to lady aeros* thy room, who was smiling pleasantly in his direction: " I wonder it that ugly woman js actually trying to llirt with nicY" " I don t know," the elderly gentleman iubswered mildly, *' but 1 can easily ascertain lor you. She's my wile.' 5 READ* TO lUiSK. IT. Dinner was a little late, so a guest the hostess to play something. Scaling herself at the piano, the lady exeeut«'d a very classical composiiion wiih precision. She Implied, and there w,i> still an interval of waiting to be bridged. In. the silence she tinned to an old who was .silting near Un* piano, and said.. "Would vim like a -ouata before dinner?" lie gave a start of surprise and plea sure. " Whv, vck, ih.mks.' he said. " I ind a couph' on my way here, but I think J could lake another. 1 ' WELL ACAIX. A S oltish tradesman stepped iulo a barber's shop the other day, and. whll-i lie \v;i- being shaved, the barber was wondering if this was a new eiutoiner. ! " Have you ever been here tor sliav before'.'" ahked tlie barln'i - . " V« <. once/' \uis the reply. j "Hut I do not rememlM*)- your faee. 1 sir." ! " Weel, T dare -ay ye (loirt." said the I customer, "ye see, it'* a' healed up noo." ! COT 'EM. I it was a grand party given by one J of tile noted gentlemen of the city, and most of the quests were men. There I was a woman, however, to L»<. seen here ! and there. i At one of the tables there were a lium- I ber of young men discussing the problem, "Are Most Women Vain?" Of course, niOrst of the nwn agreed that they were. A young woman was silting at this table, and listened to the converse tiou as long as she louid staml it. At hint things got too lmu-h for her, and rslie arose, and politely said: " Vou all agree that most women are vain, but what if I tell you that the handsomest man sitting at this table has forgotten to put on his necktie?" Immediately all the men put their hands up to their necka, and then .she asked, as she left the room: ''Are wo- | men the only creatures in this world I who are vain ?"

«URE KNOI'CH. A busy merchant, who had not taken a holiday lor years, in which time every other member of his family had enjoyed many outings, concluded to give himself a r'-sf of a week or two aud started for Scotland. When he had been gone a day he received a telegram from his wife to this effect; "Our houoe was (.utuely destroyed by tire last night. The children and I escaped unharmed, Come hanie at once. • -Maria." l o this, after retleeting a moment, he replied as follow-: "What is the use of coming home when there is m» home to come to? Take the children tu mother's; stay thejv with I hem till 1 join you, and don't worry.—Frank."

I'OIK'K OF HAISIT. Traveller (in a railway carriage to fellow pa.s^cnger): "Sir, what do you mean? Tliis is the third time* you have put out inv match." Fellow Traveller: '"'Force of habit. I'm a member ol' a volunteer lire brig-

THOITUIT IT FLIPPANT. The brave ship .was wallowing in the waves that threatened to engulf her at any moment. Hastily the captain ordered a box of rockets and Hares to be brought to the rail, and with his own :un<!- ignited a number of thent, in the lmpe that they would be seen and the passengers and crew rescued. Amid the rockets' red glare a talk thin, austere individual found his way with difficulty to the rail and spoke to the captain. "Captain,'' said he. " 1 protest again-t this dare-devilishness. We are now facing dealh. This is jio lime for a /irework display."

Tommy: "Halloa, -'ininiy. where are you going to in such a hurry"/' Jimmy: "I'm going home." Tommy: "Something good going on there?'' .limmy: "Well, nut's going to spank me." Tommy (in surprise): "But why al 1 you in Mich a hurry?" Jinnnv: "Because if I don't get home at once pa will be in and he'll do it." They are telling a story of a London comedian, who jumped into a hansom in the Strand the other day. He was in a hurry, and the pace was very slow, owing to a block in the traffic. "I *ay. cabby,' he shouted, with hi* head out of the window. ''art' we going to a funeral?" "No, sir," iwaa the quick response, "an' we ain't goin' ter no bloomin' tire, neether." A little girl had been allowed by her mother to visit the minister's family and stay for dinner. After the preacher had linished asking a blessing the child said: "That isn't tli« way my papa asks a blessing." " And how does your papa ask a blessing?'' inquired the minister. "Why, he just says: 'Hood Heavens! what a meal!'"

"If you marry Grace," exclaimed an irate father to his son, "I'll cut you oil' without a penny, and you won't hav-; so much as a piece of pork to boil in the pot." "Well," said the young man, " Grace .before meat." Aud lie immediately went in -eareh of a minister.

I'andsinan »Stronglungs mopped his brow sirs the band cpased "Faust."' He had been pressed (o take up the circular l»ass in the depot baud in an emergency.

"Phew!" he gruiiled. "That'* Jnd work. What's the next piece?" "Why, (hat selection of coon songs,'' said th ( . solo cornet wearily. Stronglungs stared. "What?" he demanded in a hoarse whisper. "I've— I'vr just played that!"

Magistrate (to witness): "You say von have known the prisoner all vour life?" Wilne**: "Yes. sir." .Magistrate: ".Nov, in your opinion, do you think he could be guilty of stealing thin money?" Witness: "How much was it?" Some time ago an ollice-boy, answering the telephone for the first time in his life, and not knowing how to use it, was told that, when the bell rang, he .was to answer it. When, therefore, lie heard it ring, he picked up the receiver and shouted: "Hello! Who's there?" The answer came baek: "I'm one hundred and five." "Go on." *aid the boy, "it's time yon were dead/' Looking up from his magazine, an Essex farmer said vehemently to his wife, one night: '■ Do you know what I'd have done if I had been Napoleon?" " Yi-s,'' Die woman answered, "You'd have -evtled d"un in Corsica, and spent \<kk life griniibl-j'g about bad luck ami hard I'liiee/

A en-lain young man bad been severely molded for hi* hasty speech, and was told that lie must think three times before lu» -poke. One day Ins father was >iandin'g on the Iwirth with his back towards the fire, and the young man. who was by his side, said: "Father, [ think—father, 1 do think—father. 1 think. I do think, your coat is on fire.*' Conceited Golfer (to his caddie): "'Did \i>n lell the club secretary that I went round the course yesterday in fortylive?" Caddie: "I did, .sir." <Jnlfor: "And what did he *ay?" Caddie; ''He said, 'Accidents will happen.' " The house-surgeon of a big hospital was startled on<» morning recently by the request of a young girl patient for an extra allowance of butter. "Hut w'liy, pray?" lio demanded "Don't you get sufficient?" "Well, sir," she explained, "you see, my. &weethear£ & coming to see me today} anfl I guri Ifo look ntW"