WIT AND HUMOR.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LI, Issue 72, 14 March 1908, Page 4

WIT AND HUMOR.

rat UN Li WAV

Miss Dre»uell had just returned alter spending a weeK with a country frienil. imagine her consternation when she discovered her previously well-c locked wardrobe empty! "Gracious, George," she exclaimed to her brother, "where are ail my clothes: And what in the world is that great black patch on the lawn: Tlm? face of George exhibited all the well-known signs ot conscious righteousness, ami he met her ga/e unflinchingly. "You wrote me that if 1 wanted the key of the billiard-room 1 should find it in the pocket oi your oolero.'

" lea, yes!" "Well, I don't know a liolero from a fichu or a box-pleat, so 1 took all the things to the lawn and burned them. Then 1 recovered the key from the ashes."

She froze liiin with a stare, and he is now thawing slowly on the kitchen stove.

DROWNING IN STATE.

Graf Fiukenstein, who was very proud of hit lineage, fell iroin the Hamburg American liner into the sea. "Man overboard! shouted a sailor who had Been him disappear. The pa-, sengers rushed to the taffrail. But when the German rose above the surface he shook his Ust.

" What do you mean with your ' Man overboard'!" he yelled. "Graf Hermann von Fiukenstein, Duke of Suabia, and Prince of the lioly Roman Empire, is | overboard!"

Then, having demonstrated that pride of great birth cannot be quenched, he murmured "Hoch!" three times, and sank.

ON THE SAFE SIDE.

Indignation surging iu his breast, the late collector of the local band-tolls betook himself to his solicitor's office.

The band committee," he roared,

"haa given me the sack, and 1 want to know what kind of action 1 can take against theml' The lawyer shook his head, "lou can't very well sue them for giving you notice, you know," he said. " I am going to get at them somehow or other!" spluttered the late official. " They've advertised lor another collector!"

"Well," said the lawyer, "that is alto quite legal." "Can 1 sue them for libel;" pursued the client.

"How have they libelled you'l The bandman shook his fist.

* Why, they've advertised,' One-armed men only need apply'!''

PAINFUL PHOTOGRAPHY. Self-consciously the sitter sat upon hie eeat. "Just a leetle bit more this way," said the photographer ooaxiugly. "So!" —and gave the jitter a nasty jab on the cheek with his elbow.

"Ah!" he cried, as the sitter presumed to blink iii an unguarded moment. " Xow you've lost the pos". Throw back your head slightly —so! That's better! If you could manage to look a trifle more agreeable—think your young lady's present. Ha, ha! So! That's it! Beautiful—bec-ootiful!"

"Well, have 1 now got the pleasant expression you desire';'' murmured the sitter, careful not to relax a muscle. "Thank you!' >»id the artist-photo-grapher. "That will do nicely!" '"Then hurry up!" growled the sitter. '' It hurts mv face!"

BROTHEKLY LOVfc.

To-morrow would l»' baby's birthday, and Tommy had decided to buy iiiui a nice present.

"What would you like to get him Tommy;'' asked his mother.

" I think." Suggested Tommy—" 1 think that 1 should like to buy him one of those nice guns." "But,"' objected mother, "baby will aot understand a toy like that. Besides, he might hurt himself with it." "Xo'. he won't, mamma!" pleaded Tommy. "Indeed—indeed, he won't! I shan't let him even touch it!"

VERY CATTISH. " What's up?" asked a friend of the Ban villi the tired look.

" What's up!" murmured the haggard one. "Here's what. Last night I didn't get a wink ot -leep'. lliiikm's cat Bowled outside for three hours steadily. Tken 1 got up and heaved a brick at it." "Did you hit it!" "No; but 1 hit llinkin. who had just oome down to lei "it iuto the house."

'• Well, surely that was satisfactory " For a minute it was. '["lien Hinkin returned the brick smash through our drawiug-room window. But that wasn't ill] lie did.'' "Well?" " He irent in and left the cat how ling o»t-ido!'

DOUBLE WElt.lll

Patrick Flanmgan and Murphy ILin njgan were in a dilemma—in fact, they were in a regular Irish stew. "Share," exclaimed Pat, in the appiorwi Hibernian brogue, "these scales is no good at all, at all! They only Veigh up to two hundred pounds, and Oi'm near to two hundred and fifty!"

Thev laid their heads together and oogitated.

"Av course," reflected Murphy, "wo might cut some av the superfluous off ye, till ye balanced." But Pat objected. Then Murphy, struck by a sudden iueyiration, took the bull by the horns.

" Sbure. Pat,'' he exclaimed, "phwat's to prevent ye gettin' on twice?"

THE RETORT DIRECT.

One morning, after Thompson's winkid called him a good-for-nothing loafer, and i-natched his breakfast away, he (t&rtod off. hungry and sore, for work, A sour-looking woman entered the I*l9 he was on, and got into a violent dispute with the conductor over her change. Finally, red with rage, she Ipoked about her. and exclaimed:

"Is there a gentleman in this bus, who will stand by and see a lady insuited r"

The hungry man. whose nature luul been Spoiled, ros C eagerly. " Yes. madam." lie said; " I will!"

DISQI'IETINt; QUIET

With the luxurious ca-.-c of a millionaire. .lames, the butler ai No. 4. lay comfortably on three chairs and a pillow, in the pantry at hulf-pj-t lour in the aftenuron. reading a penny novelette. At the end of each paragraph be took, a inunch at ill- mistress'* currant-dake. awl at the bottom or each page a pull at his master's brandy: but lie did not hear the footstep on the stair. : The otory became teuser. llie cake stnaijer, the bottle emptier—ami tiestep came nearer. "James!"

The butler jumped up. a guilty Rush suffusing his countenance. It was the mistress of No. 4.

".fames," re|BMted the lady angrily, "how it it that whenever I come inta the pantry 1 find yon idling your time away, sprawled out reading a newspaper or something ." The butler glance? reproachfully at his niistres-'s feet.

" Well, ma'am." lie -aid. " -peaking broadly, nia'aiu. I should .-ay it «a, on a<x<ount of the in old rubbivr-solej shoe-!"

whkmt; this hurry

"T dfPrtUi'M <»f you last iiij»lit." »<nM Hoodie t<» uif»» over tin- hn-akfa-t----tabU*. "What did yon ih'tviii. »!eav':** mipiir«*d liii 4 \ciiV. *• I ilmuiu'd ;i divam." aiiMWP'd KhxUp. " Hht whM tin* ilhMiuv" iin|iiir«'il Mrn. Boodl»\ pptulantlv. ** I dreamed I r.mjrht a chap ituinin;? away with you.'' • And what did you siv to liim'r'' !rtqiiir«il hi- wife. *• T fljikcl him wha* In* vwi- miming for." ( SITHBLK AM) CHAKK. "Dill." -aid the countrv par-mi. 'I want a liKle talk with you.'' Bill composed liinwlf i-omfortaidy. and snufrjfU'd down on hi' >tool. ■*Ch>;inHitr'-. Hill." tlio "is ono "f th»* -annual virtue t>l man. "Wot!'' .-x.-bimH Bill. *• Don't 1; wash*' 1

"Ye-. Hill. > 4.m ,\t* na-li. and mi the whole. • «>'! are a moderately eleaiilv*. lover. I :iin n.iitinu.illy (''minded when- ! over f -«••• volt «.f the Tilf t that you. ; nei*Wt v>.ir lip." "Th.it :tin'r 'int. par-nil" nhje.-ted j l.<-. limn: "th.itV mv uinn-tube!"' « Whv. don't van shave*:" '•Welk ve *e*\" announced Hill. 'a man's fjoHrr have pla<*e to -trik«.' liii watclie* on.' 5 . J ,