WIT AND HUMOR.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LI, Issue 54, 22 February 1908, Page 3

WIT AND HUMOR.

| "l: i- -aid. doctor, that von Irea'cd I vou,- laii.lh.i.l for liver trouble and V- , ! died '■! stomach trouble!" j " luiamoii- slander: When I treat a ! patient for liver trouble. h u ,|j ( ., , ,„,, jiaal! t n-.lei-stand';" Mr-. Wildiuaii: "I can tell vou this. | Mr. Uildniaii; if you continue in vonr | pre-ent life of extravagance voti'll surely pay lor is -„me d.tv." ■Mr. Wi.dman: "I wish, mv dear, that my creditors j l; „| ,| u , s;llll( , ti tilll in mv good intentions. Daughter: papa, vou are improving! You ve „h„t a rabbit!Papa iCity magnate, who has bought a coun'ry estate and is trvine to live up to in: -Well. I didn't exactly sho ,1. it. Uwen. I siip|H-d crossing a fence and tell on it! - ' Mr-. t'ltra-tlc-Swell: "Coach dogs are out of style. I want a motor-car do"." Dealer: "Well, madam, here i„ just the one you want." "Now. you are sine lie is a motorcar dog?" " I -hoiil.l -ay ~„. Why. he will lollow the -cent of petrol for mile-.''

A Paris shopkeeper wrote to one of his customers sl . s |„||„ws:--"I am able to oiler you cloth like the enclosed sample at nine francs tiimetre. In case I do not hear from vim. I shall conclude that you wvh to'payonly eight franc-. In order to lose no lime. I accept the last-mentioned price."

Feminine Auditor (at the amateur theatri.als): "I beg pardon, but do yon know it seenis to me the gentleman who has the leading part does bis love-mak-ing in a very lame and spiritless inan-

Wife of Leading Actor (intently watching the performance): "He wno'f put any more spirit into it while I've got my eye on him. madam, let u:e tell von."

.\s the -oiall Imy v,a,- .-tauding on one ei tin- best library chairs, and clawing will, hi- grubby paws sonic of the choicest bindings ill tin- bookcase, his ~r „ . genilor. entering >udd:-nlv cried ratlr-r sharply: " What are you doing at that bookcase. Wilfred?"

"Tryiii' to liiul tlk- 'History of En.r. land.' fa (her." "What for!"

"Why. -loc Billings nt our school savs tliiil Tail played fur Tottenham Hotspurs tin- yi-iir before lust, and [ say lie didn't!"

"That man Crumleli. has more Invitation- to iliim.-r than any other man In town." "How does he work il';"

" lie le'L every hostess with a grownup daughter that she must have married

" liul. Bertha, how did you make the .u-riuaintan.ee of your second husband*"

"It wae tpiitc romantic. I was out walking with my lirst. when my second came along in a motor-ear and knocked him down. That was the beginning of our friendship."

The Philosopher: "Tell me what a person reads and 1 can 101 l vou wlnt he is."

The Dyspeptic. " Ndt always. There'my wife, for instance, she's always reading a cookery book."

Philosopher (confidently): "Well?'. Dyspeptic: "lint she's no cook!"

"What business is papa in. milium*!" "Why. he's a tea sampler. He ainples the different km Is of tea." " Mamma';

"Yes. my boy." "Do you know what I want to be when I grow up':" "No: what, my boy;" "A cake sampler.

A certain bachelor has fhe reputation of never being able to say a plain "yes" or " no" in reply to a question. 'One day two ladies of his acquaintance were discussing the peculiarity, when one of them announced that she felt sure that she could make the talkative individual say "no" flatly. When she next ni-l the gentleman, she said to him: "Let me see, Mr. Ilobinson. you arc a widower, are vou not?"

"As much a widower, madam," he answered, with a polite how. "as it is possible for a man to be who was never married.' 1

After a short meeting n little sinning win indulged in by some of the member* of a social gathering, and half-way down the programme the name of Jfi;s Augusta Ilrown figured. .Mas! however, when tlie time eame for her to appear a messenger arrived to say thai the ladv was sull'cring from a very bad eold. and therefore the chairman liad to exeuse her to the audience.

" Lidics ami gentlemen." he said, ' T have to announce that Miss Brown will be unable lo sing, as announced, and therefore Mr. Creeu will give us 'A Song of Thanksgiving'!"

Bing: "Yes. that's old Spriggings. Half-a-dozen doctors have given liiin up at various times during his life." Wing: "What was the matter with him';" Bing: "He wouldn't pay his bills."

Master: "John!" Servant: "Yes. sir." " Be sine vou tell me when it is four o'clock." "Yes. sir."

"Don't forget il. I promised to meet my wife at 2.30, ami she'll Ik- provoked if I'm not there when she arrives."

A fond grandfather and lather were admiring the new baby.

Fond Grandfather: "I declare! That youngster is a great ileal more intelligent than yon were at hlri age." Insulted 'Parent: "Naturally; lie lias a great deal brighter a father!"

"The lady whose name you gave ;.s reference. Delia, tells me you were not always truthful and obedient." "X.i. ma'am,'' replied the now servant: "I couldn't lie. wid her tellin' me. all (he time to say she wasn't at home."