WIT AND HUMOUR.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LI, Issue 48, 15 February 1908, Page 4

WIT AND HUMOUR.

"SYMPATHY." A sharp-tongued married woman, who had been openly commiserating an elderly spinster on her loveless state, went on to talk volubly about her husband's health. "Poor man, he has been a great sufferer for fifteen years,'' she remarked. "1 can tpiite believe that, dear," said tli spinster, still smarting under the married woman's sarcastic "sympathy." "Let me sec, it is just fifteen years since you married him, is it not?"

AMONG THE MONGERS. 1 passed a knot of chatting fishermen and paused to talk. " Fishmonger," said. I pleasantly to one, "why do you llshmong?" He. answered willi a cordial smile: " I fishmong because my father fishuiongcd before me." " And you yourself," I questioned further, "ilavc you been fishmonging for long?" " 1 fishmong because .my father ftshmonged'for seven years come Miohaulnius."

" iou are indeed a worthy fishmonger," 1 responded. "And 1 am sure yon always mong the best of lish." ' QUALIFIED RELATIONSHIP. Mounting guard over the, entrance of a certain football ground was a somewhat raw policeman, in addition to the usual ticket-collector. Tlw game had just started when a man passed rapidly through the entrance. "Wha are ye?-' asked the ticketchecker. "Oh, I'm the goalkeeper's brother," replied the newcomer, and without more ado he passed into the crowd. "Bring him back, bobby," cried the collector. So the bobby hurried off in hot pursuit. In due course he ran to earth a man who seemed to bear a very strong resemblance to the person of whom iie was in search. "Arc ye the goalkeeper's brither?" he queried. "No," replied the other facetiously, "I'm his brother-in-law." " Then come awa' wi' me at once," retorted the wrathful peeler, "or yc'U be his brither in gaol!" BEAK AND ALL. Tliomas had lost his appetite. Time was when he could dispose of three cups of colTee,\two plates of thick-cut bread-and-butter, and half a pound of sausages for breakfast with .consummate ease. Now he was sticking at an egg! "Tommy, eat up that egg at once!" commanded his anxious mother..

Bravely he set to work once more. Half-way througu he paused and started crying. "'"" " It's no use crying,' declared bin maternal parent. " You've got to eat that egg." Obediently he began again. Then he turned towards his mother .a pair of pathetic eyes, and meekly said: "Please, nmmmie, have I got to cat the bear?"

VERY UADOYiSIi. Peterson's ball was badly bunkered, and do what he would he couldn't get it out again. He had only played the rotten game a dozen times or so before, so there was no occasion for the caddy to stand grinning atTiiiii! Whack, whack, whack! Missed it every time! The caddy grinned. Whack, whack, whack!" The caddy still grinned. After half-au-hour's excavation, Peterson wiped his streaming face. Hang it!" he said. "I've tried all my clubs on this abominable ball. Wh it on earth can I do now''" There came a strident tackle. Cii'e it a swat wi' yer bag," murmured the caddy. And he wont on grinning.

CRUELTY TO AXIMALS. They were a newly-married couple and superlatively happ/. He spent tlie day on 'Change, rushing round the streets and working for her; she spent the day at home, dusting up the rooms and cooking for him. And when they w«rc together in the evenings she pretended that his long absence at work didn't leave her very lonely; and he pretneded that eating the things she cooked didn't make him extraordinarily uncomfortable. One night, however, when he returnfrom his hard smiling countenance in the hall; for ejjne was inirfet distress, and the tears vi erc streaming down her pret- , said the young husher in his arms, "what •are you crying about!" "Oh, Henry, Henry!" sobbed his wife. "There is no pudding for your dinner. The mjee have got into fhe pantry and eaten up the beautiful custard-cake 3 I made this afternoon." He stroked the locks back front her troubled brow.

"There, thefe, dear," he murmured gently. "Don't cry' over a fen* little mice." LEARNING THE BUSINESS.

''You say in uiis report of the fire," I remarked the editor to the youthful reporter, .'that 'The lurid glare of forked flames shot athwart the dark-domed < sky.' Now, arc you quite sure of thatTt''Perfectly, sir," answered th/j£ipsrter. "I saw it all." .. "Did you chancj»lffff^. P ,4,i-' /the cause of time of ij inception, ' t ' ue t stal value of the propi? ty destroycd ' °f m amount for wh/'" !t wa3 < ov w l?./not, insured?" . n ■J(o, sir, I cannot say, i <" d - ... T /hen," concluded the editor, "just watc £ the lurid glared l'° rk <''< i llilllld3 shoo ti athwart this jnk-besincared re- *- A y,\ they did. _ _,' l SCEAIIBEEW ONLY , T U.L could not be the slightest doubt > tlla l the roushes/ railroad in the county.' was the joltem and South Bumpem ko, at least, thought the wealthy merchant, who, haying passed tue ( evening in * "sleeper," rose pale an ° haggard from want of rest, cannot skep^he^^mntterod ent£MMnjrj,reakfast-c&r, he called a side. "Bring me," he coffee, roll and butter, sir," replied the waiter, you wait till the train eggs are quite impossible/' ed JBf despairing merchant. "By OeflH wua t a railway! And why

sir," explained the waiter, "if wish to know the reason, By railroad is so rough that every He we try to fry an egg it scrambles." w less Home>^«J^ i _used your brains a little more," tliciTSv . woman was proclaiming to Professor {Popinjay, "perhaps you wouldn't lose seVuany overcoats and umbrellas! HomciVtßdecd! When I die and meet him in the spirit, I'll give it him, or my name isn't Mrs. Popinjay." "No, dear," remonstrated the unfortunate gentleman; "if I were you I shouldn't do that, But I'll be extra careful at the club in future, and any pawls or umbrellas I may have I'll be most particular not to leave behind me." Thus did he appease his good dame's anger. On the following da,y he returned with a beaming countenance. "I have been to the elnb, my dear," he slid; "but, you see, I did not forget toliriug away my umbrella." "So I do see," remarked his wife, .smiling sweetly. " But, dear, you know yon didn't take an umbrella this morning !" "FALLING IN." "Yes," said the young lady in the brown costume, "we are going to move to avoid having to clean the house." "And so are we," answered the lady with the golden hair, "f think it wHI take the new tenants two weeks to get rid of all the rubbish we are leaving behind." — "

"The same, in our case.f Our house will need attention from cellar to roof. By the way. where are you going?" '"No. 15.' Tj street." "What? Why. that is where we are leaving!" "Well, 1 declare! Where are yon going?" "\ T o 11, TV--- street."And that's whore we are leaving!"