NIT AND HUMOUR.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LI, Issue 36, 1 February 1908, Page 3

NIT AND HUMOUR.

Old Husband:. *• Didn't you marry me fur my money? Answer me tta.it, madam."' \oting wife: " Certainly 1 did. And we'd get along .-pb'iididly if Jou were uot iO uieau with it." A lieutenant kied at a rabbit, but aid not hit it, and naiiowly ini-.-o<l the uia jor ol the regiment, who wa, in front id liitn. 1 -ay, lieutenant. cvdaiuicd the major. '" are yuu shoonug at rabbits or lur piouiotiou':'" • This jianer," »aid Liiuguid Lew,i, " telle aliuiit a noise ruiuiin away with a woman, and -he was laid up for six week,." "Thai aiut ,o »or,e," rejoined Uoaistlul Benjamin; "a irieuei of mine once rau away with a horse, and he was kiid up for ,i\ \ear,.' Au Faigli-h tourist came upon a tarinhouse in a remote glen. " How delijlilnil to live iu thi- Military spot!'' he re marked to the farmer. "1 in no' s.ie sine alioot that, sir," replied the larmer. " lioo wad ye like to hac to gang tifteeu miles for a gleso' whisky:" "lIII." said the tourist, "but you could kwp a Imltle. Die fanner riiook hi-i head. " Ah, man,"' he ?aid, .seriously, "whisky'll no' keep!''

Two charming sisters who live in Tooting arc engaged to two brothel's, au,i tneir ueignoour- nave been iuteresled in the uual love allair. ihe soling gilk- live in the second Hal ol a uouse ou the suiiiu siae ol the street, aud the other day the eluer sister was -lopped in tne -ireel by the young sciuu ot a lauuiy who occupy" tile -second llat in the same" street ou Uie uppc»ite side. -Oli, Mi-s Jl ,' said the small boy, iruit;ng along ai her side, as he had oiuu done beiore, my papa said last night llial someone ought to tell you lu"pllll dowu liie blind-, V.lllsU it love is OIIUU, the uelgliboill- are not!

■Jimmie, said the merchant -oleuinly. at the eleventh hour, "we haw tor--oiteu to gel a frteh supply ot stamp-. = And the olrke-bov, m Hi, excitement, responded with. , sir, ,o we have! U »e amt a" couple of blunderheaded idiots! '

Two men were talking together at a Üble in ihe hotel coffee-room, and Hi.question ol Rockefeller's wealth came .ip tor discussion. One ot them ,aiJ, I" show ihe enormous income of the man: "IJo vou know, whenever that clo.-k ipointing to a grandfathers clock in the room, goes lick. Rockefeller makes a thoUsaud pounds 1" "Is that so? ' •That'c a fact." " " Then -top the clock."

-ilaik my words, declared Mr-. Kiriue. laying down the law to her loug--uiu-ruig 'liusoaud. "by the end of the ..eniury woman will have the rights she :- routing tor.'' ■' 1 sba 11't care if she hae," replied bvnue. j..j»*.. lAj you mean it':'' cried his wile. luit i at last brought you rouui to uiy »a) 01 thinking': Won't you really ,\ot ,1 bit. my ilear," returned her liu-Kiud. r.-igiiedl'y. -ill in- dead, then.'' l'at H.id got hurt—not much more than a ■s/iatcli. il is true, but his employer iijii visiour <•■ being compelled 10 keep him ior lite, and iiad adopted the wise coin se oi sending him at once i 0 the hospital. After the house-surgeon Had examined him carefully, he said to the nur»e:—

" As euovutaneous abrasion is not observable, I do not thiuk there is any reason to apprehend tegumental cicatrization ot the wound.'' Ihen, turning to tue patient, he asked "piizzually:— What do you think, l'at;'' "!suic, said l'at, "you're a, wonderful thought-reader, Joe-tor. Vou took lae. u-iy words out ut my mouth, i hat's jifct what 1 was going to say!"

It is a very eusperutuig thing to be robbed, but it is more -so to have the newspapers announce that the burglars locked you and your wife in the bedroom and then ransacked the house, " but were unable to nnd anything of value'

" So glad you have managed tu vi--it u-. : -aid Mr = . de Style •■ first ul nil. ".'!u»- into the picture gallery; i want t>j show you my old masters——'' "Alt goodness!" ciclainied Mr*. Mane:; " 1 didn't know yuu were ever in scrvj..c."

Advertiser: " I wish this advertisement placed in some pan ol the paper where people will be sure to eec it.''

tdilvr; " lis, sir; yes, sir. 1 cau put it light alongside ul an editorial, il you tti,u - tl .. Advertiser: ■Hem! IMease put ,t alongside of the lootboH new-,."

He: " What would your lather do il 1 lold hiui 1 wanted to marry you!' She: "He'd refer the matter to me." He (hopefully j: " And wnat would yuu do:'' She: Id reter the matter to the young man who proposed to me and ■»a-i accepted wniie you were trying to make up your mind.'

A noted politician has a uciltty for repartee that he sometimes turns iu good account. lie was addre-eing a meeting on one occasion, when a, party individual in the audience, a large cmplojei uf latwut, interrupted him, charging hirn nun " I aliening on Ihe swett ol the people." ihe uratoi, =uni and dapper, waited untu perfect miicl replaced the couiniuHon ttaich Uii» remark had made. Then he observed, calmly: 1 ieai e those present to decide which* ul uo is inoie exposed to that charge.'

| Ih'.ie w.i- an ominous stiilue=s m j the boas.- a- tin- gn-at phvri, lan entered ami mad,.- «« nay to his patient's room. Hastlit h- made his eiamiuation, his "Madam, lie said. "1 auj indeed soiry '.-> see you in cuch a condition j ; tin-- \". Nat lias uapjieiied.' Have you !«-.n ran o»er l,j a motor car:''' Hub iiiiiu:-.- "iitlieiil'.} and obviou, p'lU *i: |>ltlell'. fOUsl'd herseil, and the t " ' s " '■■• •;■':■" 'lie moaned. ' Utit I ■.• ' ■■< ■'■. '. '- ... ill. '....a stddULg l!nn th" g:...i-. j..r.-i..iiu 'j-.;.. ....it innote l>Fuk. and •.-1, _ -I•_.i tl,.- ~,i-. , u tin- " verj serioui- ' ivltiiuu. WU, 1 iur at —i i uli llt of your , dl ' ,w letur- i , Jav llu-'iasj lltl v jii ri il th. m over!'' W ii. \ li, ■■■ ■ V. ' , , , ~. effect 1 ' !-■-■ i.;.' i

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