WIT AND HUMOR.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume L, Issue 319, 18 January 1908, Page 4

WIT AND HUMOR.

"Km," «iJ Slri. Mugl<y. "I always try to retire before midnight. 1 don't like to mis* my beauty sleep." •• K«Jly," said Miss Knox, " you should try harder. Vou certainly don't get enough of it" j

- Lend u» a tanner, guv'nor." "No, thertainly not!"' "Well, give us fourpence for a bed. "All! Now you're talkin' bithiietli Yere ilh the bed!"

A High-School boy brought perfect ipelling papers home for several week", and I lien suddenly began to miss five ind six oat of ten. "How'# this, my soil?" a»kcd his father.

" Teacher's fault," replied the lioy. " How is it the teacher's fault!" "He moved the little lioy that sal next to me."

"You've got a fellow in there that won't wait on me again, not much," said an irate customer, as he emerged from the dining-room and flapped the money down on the pay-desk. " I'm not rtingv," continued the customer, "and dont mind giving tips; but when a waiter hangs round till a fellow has nearly finished eating, and whistles ' Do not forget me,' I think it's about time eomething was done."

A minister in one of tlie Southern State* of America was recently asked to perform the marriage ceremony liy a young negro couple. As he had employed the groom for a rear or two he consented, knowing what prestige would cone to th* couple by reason of having bees married by a white minister. At the appointed time the happy pair arrived, and the ceremony proceeded. "Do you take this man for better, lor worse ?" the minister asked. . "No, tali; Ah don't," said the dusky Vide. " Ahll take him jest as he is. If he was to get any better, I'ee 'fraid he'd die; an' if ne was to get any wtus, Ah'd kill him myself."

Or. Griffin: " I must say the world is wy ungrateful toward* our profession. How Kldom one sees a public memorial erected to a doctor!"

Mn. Golightly: "How seldom* Oh, doctor, think of oar cemeteries!"

ConiUble: "Come along; you're got to hare a-bath." Tramp: "A barf! What, wiv water?" Constable: "Yes, of course." Tramp: "Couldn't you manage it wir ows o' them vacuum cleaners t"

Before the maiden married him Aiwt got him in her power, To ww a button on hi coat Would take her junt an hour. Bat thins are very different now; For when her aid he oeelu To tew that button on his coat, It takes her several weeks.

.Watchman (breathlessly): " The boys' lormitory is on Ire, and if they find it eat they'll stop to save their footballs, hockey stocks, and things, and perish." Boarding-School Principal (quickly): "Notify the boys that all who are not downstairs in two minutes won't get any Pfc"

A wttty as well as a soft answer will Wtlww turn away wrath. A candidate, is the midst of a stirring address, *wa* (track by a rotten <gg full in the «y- Pausing to wipe away the conteals of the missile, he calmly contimed:—

"I hare always contended that my dppaaent's arguments were very un■oo4l"

•The crowd roared, and be was no fcwgw Botated.

The visitor had already sjjoken at considerable length when he said to the cMHrea, whose attention had begun to waader:—

"And now I want to tell you of a boy I once knew. He had a good father and Bother," the visitor continued, when k* found several pairs of eyes had retsraed to their survey of his face, "and thiy did all that lay in their power to ■ake him happy. Bat the boy was thoaghtless and selfish; be frittered avajr Us time and never thought of the fnfetre.

" To-day, instead of filling an honourable aad naefal position in life, where do you wppose he stands, children, as a Maaf* ■' fßt stands before us!" shrieked all Attar Wife boys and girls in prompt and joywos naisoa.

KNOWLEDGE IS roWEK. ' Farmer J«atu«, having suudemy cuine into a fortune, was crossing lo America, - . aad on the voyage decided to write a letter to his wife. On the second page, ' : ~Mkx»," and, not knowing how to spell ' ' it, decided to ask for information. Hot wishing to expose his ignorance to his fellow-passengers, however, who tad all received a much more thorough education than he, Farmer Jeames approached one of the sailors and asked n* for the correct spelling of the word. The response came unhesitatingly: "Yon begin with a heas and a hay, aad then you go on with a hell and two bo's, aad you hend np with a hen!" "Ho!" murmured Jeames, as he walked off, with a puzzled expression. "Is that haUf

nn*ni.rs THE CONSIDERATE. Bhe was forewoman in a large mitlinery establishment, and earned four ponds a week. He was "something good " in the jam trada, and bis weekly wage was SA 10s. ' They met, they talked, they loved, they married. And now they were ftr~ tim C a fortnight's honeymoon at " Charles," she cried enthusiastically, » iter walked along the esplanade, "now that we are married, there's only oat thing I regret—that I have to give ap my fine position." "That's all right, my sweetest," he replied, ia soothing tones; "don't yon worry about that! You needn't give up your positon; 111 give up mine."

INTEREST that absorbs. Two street urchins were contending hotly ia the Mile End Road. "You jest pay me my tanner, Bill!" bawled one.

M Your tanner?" replied the other con-1 tamptaoosly. " Why, it's more'n two | Ifwih since I borrowed that off ycr!" • "Yuss," exclaimed the first, in aggrieved tones—" two munfs, and you ain't paid me yet!" "Two munfs is so long" objected the debtor, "that I'm blest if I *>»'' F° ne f' »!««» forgotten all abart it!" ' "Two munfs is so long, yer mean." retorted Bill, struck by a sudden idea, • that you've got to pay me interest, young feller!" "Ho, yes! My eye! I dare say! Why, softy, two munfs is so long that that interest o' youm's eat up all the capital, and now I'm blest if I owe ycr a.brass fardln!"

. . WHY SHE WAS SILENT. . "Oarling!* he cried, in tones of deep onotioa. "At last—at last you are •afety in my arms, and nothing shall pot as more!" The object of his touching words and passionate embrace made no response, Mt remained cold and silent. Tears welled into his eyes. "Dearest," he continued, "how can I prove my love! Is there no sacrifice I caa make for your sweet sake—no sufferhig I can eaduret" This ftasl appeal was Irresistible. "The best thing you can do, my man," «ld a gruff ▼oi c*, H is to come along vHk met" .

JUk3 a brutal policeman unfastened from the lamppost and led him «i----hatly away.

POSTPONED. Beaming with joy. little Mr. Meek *at upon the edge of his high-hacked chair. Hfa spectacles were dim with happiness, and be listened in rapt attention to the remarks of his prospective mother-in-law. "I nrast tell yon frankly, Mr. Meek." •aid the lady, " that my consent to your marrying ray daughter ha" been wrung fro® rae only trader protect. I knew that if I did. not agree «he would disgrace the family by an elopement. When •he want* anything we always hare to gir* it to her, or take the conseqiienw-: aid li.Pg experience ha* t.iujrht me that I might an well try to fan off a cyclone a» rea-on with her when she lov- her temper—especially if (here i- a fl.itirnn' handy or a ro1lh)!!-pm. Ifn- the marri-ape-da} bwn fixed vet V But Mr. Mflek's sportarle* no tainrtr mlnty. "T have, madam." he remarked nerrnu#lr. "to ««» a man about a dnjj. If you *rfll pxcu«c me. I'll rh.it it over wfth von——to-morrow!'* And as he flow nut of the hall d<w»r. tfo llfile man congratulated him-'df up-