WIT AND HUMOR.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume L, Issue 313, 11 January 1908, Page 3

WIT AND HUMOR.

Who stops in after Tl—U. What two animals follow you everywhere/—Calves. Why is Cupid like poverty?—Dccause it drives people to (lie. union. Lady—l want a piece of meat without fat, bone, or gristle. iiukhei—Vou'd belter have an egg, ma'am. -Marks: "Say, old man, did i ever tell you about the awful fright 1 got on my wedding day ?" Parks: •• S*h! No man should speak like that about his wife." A schoolmaster asked the highest class to write an essay on "The Result of Laziness," and one 01 the bright but lazy pupils handed in as his composition a blank sheet of paper. "Uoodley: "If men would really vote as they pray, this would truly be a happy world." Wiseman: "Yes, but in thai case you wouldn't get them to the polls once m ten years." A number of settlers up-country held u meeting to decide on it name for a township. One man proposed "Dictionary," because, he said, it wa H the only place where prosperity, peace, and happiness are always found.

tieorgin: "Auntie, what docs irony mean!" Auntie: "It means to sav one thing and mean the opposite, like calling a rainy day a fine day." Ceorgic: " r think 1 understand yon, Auntie. Would not this be irony—' Auntie, I don't want a nice big piece of cake?' " A recently married couple were spending their honeymoon at a certain hotel in the mountains. At their meal at the hostelry the waitress asked the bridegroom: ' Will you have French bread, sir? Young Bride: "Take ordinary household bread, dear. French bread must be stale before it gete here." It was on the way to a race meeting. The "three-card" sharps, after vainly endeavouring to persuade some of their fellow-passengers to " find the lady," had left the carriage in disgust. Said the old gent in the corner to the chap opposite: '• You didn't intend getting bit, then?" "Xaw," was the rcplv, "Ah cum fra the Potteries, where we mek our own ' mugs!' "

ist." "Oh, do you think so? I quite thought from his intoning that he was a tenor."

"So you want to know where the flies come from, do you, Lueullus? Well, the cyclone makes the house flv, the blacksmith makos the tire fly, tie carpenter make* the saw fly, the driver makeß the horse fly, the grocer makes the sand fly, and the boarder makes the butter fly.• The following natural history B lorr is taken from an American paper:—A pretty bird story is told by Mrs. Porter. A spool of scarlet sewing silk thrown by her on {he lawn was scizwl bv a goldfinch, which carried it awav and lined its nest with it. A little later ahe found six goldfinches rummaging her workliasket on the verandah for" silk for nest linings. COMPANIONABLE. Edward was discovered one dav in the street throwing stones at a cat,' and was severely reprimanded for bis cruelty by his mother, who also pointed out to him how dangerous it was to the passere-by for small boys to indulge in such sports. Shortly after this the family went to Naples, and on their arrival found Vesuvius in a mild state of eruption. Edward was a silent observer of the phenomenon for some minntes. "Who is throwing stones out of that mountain?" he at last demanded. "God," replied his mother. " Then I wish he'd come and play with me,'' Edward said. " We'd get along together first-rate." MISDIRECTED EFFORT. A: "Do I strike you as the sort of face!" B: "My dear sir, certainly not. I should say you were far too wise to cmbark upon a course of action calculated to secure a result quite the reverse of the one contemplated."

A RECORD BREAKER, t Brown was boasting of the fine turkey he had bought for Christmas. " Biggest bird I tver'sajr; cost me thirty shillings." "That's nothing to the turkey I had last Christmas," said his friend Jones. "It cost me thirty guineas." "Thirty guineas!" positively shrieked' Brown, in his incredulity. Yes," sad Jones, bitterly. Turkeys," said Brown, looking him straight in the eye, " are generally to be bought for a shilling a pound. Say yours was a shilling, then it must have weighed about «3U pounds!" " It only weighed twenty pounds," said Jones sadly; " but X bought it alive und tried to kill it myself, it flew all over the house first, and did thirty guineas worth of damage." A READY BEiJLY. At a certain school in the United J States a visitor was invited to ask the children a few questions. Naturally, he began to talk about Washington, whose birthday is always made the occasion of a public holiday. " Why, said the amateur examiner, "should wc celebrate Washington's birthday more than we do mine?"' "Because he never told a lie, sir!" shouted one little boy from the middle of the class. COULDN'T FIND THE BUTTONS. At a provincial school an inspector was once examining a class of small boys, and to emphasise the difference between them and their need of clothes and tha animals, he asked: "Can you take your warm overcoat! off J" «i " ies, Bir," they shouted in unison. ' Can the bear take his warm overcoat oil!" " No, eir," they shouted in the sams way. • Why nott" For a moment the children were nonplussed. Then a little hand went out in token that its owner had an answer.

" Well, my boy, you tell us why the bear can't taKc his warm oversoat off." ' " Please, sir," said the child, " because God alone knows where the buttons are." A MATTER OF CHANCE. At a Bchool norfc of the Tweed the teacher was instructing his class in the rudiments of simple division. " If," he said to one of the boys, "I had twenty marbles and I wanted to divide them, Willy, between you and Maegregor, how many would you get!" "Ten, maybe," said the boy. "Why 'maybe'?" asked the master._ I Because, sir, Macgregor wouldna gie I me ten unless you were standing by. SOME WISE OLD SAWS.

Who weds a sot to got his cot, will lose the cot and keep the sot. It is better to light for the good than to rail at the ill. Where God hath a temple the deril hath a chapel. When rogues fall out holiest men come by their own. When the devil dies he never lacks a chief mourner. When a man is single he carries »U his troubles under one hat.

When age is jocund it makes sport for death. What is the use of running when you are on the wrong road? We can live without our friends but ( not without our neighbours. "THATEI.rO." A Parisian once remarked to longfellow that, there was an American word that he never could understand or find in any dictionary.

"What id it?" inquired Hie poet. •• Thateldo," was the reply. " I uevcr heard of the word," Paid Longfellow. Presently a servant- came in to re plcnish the' fire. After putting on a little fuel. Ixmgfellow remarked tn him—"That will do." "Ha!" exclaimed the Frenchman, "that is the very word which has troubled me."

REMARKS. Ttcfore making nsp of quotations, even of Scripture, one ought to 1* careful that the idea to lie conveyed in just what is intended, for sometimes, even with 'he l»>st intentions, one goes astray. At 1 a dinner given by an EnglMi nobleman, an old gentleman rose to propose a toast, and though hi* opening, fentenee \va« enthusiastically applauded, it was ovjdently not quite what he had intended if should lie. . "T feel." said he. "that for a very plain country squire like myself to address this learned companv is indeed to east | pearls liefore swine." Tt was some time n'efore he iin.|o>stood why his kcarers laughed so uproariously. A showman at a fair wound "P a flowing description of what was to lie seen in his booth with the ambiguous utatement— _ "Step in. gentlemen, wen m. I ak-» niv word for it you will oe highly delighted •when you oomc out!"