WIT AND HUMOR.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume L, Issue 309, 4 January 1908, Page 3

WIT AND HUMOR.

duuley on chiustmas in » hi?° r 11' C > sa^ s ' an(l "Wre a, hi™™i. f . lts . wl,:lt "°g#n ealls th ." unul, l. .1 woman, or ribl,<„, t „ '"'-I' the .lust off our dothes ~„d iliake I U l ;;,r ,in " in ' !!■ Wlli B " f '»' W Kl,h h ' l *e come in.

QITTK KICHT. The children were having a spelling •Hid definition lesson. ° "' e " l 0 '''Terence btwuii the word dear ,111,1 replied. "

AX -UVKI'TAi'.I.I-: I'ItKSEXT. I'iinir K.lwiir.l of \V„1 W n)n j,j hav,. liu , (|l . <ix U|( nine t lie stor.v was told ol Iv.istcr was a|>|>roa,-hiii«. . In ,i ], e with Ilis -juvenile what »if - lie shoiil.l »i vt . |o liis p.ii'cnl ° " I think t liev would like son.c liuok-." Ninl the lady. I he Prince for a m.inient. and then rdiook his head. "Xo, I don't think I will j,j vl . them books. J jravo them some beautiful Kaster r Sg< last year. Tliev didn't eat them, and they «ave them hack to mo. 1 I think I will <:ive them Kaster this vear.'' ' r

VnUVlll'l'l, FEAISS. A little boy who had been brought ti in the workhouse was taken uwpv a t, farmer and given a home in rctv n for his r>en ires in doing such odd jobs as his strength permitted. One day however, for 110 itaso.i of which the 'armer was aware, he ran away. The farmer applied to the police, the lad was found, and he was lakei, liefore the magistrate. "Xow. my 'w>y," said the magistral.: not unkindly, '• tell liu-, why did you run awav?"

" Weil, sir/' said the lad, '' you see, it was like this. I stayed there and worked. When the old sow died we <u I her up and ate her. Then a fliecp died, and we salted her. and we ate the sheep. Then the farmer's jjrandmother died — and then I hooked it, sir!"

He evidently thought that the fate which had been meted out t) tl.e now and the sheep would likewise befall the grandmother, and lie would Ik expected to play the same part in relatim to her as lie had done with regard to i\\o other two members of the family.

FEARED THE OTHER END. A lady who made a pet of an enormous St. Bernard dog which she always took about with her, went one day to call oa a friend whose little daughter was tvv dently afraid of the big beast. "Come,, dear, you needn't be afraid o. the dog. He a perfectly harmless and gentle, and he loves to be with children. Look, don't you see that he's wagging his tail;" "Yes, I >ee that,' answered the child nervously; "but that's not the end that I'm frightened of." KEATIIEUED FRIENDS. One day Dr. Creighton, the late Bishop ' of Jiondon, was distributing the prizes at a school. Among the l.joks he had to present to the lucky winner was a copy of " Our Feathered Friends." ]t occurred to him to improve the shining hour by a question or two on the subject of the prize, so he asked: " Who are ' our feathered friends One little woman, with a knowledge beyond her years, gravely answered: •" Angels, sir while another, going even still further afield, but with a vivid recollection of the books lur brothers loved, suggested "Red Indians."

TRUE LOGIC. A little boy of three was crying one day, when hi* mother, thinking that by comparing him with the bah/ she would be able to play on his sense of his own importance and so make him quiet, said to him: "Oh, Alfred, what a shamr for you to cry! Now, just look at baby. He is such a little, tiny chap, yet you never *ee him cry.'' "How can baby cry?" the child sobbed. Then, with something like superiority in liU voice, he added: "lie doesn't drink water, and he can't cry milk!''

NOT fJOT TO lIERKIXCiS. Tlie old master in a little village school ■had died, and it was the Jirst day on which his successor entered into office, lie was taking one of those classes in arithmetic. "Xow, my boy>." he said, "i'm going to l>egin by giving you an easy sum in imiltiplieation." At the word of command the youths took their states and proceeded to polish them in the manner most approved by schoolboys. "Now," said the master, "if I buy nine herrings for a shilling—'' Before he could speak another word a little lad in the front row shouted: sir, that ain't a fair sum!" The new master looked at him in surprise. "\ou are a. very naughtv little bov to interrupt in that way. What do Von mean by saying that it isn't a fair sum?" "Why, sir," said the child, "we ain't got to herringfl yet. The other master \vas only doing marbles and apples."

PUZZLING PAPA. The scone was tlie dining-room on Sunday. and the whole family wax assembled at midday dinner. The meat had been removed and the children had already had a second help, mg of pudding, when Elsie said: " May I have some more currant (art please?" "Xo. dear," said her lather. " [ think you've had enough for to-ila.v." Klsie wailed a moment, tlieii she asked again somewhat querulously: " P,MSO - P*P»> canf J have » piece more currant fart?" "No, dear." replied her father. "T have already told yon vonYe had enougli." I r!"i"' I™!" 1 -" sl| e exclaimed. will, a b gT.t look m her eyes, - „ |, v do M| often sing that favourite l,y„ m of v „ llr „ where it says: 'Peed me till I want 1,0 finore ? •

COR HOBORATING THE TEACH I'ii. ho.V lias a fine Wad," friend to a fond father who was exceedingly proud of his son. as | s the wav of fathers. latt( ' r - with a smile ot gratified pleasure brightening his eves anil illuminating his face; •• lie's a e'hm of the old block, aren't ymi. mv liov?" teacher told me only yesterdav I was a blockhead!"

A\ T UNEXPECTED REPf V 1 One day a certain bishop, whose nam... or obvious reasons, it would never do O mention, was reproving a pa™, w ] ln ~a: !'rn , J r"" u - V of some neglect, of -duty he excl «taed i" his ! , djfmified tones, at. the end of his " f admonition, intending to awaken the lad to a sense of his moril rfspn,K,bilit;„ his delinquencies. Who is ,t that hears and seei all we do, and before Whom even I am llut a crushed worm'" in, 7boT' my lh " ~ ! "

POMPS AND VANTTfES A certain Mayor of Bridgwater (Enland) was examining the |„,vs at one of >' Hugged Schools in the thej course of his question* he asl;ofl . roriVr® pnm|,K i "" 1 v,ini(! " s nf "T jknow, sir!" sbonte,) mt[(l f| . "ell my lad. what- are IW" ln . quired the Mayor. ' "Please, sir. the Mayor and Corimra- '">» ""nig to ehurch!" repli,,] the ,hi|d.

W.H.R.Ti. A , "S». a' cvervone w-'ll r,. I!" 1 ":-"" "f the ponuhir w;|i what ho! slio Carved over the door of the West n ' ~ *,, . 1,,R "'snifiennee or which it would be siipiiosml —,,1,1,] |,„ a, to even the small children attending the institution. Tn order I-. fn-t I spector asked one of the l M ,vs what the letters meant. [ Without a moment's hesitation came the reply; "What ho! she bumps, sir!"