WIT AND HUMOR.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume L, Issue 61, 14 December 1907, Page 3

WIT AND HUMOR.

HOT WATER WAS WANTED. While touring in Switzerland we decided to spend a month or more in the Bernese Oberlands, in a little hostelry out of the travellers' beaten path and situated high on a ridge under the shadow of the mighty "Jungfrau," The house was full of French and Germans; few of our own countrymen seemed to hart discovered the loveliness of this retired place. We awoke early on the morning after our arrival, and although it was late, in summer, the air was frosty nnd TTTe snow glistened on the mountain sides. "Do you suppose," 1 said, "we can get hot water in this primitive place?" IMy sister touched the old-fashioned bell-button near the bed, and after a few moments a maid knocked at the door. She was a neat, stolid-looking individual, in a garb which seemed n compromise lietween a native Swiss costume and the more modern uniform of a hotel domestic. T had no knowledge oT (he local Swiss patois, hut my French, though limited, might serve. "Voulez-vous—apporlez-moi-de I'oau chain!, s'il vous plait?" My effort was thrown away. The woman's face lost not a particle of its stolidity.

My sister ventured the request in uncertain German—"Hitte, wollen sie mir—heise water bringen?" The maid's face was a blank". The open door made a draught with the window. It was cold. I wanted ti at hot water, and I lost my temper at her patient stupidity. "Can't you get some hot water?" I almost shouted. "Certainly, miss!" she said. The first gleam of intelligence showed itself in the creature's eyes.

A warm friend is the kind to freeze on to. Handshaking friends are naturally of a grasping nature. A girl isn't necessarily breezy because, she jnits on a lot of airs. It's surprising what a lot of noise there is masquerading as music. It is unlucky to come homo hungry and find a black cat in tho pantry. "A woman," remarked the cynical bachelor, "seldom says what' .she thinks." • "That's right," rejoined the man who had lieen married so long that lie had to comb his hair with a towel; "she only says what she thinks she thinks." " j

"He's a kind, good dog," said nn old lady to a little girl, "so don't bo afraid. Sec how nicely lie wags his tail." "Yes," said the little one, "but it's not that end I'm afraid of." "Yes, ma'am," the convict was saying, "I'm here just for trying to flatter a rich man." "The idea!" exclaimed the prison visitor. "Yes, ma'am. I just tried to imitate iis signature on a cheque."

"They say that goats haven't much brains," remarked .Tack meditatively; "yet I don't know. I noticed one devouring a newspaper this morning, and he seemed to he taking in every word." Old Gentleman: Will you run in, my dear, and tell your mamma I'd like to speak with her if she's not engaged. Child: Oh, she's not engaged. She's married, an' I'm her little girl. Mistress (to her domestic): I suppose you girls talk about each other just as we ladies do about each person in out set? Domestic: Xo, mum; we mostly talk about the mistresses. Hubliy: "t can't get the castors under the bookcase to work at all, and I've oiled them twice." Wifey: "But did vou me castor oil, dear?"

Mr. Staylatc: firacious! it's nearly midnight! I should be. going pretty soon, I suppose. Miss Patience Gonne: Well, yes. You know the old saying, "Never put oil till to-morrow what you can do to-day." Father: Yes, I admit your lovci has a good income, lint ho has very expensive tastes, very. Daughter: You amaze, me; what does he ever want that is so ex]>cnsivc? Father: Well, you for one thing. Smilely: I hear you've bought a new patent lmrglar alarm", Tangle. You might let me have a look at it. Tangle: I wish T could, Smilely. Rut—er—well, the fact is, a thief got into the house last night and stole, it. "Can't you settle this hill to-day?" asked the tailor of the delinquent M.P. "Xo, Snip; it wouldn't lie Parliamentary. T've merely glanced over it, you know, and I can't pass a bill until after, its third rending. Mrs. Nextdore: T bought a new piece of music for my daughter to play, and T think she'll master it soon. She was trying all the afternoon. Miss Peppery: [ndoed she was, very. Mrs. Have: She is simply mad on the subject of germs, and sterilises or filters everything in the house. "TTow does she get along with her familv?" "Oh. even her relations are strained." Benevolent lady: But, niv poor man. , if you have been looking for work all these years, why is it that you have [never found it? Tramp (confidentially): Tt.'s lack, mum; just sheer good luelc.

Visitor: What do vnu do when Johnnie is naughty? Mamma: Tut him to bed without anv supper. Visitor: Well, what then? Papa: He cries, and she carries it up to him on a tray. That Was Why—"Dr. Hesnm is once mare iiniowa us for n -"*brief season," i ilmttiii i iitam Y "*"' '—" IllßTTiactlv as he thinks rhrht. without, regard Ni the opinion" m belief of others. His wife is not with him."