WIT AND HUMOR.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume L, Issue 61, 26 October 1907, Page 4

WIT AND HUMOR.

Ethel: Uncle, they say that there are more marriages of blondes than of brunettes. .Why is it, I wonder? Uncle Singleton: li'm! Naturally the lightheaded ones go first. Canvasser: Is your father at home? Child: No; daddy and mummy are both out; but auntie's in. Canvasser: Has your auntie got a vote? Child; No, she's got bronchitis. Sporting Gentleman (to lady): Are you a judge of horseflesh, Mrs Flutterby? Mrs Flutterby: I can't say that I am. I haven't tasted any since we were in Paris, over twenty years ago.

"I believe Jones is one of the worst bores that ever lived." "Why so?' "He broke right in and began talking about himself while I was telling about a thrilling experience I once had." Policeman: What are you doing out at this hour of the morning? Do you know it is two o'clock! Mr Lateous: Go ahead, old chap. I'd much rather be arrested than go home. 1 hear your son is taking a scientific course at college, Mr Innit. What are I the special studies he has taken up?" "I dunno eggsactly, but I kinder think it's physiognomy and tautology."

Farmer: Where have you been all this time, and where's the mare I told you to get shod? Enlightened Peasant: Shod? Why, I thought you said "shot," and I've been burying her. Judkins: What sort of a fellow is Jenkins? Jepson: He's the kind of man who, if you invited him to dine with jou and he lost his umbrella at your house would make you pay for it. "Nature designed me as a poet," remarked the visitor, handing over a manuscript. "Ah! May I ask what seemed to interfere with Nature's plan?" replied the editor, returning the paper.

"One thing I like about our new man," said a member of a Arm to his partner, "is that he is reliable. You can always tell what he is going to do next." "And what is that?" "Nothing." Alice: She's angry. Kate: Why? Alice: He asked her for a lock of her hair, and then, afterwards, she asked him to send it back to her. Kate: Well? Alice: And he sent her a lock that wasn't the right color. Jokeley: My wile's sense of smell is so keen that once when 1 just happeneo to mention the word "whisky" during the day she noticed it on my breath when I got home. Pokeley: Oh, come | now! Jokeley: Fact. I—cr—mentioned it to a barmaid down the road.

"Shall I give you gas, sir?" sail the Scotch dentist to his patient from the country. '.N'a, na," was the answer; "I'm for naue o' thac new)angled inventions. Just gie me paraffin oil.

Visitor: How Lcau'ifully still the thildisn sit while you talk to them! Seho< disaster: Yes, I've got them pretty well trained. I toid them at the start that every time I caught a boy moving in his scat while I was talking to them 1 would talk ten minutes longer. Little Ella: I'm never going to Hoi-

land when I grow up. Governess: Why not? Ella: 'Cause our geography says n't a low, lying country. Mrs Newwed: Bridget, I saw you kiss that man. Bridget: Sure, mum, an' vez '.fcuMn't have me u-sist ar. officer of the iuw, would yez, mum? Dr. Shaipe: I say, Mr Doolcy, you're a 'ong time paying me your account. Mr IV.oley: An' it's a long time yc took to en - '.' mo—be jabers. Paron: I have missed you from your ;ew o! lute. M" Stubbins . Fanner (apob«eti"ally): Well, sir, I hev' been to jift-l'n lately, but—y' see, sir. lb* Revfea.i Mr Seoivk-s o' the elm pel, he bought some pigs o' me, an' I thought I ought to gi' 'm a tarn! "My rubber," said Xat Goodwin, the American actor, describing a Turkish lath that hj; once had in Mexico, "was a very strong man. He laid me on a slab and kneaded me and punched me and banged me in a most emphatic way. When it was over and I had gotten up, he came up behind me before my sheet was adjusted, and gave me three sounding slaps on the bare back with the palm of his enormous hand. "What in the

blazes are you doing?' I gasped, staggering. 'No offence, sir,' said the man. 'lt was only to let the office know that I was ready for the next bather. You, see, sir, the bell's out of order in this • room.'" A colored preacher who hid only a small share of this world's goods, and whose salary was not forthcoming on several occasions, became exasperated. At his morning service he spoke to his church members in this way: "Brcdren and sisters, things is not as they srould be. You must no 'spect I can preach on uth to yau an' boa'd in Ileben." The closing speeches were oyer at the Court of Assizes. Following his custom, the judge asked the defendant, a burly low-browed scoundrel who had murdered an old couple to rob them: "Defendant, have you anything to say'/" In a cherful, effeminate tone the other replied: "Just one word. lam opposed to capital punishment!" In Alabama they tell this story to illustrate Senator Morgan's ability as an advocate. A negro of well-known thieving proclivities was on trial for

stealing a mule. .Morgan defended ami cleared him. As lawyer and client were walking out of the courtroom Mr .Morgan said: "Rastus, did you steal the mule?" "Well, Jfarse Morgan, it was jest like this: I really thought I did steal dat mule, but after what you said to the jury I was convinced I didn't." An Irishman who wasn't much of a hunter went out to hunt one day, and the first thing he saw to shoot at "was a blue-jay sitting saucily on the top of the fence. He blazed away at the bird and then walked over to nick it up. \\ hat he happened to find there was :i dead frog, which he raised carefully at arm's length, looking at it with a puzzled air. Finally he remarked: "We'l, liegobs, but ye was a foiiie-looking btird Tjefur Oi blew ther fithers off o' yeself!" A lawyer died iu a provincial town, and his fellow-lawyers wrote over his grave, "Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'' .\ot long after the governor of the province visited the town, and among oilier places inspected the cemetery. When he came to the lawyer's grave lie stopped, read the inscription mice or twice, and turning to the head inspector, -aid: "Look here, my friend. AVe w:nK at a good many tilings in this province, but I do object to your burying two men in one grave." Podgers was an old. man who was just getting over an attack of rheumatic fever, during which his wife li.nl been in the habit of sitting by his bedside to comfort him, and often shed tears at his ovkle.it suffering. When he was convalescent he met one of his friends, who asked: "flow are you getting on, Podgers?'' "Oh, badly. Don't seem to make much progress. And it is all because of my wife." "Dear me! You

surprise me. Podgers. She seems such a devoted nur-o." "All! you don't know her. man! The doctor alwayssaid a damp room was the very worst thing for me, and that woman used to sit and cry and just make the air damp!"