WIT AND HUMOUR.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume L, Issue 61, 19 October 1907, Page 3

WIT AND HUMOUR.

The Squire: Hike, some of your idoas oil polities are absolutely indefcnbible. Mike: Oi don't think so, sor. Oi've licked half a dozen fellows iii my time for disagreeln* wid my ideas. "My dog took first prize at a cat show." "llow was that?" "lie took the 'cat."

Miss Pert: What is your favorite tree, Mr Dashaway? Mr Daskaway: Yew.

Knicker: What is a scientist? Docker: A man who wants to find out how many germs there are in the spilt milk. Tommy: Pop, what is ambition? Tommy's Pop: Ambition, my son. is generally a desire to do something we can't. Kriend: Was it a serious a.cident? Motorist: Oh, no! There were three people killed, but the motor was not even scratched.

"How is your new servant, Mrs Upmore? I heard she was ill." "She's improving. She was able to sit up this morning and give notice." His Wife: Have you had a bail clay, dear! The Financier: Y'es, 1 lost over £50,000. And the worst of it it that nearly £2O of that was my own money! Stranger (to man in front): Won't you please ask your wife to take l»r hat off* I can't see the stage at all. Man in front: Ask lipr yourself—l daren't.

Anxious Mother: Oh. profe-soy. 'ion't ! you think my dear little Regiiuid will j ever learn to draw? Professor Crayon: Xo, madam; not unlcs* you hitch him to a waggon. '•I used to know Mr Sneeker. who was with your firm. 1 understand ho is a tried and trusted employee." "He was trusted, and hell be tried, too, if we're so fortunate as to catch him." One of the Girls: Why, there's Mr Scorcher! It seems strange that he (Should be studying medicine. The! Man: Not at all. Doctors are allowed to exceed the speed limit. Seven-year-old Marjorie is very fond of Indian stories at bed-time. The story of Hiawatha and Minnehaha is especially attractive. "I can't remember the name of Minnehaha's father," said her aunt, the other, evening. ''Why,*' said Marjorie, "it was Mr Ha-lla, of course."

"You are common clay, after all!'' lie exclaimed, vexed with himself, with the world, and above all, with her. The beautiful wretch laughed lightly. "1 only wish I were," she said. "Then I could have my colors burnt in, instead of having a higli-salaried French maid to put them on fresh every morning!" Oh, woman! at onec the softeset of creatures, and the hardest. Boy: What wages will I get, doctor, if I come to work for you? Doctor: Wages! You'll get my services free. What more would you have? Boy:

But, doctor, lam never ill. Doctor: Oh, but you will be: I'll see to that. A Dream.—The Wealthy Widow: The man I marry must be one I can rely on to take charge of my estates and protect my interests. He: How fortunate we met!

The Fiancee: Xo, I didn't accept Jack the first 'time lie Mibs Wryvell: How could you? You weren't there. She: Did she make a good wife? ITe: Can't say as to that, but she made the man a mighty good husband. She: So sorry I'm late I hope you haven't been bored. He: Oh, no. thanks. I've been nursing the cat till von eould come. Child: Mamma, what is classical music? Mamma: It's the kind you have to like whether you like it or not. Prisoner: I'll reform, sir, if you'll give me time. Jlrfgistrate: All right. Thirty days. '"Xice-looking dog. What did you pay for him?" "I got him on tick.'' •'Ah, a wateh-dog, eh?" '•Hi. waiter, this meat is like lether." "Saddle of mutton you ordered, sir!" Edwin: I—er—er can't remember what I was «oing to say. Angelina: Well—er —I was going to say ''Yes." The Major: I shall never forget tiltfirst time I drew a sword. Smith: Where was that? The Major: At a raffle.

Hiss Elderleigh: The mountain air is certainly exhiliarating. I feel like a two-year-old this morning. Miss Younger: And you look it, dear; twenty times over.

Dyspeptic Gent: H'm! I'm afrain we shall have to put a curb upon our appetites. The Colonel (jovially): Well, I intend putting a bit in my mouth. Nervous Simth (to charming girl who has been trying to put him at his ea-e): "He he! I always—ha—feel rather shy with pretty girls, yToiow, but I'm quit** at home with you.

Friend: Haven't you named tiie baby yet? Proud Mother: No, we must be very careful to give him a nice one. because there iwll l>e so many named after him when he is Premier. ••What kind of a girl is she?" "The kind that likes violets " "Every girl does that.' "Hold oil. The kind that likes violets when they're half a guinea a bunch, and doesn't care for 'em in season."

Sarcastic—"l declare," exclaimed the talkative youth in a smoking room one day, "I believe I have forgotten all 1 ever knew!" "Sorry to hear it," growled a ferocious old military officer." "However, you can put in an hour some day learning it all over again."

anxious Old Lady (in steamer): I say, my good man, : .s this boat going up' or down? Sur'.y deckhand: Well, she's a leak} oh' "tub, mum, so I wouldn't wonii-r if she was to go down; then, again, h-r b'lcrs ain't none too good, so she might 'go up! IBsundersta-.i —Miss Hogaboom, of Chicago: And what profession is your brother in, Lord Shorteash? Lord cash: hj, when Algernon leaves Oxford I fancy he will take orders. Miss Hogaboom (surprised): Yes? Well, there are some real nice gentlemen work as travellers.

A minister and a rather bumptious traveller occupied the same stateroom on a vovage across the Atlantic. At breakfast "on the first morning the traveller said: "I hope, sir, my snoring did not disturb you during the night?" "Oh, no; not a bit, sir," replied the minister, "not a bit. "You see, I live on a coast near a lighthouse; and I'm used to the sound of the foghorn on thick nights. Young Wife (proudly): "Oh. John, what do you think? I got a diploma for singing to-day! And in honor of this great event, I have cooked a new dish "for dinner. (luess what it is.'' Husband (examining an uncanny looking mess on the table): "I can't imagine what it i-s my dear. It isn t th; diploma, is it?" Wife (to her hu-bniidl My dear, I have just been buying a new bat, but I didn't forget vou. Husband (uneasily): Oh, I hope— Wife: I got yT>u this lovely tie-pin, a cigarette case, a walking stick, and a new tie Husband: Ye "ods! (Rushes out of the room). Wife: Well, I never! And I bought him all these things so that my throeguinea hat shouldn't seem so dear! But men never do understand our delicate

attentions. So:' remarked the youn? ni.ni, with ,i touch of sadness in his voice; "it may !ie that wine day I shall lie happy, hut at present it i- beyond me. '1 is a I love dearly She would have me if I asked lier, but I dare not. I cannot marry and live on a a year." His two friends looked at him in wonder. For a moment tliev were speechless, consternation and pity depicted on their youthful faces. But speech returned to them both at the same time. "You can't marry on a thousand a year! Why no!'.' "Why not?" echoed the youth, with his sad voice growing sadder. "\Vhv, simply Ijeeau-i' I haven't the thousand!" A po-t office employee was discovered at his lodgings by a friend, looking very rueful indeed. "I'm in a frightful hole," he said. "I went to see two doetors yesterday, and got medical certilieates from each. One was a certificate stating that I enjoyed the lic-t of health; other was a certificate of illness to send to the overseer with my petition for a week's leave of absence/' "I've often done that mvself." said a friend; "what s the matter?" "Matter! I mivetl the certificates in posting them. The insurance company lias mv certificate of bad health, and the overseer has the certificate of good health. Physician: "What you really want is change «>f climate/' Patient: ••Chan?'' of climate! Why, I*vi» iv-ver bail anything else! I've lived in London all mv life.*' Voii.l iiiMthor: '"How do you like vouv new govern*'". dohnny':'* Johnny: "Oh. 1 like lier ever so mueli." • I'm -o glad my little lwy ha- a nice t.-acher at l.i-t "Oh. -he's awful nirc. She says she don't eare whether 1 1 aril anything or not. sn long as you pay her -alary." Mi- Angle-: -While I was -hop,,in:; to-day I happened to -top in front of one of those convex minors. It was laughable: it made my figure look eo ridiculous." Miss Spetz: "Are you sure it wasn't ijutf u prdinary mirror, dew!"